Said no to moving to wife's hometown - wife not happy

[20thCenturyBoy]

I live in a northern city with my wife, our 2 kids, and my older 3 kids 50% of the time. I was born & raised here. Family live here. My wife moved up from London to be with me 9 years ago. Her family live in the west country.

I like living in my home city but accept that my wife made the move up north because I couldn't make the move to London. The youngest of my elder kids is 14 so technically he might be away to Uni in 4 years time.

We've spoken about moving away for a bit to places like Australia or America as her profession would enable this. More recently she has raised the potential of moving back to her hometown in the west country to be closer to her family. Whilst it's a lovely west country market town I absolutely do not want to live in a rural market town. In any country. I like living in cities. Not interested in living in the countryside at all. I have always been open about this.

My clear stance on this has really upset my wife. She has said since she moved to my hometown I should do the same for her. I did point out that it was her choice to move north. But this obviously didn't help. Another minor factor is that my MIL is not someone I want in my life on a weekly basis.

My honesty about not wanting to move to her hometown has created an undercurrent of resentment from her. I can sense it almost every day. She seems to be positioning this as a deal breaker and now she questioning whether we have a future together in the LT!

Am I being completely unreasonable? Any advice appreciated.

Who said it would only be a couple of years? And it is also completely different to move to the other side of the world than moving 300 miles away. Different to the tune of £1.5k and 20 hours of travel.

It sounds like you haven’t properly discussed or thought things through before getting married and having a new family. Your first priority should have been staying local for your existing 3 DC. I assume that’s why your DW moved to the North to be with you. Did she ever consider or express a preference to be near her family if she had children?

But if you need to be near for your eldest DC why have you been seriously discussing moving to another continent? How would you see or be there for your DC then?

If you’ve considered moving to the USA or Australia then it’s no wonder your DW has thought you might at least consider the West of England! You’ve given her mixed messages.

It must be hard for her to live so far from her family now she has kids. Could you not compromise and move halfway in between, e.g. the Midlands? Or could you consider moving to a SW city in a few years once your older DC are all adults?

*Said no to moving to wife's hometown *

This is the bit in the title that gets to me. Not "My wife and I cannot agree about where to live" - but "Said no."

Well, bully for you mate. I hope she responds accordingly and gets out.

Who are you to say No? - this is a partnership that should contain discussion and compromise.

Said No indeed! Who do you think you are?

No it isn’t. I am a city girl. I like visiting the countryside but I absolutely would hate to live anywhere where I have to drive everywhere and I didn’t have a high street within a 10 minute walk. I can’t change who I am, I might love my husband very much, but I would be miserable living in the countryside.

Sounds like she’s made a big sacrifice to be with you and for your kids. I think you should at least try it but agree, what about a city there rather than a market town (not sure exactly where she’s from but there are nice cities that way, like Bristol, Exeter etc).

Your objections all seem to be about you, what about what’s best for the whole family?

I don't know, I've got several family members who I'll happily visit but know I'd never be happy living where they live. Sometimes it really is a no.

The op- they said ‘we have spoken about moving away for a bit…’ implying a short term move.

No he doesn't.

How can he ‘try it’? Once they are moved and their life has been uprooted, let’s face it they aren’t coming back. It is a massive upheaval to move your entire life to a new place. You don’t just ‘try it’ like you would when you are 18 and can just move about as you please as you have no real assets and responsibilities anywhere.

She married someone with children so knew you could not re-locate from there. Young people at Uni still need a place to call home in the long Uni holidays.

Also what about work? She had moved from the W Country to London so what are hers and your work prospects in a rural area?

And for the kids, in due course?

Who are you to say No?

