Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

I agree

So you’ve had conversations about emigrating, therefore leaving the country all together and your do has suggested moving to be near her family.

this to me seems strange, what was your dos stance on emigrating? As they seem polar opposite.

is there a future for you if you want such different life styles?

Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this

This is the bit, and especially the second sentence, which stood out to me

Clearly she wanted to be with you enough to "forget" what you'd said for a while, but it's not as if you've been in any way deceitful so, while she's entitled to her feelings, you're not BU at all

Is there any possibility of moving to a city within easier reach of where she wants to be as a compromise?

On a practical level what would happen if you looked at what sort of properties you could afford in a city near her parents? If it's not affordable then that's at least one option to cross off the list.

I dont think you're being unreasonable.
When DH and I settled down I moved to where he was. I knew full well what I was getting into and that it would mean living further away from my family who are in a rural seaside town. It would be very unfair for me to now say 'right DH we've lived here now pack your bags we're off to live where I'm from'. I do also have a condition that means driving won't ever be an option for me so I have a lot more independence here with far better public transport.
She is obviously unhappy and I think you do need a conversation about what you can do to compromise. Maybe it doesn't need to be a move. It could be spending more time at Christmas, Easter and Summer with her family. It could be making her feel heard and that you understand the sacrifice she's made. But ultimately I get you not wanting to move. Rural and city living are two very different things with their own benefits and drawbacks.

My Dad did this ( moved to My Mums home town). It was a massive sacrifice for him and I think it's contributed to his depression which has been lifelong. TBF I am talking about rural northern Ireland so in your case it might be different but YOU have to want to go, not just for your partner.

This! Can you imagine on the step-parenting forum if someone said that their DH had moved to the other side of the country from his kids with his "new" wife?! There would be uproar!!!

@20thCenturyBoy it may not be your 'honesty" she is resentful about, but rather your dismissiveness and lack of interest in understanding what is lacking in her life up north, why she feels she would be happier in her hometown. There is a difference between brutal honesty vs showing interest, validating her position but saying kindly that you don't think that would work.

I moved for DH but it was on the understanding that at some point I would like to go back, all together. If he hadn't agreed, I wouldn't have moved all those years ago.

Logistically, it's still a while away before we could do it, but he's still open to it and we still talk.

@20thCenturyBoy did you not have these conversations before your wife moved her entire life for you? Why? And what are the reasons beyond "me like city" you wouldn't be willing to do for her what she did for you?

My stance isn’t that his wife’s stance trumps his, although it’s clear his happiness trumps hers for you. It’s that it’s a discussion to be had with his wife, rather than an outright no, never happening. That is what is hurtful to his wife. He won’t even entertain it because it’s rural (even though there are cities) and because he doesn’t like his mother in law. She can’t add to this discussion because he’s made his mind up that this isn’t happening and he won’t like it. He’s not willing to try it. He’s not willing to expand his thought process and even consider it. He can say they can do these international moves but she can’t add a place that means something to her.

With discussion, she might not want to move back home. They might not be able to
afford to live in the nice areas, the schools might be terrible, there might be no jobs. But at least it’s a discussion that happened together, not him unilaterally deciding.

With an international move, you do have to uproot. Dive in and try it. In the same country it doesn’t need to be so dramatic does it? They can do long weekends and holidays in the West Country. You can still rent out your property in the north and move to the West Country, there isn’t some legal requirement to sell if you move to Cornwall but you can rent if you move to Melbourne. And if they do move, he doesn’t settle in then his wife says “I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, shall we travel back there more?” She can emphasise with him what it’s like to give up everything because she’s done it. Maybe she can’t be happy where she is and he can’t be happy in the West Country, so yes one is going to have to suck it up or they’ll have to separate but that’s a long way down the line. The first thing is to be open to discussion.

It seems like both of them fantasise about moving abroad, which is different to emotionally blackmailing your partner to leave his older children and disrupt the lives of his younger children (and their bond with half siblings) and move to the other side of the country. The US/Australia is a dream to them. The wife chose to move and chose to have children with a man with older children. She wasn’t forced.

