To not tell my kids the truth about why we had a second Easter?

[BookArt55]

My kids are young, 2 & 6. We celebrated Easter a week ago, because the very new court order states dad would have them until 6pm on Easter Sunday, first weekend contact since new court order has been put in place. They always come back extremely tired, disregulated and pretty often it feels like the eldest comes back angry with me. So I decided to celebrate a week early so we could enjoy our 'Easter with mummy'. We had a great time, and they understood they would have two Easters as next weekend was a weekend at their home with daddy.

Before handover this weekend, which would be the longest they have been away from me, i explain how many sleeps and that handover is around dinner time so they understand when they are coming back to their home with mummy. They like to know, it helps to settle them. Kids go off for their weekend with dad. I ask for dad to confirm whether he would be giving them dinner every Sunday before handover, his response is he is not giving them dinner as handover is at 9am (old court order timing). I just say okay as I am so used to him changing his mind last minute and trying to mess with me that I didn't hold my breath, especially as he knows Easter means a lot to me. But slightly surprised that at 9am the kids come back to me and we have a lovely second Easter.

Kids have now asked why I lied to them about coming home around dinner time, when it was after breakfast and why they had two Easters with me and no celebration with dad. No easter egg, repeat of christmas and one birthday with minimal effort being made. It took me by surprise, mainly because I was expecting it at bedtime last night, not tonight.

I said that mummy got the best Easter present, a second Easter with my two favourite people in the whole wide world. They didn't question any further.

But what would you say? I don't want them to know about any conflict with dad, but it was noted in court that Dad tells the kids adult issues and coparenting relationship is awful. But often my responses mean my eldest blames me for everything and not daddy. I'm worried this Easter I am getting the blame again, I suppose I am worried that my answers are putting me as the one who decided, that I am the reason they didn't get more daddy time...

Any suggestions on how to word dad choosing less time with the kids as not my fault, obviously not the kid's fault, but also not making the kids aware of the conflict?

Probably massively overthinking this. Second time in just over a week he has chosen to have less time, and always leaves it to the last minute when I've already prepped the kids with the plan to make them feel more comfortable. I try to leave it as late as possible before sharing the plan.

The kid's are just so used to getting conflicting messages and being told that mummy is the unkind, rude, mean one that I am trying to be careful with my choice of language so that I don't add to the way dad paints me to the kids.

I would be getting early years involved so your ex can be challenged about what he is saying to the children.

You need some professional help

'Early years' what does that mean? Cafcass and the judge noted dad's behaviours in court and his strong opinions on me and how he shares that with the children. Judge ended up giving him slightly less time that cafcass recommended. I looked into play therapy but money is... non existent at the moment while I finish paying solicitor bills.

I would start saying" you are going to dad's for ?? Nights and coming back on the Sunday" or whatever day and not mention a time and at pick up when he says he's dropping off at whatever time you can say " there you go Ds dad says you'll be home at ?? time" and then it's dad who changes plans not you. They like to keep power where they can so don't play

@Chattycatty thank you for this. We do not communicate directly in anyway, all over a parenting app. But I completely get your point, start being more vague helps me for sure. Thank you for this because it is all about control.

I would just say that plans changed and you weren’t expecting them back so early.

If he is going by times on an old court order, rather than the new one, have you spoke to him about this?

I've no experience so might be wrong. But I would tell them the factual truth, in a non emotional, non blaming way. "Your dad changed the time, I don't know why."

I don't think lying to kids to protect the other parent is helpful in the long term, if the parent is being manipulative.

Amazing that your kids, which includes a 2 year old, would ask that.

This⬆️, just be factual and no emotion or blame. Mine are older now and know they'll hear the truth from me without unecessary digs.

Your 2 year old asked why you lied to them?

If it it were me I’d stop telling them about Easter, Christmas, birthday, etc with daddy.

You’re promising them stuff on his behalf, promising them things that you have absolutely no control over. Stop it.

You were the one that told them they’d be having two Easter’s, after he’s already let them down at Christmas and a birthday. This shouldn’t have been a surprise that he’s done it again.

I know he definitely received the draft and now sealed court order as he has kind of followed the new midweek contact (changed pick up and drop off times to fit around his work and not what is in the court order), and has followed the change of time to the start of the weekend contact. This is most likely an example of how the judge's choice of time doesn't suit his wants so dad will change it.

I think you need to say that their Dad rang you to say that he was bringing them home in the morning instead of the afternoon, and you were really pleased to get more time with them etc. Don't say you got the date or time wrong, just that their Dad had to change it, and you don't know why.

I think the idea by the PP who suggested that you ask their Dad in front of them when they'll be back is a really good one.