Someone with a choice in the matter perhaps, @Mischance?
We're all individuals with the ability to decide our own red lines in a relationship, and for me the key point is that OP's always been completely upfront about this

I do agree about the importance of discussion, but as said compromise could equally involve a nearby city rather than either insisting on the whole hog and making the other miserable - and while it's perhaps beside the point I just knew this would involve either the west country or Wales

I understand what you are saying that WC is not for you. But being ‘clear in your stance’ gives your wife little option but to stay with you in your hometown or leave you. You need to be offering some sense of compromise. I get what you mean that she chose to move up to be with you but what she was really choosing is the relationship. She had to start afresh which must have been tough and clearly hasn’t found it all that she hoped it would be. You mention discussing moving overseas as her job would allow it. I think she is unhappy with her life and you need to work together so she feels her needs are being acknowledged. This doesn’t necessarily mean moving but some kind of discussion about what could make life better as a team. Good luck.

That was my first thought but the OP is happy to move to Australia which would be a huge distance in comparison.

Like so many pp I think the key to this is communication and compromise. Talk enough to understand her feelings. If your older children live close to you when with their mother then they have that base to come home to when adults.
You and most pp talk as if there is only city living and very rural living. There is a huge amount in between, small towns, large towns, small cities which are smaller than some large towns, village feel suburbs of cities. You might be on different pages about what feels right to you, that doesn’t make either right or wrong but you need to factor in the impact on mental health of living in a way that does not feel right for you.

She's not that bothered about being close to family, if she's tabled Australia as an option.

And you are being ridiculous for even entertaining Australia or America when you have 3 children you'd be leaving behind. Unless you don't want any kind of meaningful relationship with them, which would make you a very strange Dad. I speak from experience - my adult DD is in Australia and I can tell you, our relationship is nothing like it used to be when she lived here. Virtually non existent (not my doing).

Your children don't cease to exist after they go to Uni. They come home for holidays, Christmas etc, and after 3 years they come home for good (mostly).

Your wife knew you had kids in the North. She must have known you could never leave??????

You and me both, WhatNoRaisins - and mine are also in the west country

They're the loveliest people living in an extremely pretty area which I adore visiting, but they're so parochial that they regard the next county over as "going abroad for a holiday" (I won't say what they thought of mmy plans to revisit China!!)

100%!

But you think he could just try Australia? Uproot there with all the massive upheaval and just come back after a couple of years. Why can someone not just "try it" when it comes to the West Country but can when it comes to Australia? Your posts on this thread don't really make sense.

Just because your kids go to uni doesn’t mean they are likely to move completely out of area. It’s a bit selfish of her to expect you to uproot everybody. She shouldn’t have married someone with a child if she expected to be followed home.

But that was her choice. If OP has always been clear he doesn't want to move I don't think he is being unreasonable now.

Because a move to Aus for a few years would likely mean they keep their life in the Uk as well. I lived abroad for a year but I didn’t sell my house, nor did I move all my stuff over with me. I simply rented when I was there. When I returned I just came home and resumed my life as if I hadn’t been away. Only if I was permanently moving abroad would I have completely moved my entire life.

if they move the the WC they would likely have to sell their house and buy somewhere new. They would be moving all their belonging and register themselves in the new area. It is a massive upheaval and not something easy to do.

I think it's a bit of a cop out to say that was her choice. People evolve and change on both sides don't they? You can't just start from a status quo and a decade later be like "but everything has always been in my favour, that's just the way its always been".

Lots of jobs abroad are for fixed periods - we did it for 1 year, friends have done it for up to 3 years.
Just rent out the U.K. house, use holiday leave to explore that new part of world, come back to home and friends and schools.

Easy to do and only a short term thing which can be B a great experience for children.

Why can someone not just "try it" when it comes to the West Country but can when it comes to Australia?

Realistically Australia would be a "new" opportunity for both, whereas the west country represents what the DW has apparently always wanted to return to, so for those insisting OP's being over dogmatic just how high would you think the chances are of DW seeing her preferred location as "a try out" or leaving again once back there?

This happened with me and ExH. We met at university although home towns were 5 hours apart.
He flatly refused to move to my hometown so I had no option to but to go to his. On hindsight a huge mistake for many reasons and it’s only now 25 years later I am planning on going back.

in fairness he was always clear about the situation but in marriage nothing is ever black and white. Circumstances change and there has to be compromise