I’m sorry , but when 2 people really love one another , share children together..
Can location be a deal breaker ??
I think that’s mental !!!!!
Before people start posting, “oh but it’s more than that , it’s about compromise , & if so & so loved the other person, they would move “ ..
Ye are husband & wife , ye have yr children, who I am sure would be perfectly miserable if their parents decided to separate due to Geography !!!!
So come on , sit down & sort it out ..
Best of luck with it all ..

Agree. OP has shot himself int he foot agreeing a move to another country. It's an aggravating factor.

Does she know that a large part of the reason for staying put is your dislike of her mother OP?

To be clear, in your shoes, not a chance I would move. Anyone used to city living would not transplant well to the WC. You have to be 101% committed to make that work and even then, it would get frayed around the edges real quick.

I haven't read the other posts but I am in a similar situation and here's how I feel. I moved to DH's town 12 yrs ago because he owned his house and I rented. And because we were in love. At that age, I was glad to be out of my small west country town. Move to now, we have 2 primary age DC, and they love visiting my hometown. They love the hills, the countryside, the nature. I love teaching them about my local history, the landmarks, the customs. The things that make me, me. My husband has none of that past and doesn't care for it.

DC are in school and DH's business is here too, so I'm stuck here. I pine for the west country so badly - and I'm only an hour away! DH refuses to move there, and we can't at the moment. I will move back there, when the kids are old enough. And if DH comes, then great. And if he doesn't come, then great. I'm fed of of a big town, with rude people who are all strangers to one another. I'm fed up of pavements and roads and concrete.

Yabu to not meet in the middle. Marriage is about comprise.

I was veering to the side of your wife until I came upon the bit about not wanting your MIL to be so close by and in your life. Now I'm 100% with you, Chief. I wouldn't want a meddlesome, quarrelsome old bat close by either.

She is quite unreasonable to say “I moved for you so you should move for me.”
Unless that was discussed up front, there was no discussion or agreement about moving to the South West at all, and you say you’ve been clear that you won’t live in the country.

Neither of you is unreasonable to have a strong preference. I would side with you because living near a nightmare MIL in an area you dislike, far away from your older 3 sounds a recipe for disaster. Or indeed, divorce.

A short stint abroad is an entirely different situation to a permanent move to a different part of the country. I assume this is in 4 years when your older one is at university? Otherwise that’s unfair on him/her and your ex.

My lovely husband moved to my town when we started dating as his children were post education and mine were at primary. When the eldest is 18 and at university if he asked me to move somewhere for him I would.

It is called give and take - where is your give. She didn’t just have 2 children with you she has raised 5!!

Where is your compromise? Where are her friends and support network? That’s right - for me this would be a deal breaker

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north

I'm not surprised your wife resents you, not only have you refused to even consider a compromise, but that little comment above shows you don't appreciate the sacrifice she made for your relationship.

YABU

You are perfectly happy moving to another country both being minimum 7+ hour flights one way, but not somewhere that is in the same country while saying “ but the kids”.

Not surprised she’s upset.

Curious about her mum, but neither here or there considering the above.

Your relationship is over anyway. You're not moving to the WC. She will increasingly feel like a prisoner.

I think it's weird to put a location above your partner in importance. People are more important than places.

I would build a trail that I look after the kids half the time, make sure the school knows my face and so on.

I would at any hint that she wants to move them out immediately get legal advice and make sure she doesn't create facts that then become the kids' new normal.

Hard on the woman? Sure, but she is the one who agreed to have kids there and she shouldn't be able to unilaterally change that, not even through divorce.

They are. But often places come with other people, such as parents, siblings, old friends. It's not always choosing your partner over a place. Sometimes it comes down to your partner or your family & support network & history.

That's a very different decision.

What were the reasons you couldn't move to be with her at the beginning of your relationship?

She is quite unreasonable to say “I moved for you so you should move for me.”
Unless that was discussed up front, there was no discussion or agreement about moving to the South West at all

I agree, but then it's the sort of emotional blackmail which often gets brought out in situations like this, and in itself that doesn't bode well for how things might go even if OP was prepared to move to a rural area

As said I'd personally favour a compromise involving a city within easier reach, but we've no way of knowing whether that would suit DW either if she's built up a fantasy of leafy lanes and mum on tap