You can't cover for him, you will be playing into his twisted game that you're the horrible parent and he's the victim.

You have all my sympathy that you have to deal with such an awful bitter man. Congrats on getting the court case finished.

Fair! I agree with you, i set myself up there to fail by having expectations of him. I need to change that.

My 6 year old asked why I didn't 'tell the truth' and my 2 year old, she's almost 3, asked why they didn't spend the day with daddy. The 6 year old then said I had lied to them that I was having one Easter with them, and we had two. They wanted to know why I hadn't explained we were having two Easters, and why they didn't have Easter with daddy.

Eldest has a sports club early Sunday afternoon and I had explained daddy would be taking him for the first time ever. But then this didn't happen because of the time change. So this was the main point of discussion/timings of the day.

Unfortunately I suspect they brought this up with daddy and he will have said that it was my fault.

This is why I was asking for help, I can already see how I can change the way I approach this better moving forward. Thank you!

Yes unfortunately they are used to getting conflicting messages, or come back parroting something I don't suspect are their words/thoguhts completely.

Don't lie to them to cover dads failings and also don't react to his messages coming back through them. It's exactly what he wants. Just tell them what you know is happening as in "you're going to dad's" with no added detail he wants to make it tricky for you so don't help him. One day you won't have to deal with him

Let him tell them what he’s got planned for the weekend.

Did you not clarify with him why he wasn’t having them until 6pm? Are you sure he didn’t get the timings muddled?

It's unfortunately common for small children to parrot back things they have heard my son had a mentor and counselling at primary school because of it

Always the same not dad loves spending time with you but moms at work she loves money more than you your mom dumped you here with no food so it's cold cereal in the back of the car I pay your mom plenty of money she could stay at home with YOU if she wanted (he paid nothing) then there was the name calling

Endless and damaging

Some of this unfortunately sounds very similar. 'Mummy why do you spend all of my money and all of daddy's money?' Is a recent one. Feel for you that you've been through it too.

I have no experience but I'd just say " I thought Dad was going to bring you back after dinner, but he has brought you back this morning instead. What would you like for dinner?" and move on.
They aren't old enough to understand all of the adult drama around things, when they get older they will see him for who he is but if he did little for Easter and you said he'd already done little for Christmas and birthday, don't set up their expectations for when they are with him because you can't control what he does or doesn't do. I think talking kids through things is good and helpfulif you actually know what is going to happen. You know he likes to change last minute, so if you are actually unsure what will happen, stop telling them like it's definite. "You will be with Dad this weekend. He might take you to football on Sunday, but if he brings you back in the morning I will take you instead".

@BookArt55 absolutely agree with @Chattycatty

"you're going to dad's" today/Sunday/Wednesday etc, without timings or expectations of what he may/or may not do with them.

They're only little, you have to be the smarter parent, do not put them in the middle of the animosity you have with each other.

He sounds like an rsole, tbh.

You are both bringing the kids into adult conversations. They must know something is off to say that you are lying to them

The whole how many sleeps until they come back doesn’t sound right to. That’s what you say to a child when they are counting down to something special like Christmas or a holiday. Saying that about coming back to your house diminishes their time with their dad as you are focusing on when that will be over and they will be back with you. That’s not fair on them or your ex and their relationship

Yes you might be pissed off at your ex messing you around but to your kids any handover should be seamless even if it’s at the wrong time.

This goes for both of you not just you. He shouldn’t be saying anything about his relationship with you to the kids too. They will remember all this as they grow up as from experience it can and will stay with you if you are caught in the cross wires of parents that are apart and obviously don’t like each other at points

I'd keep it light and try to keep them out of adult issues, but at the same time, straighten them out if they used the words "Why did you lie?" Or anything else that gives them an unfair negative impression of you.

"No, I didn't lie. Daddy just changed his mind, that's all. Now, let's have our special Easter."

I'd take on an attitude of lightly and kindly blowing your ex off, with the kids. I think it's an effective strategy to counteract his toxicity with them, to just give them the idea that he's not to be taken all that seriously. I expect they'll pick up your attitude and that seriously takes away the power over you and them that he seems so desperate to assert. :)

Unfortunately I don't feel able to, even just asking if the kids would have dinner was a risk in opening the floodgates of the not so lovely messages that I receive. The relationship was abusive. If I am honest I'm keeping all communication as short and simple as possible, especially as one child is having a medical procedure soon and dad is currently wavering on agreeing to it, or not. So I am trying not to rock the boat, still keep those boundaries, and grey rock whenever possible. The sealed court order came through this week, the draft the week before. They say the same thing. I did raise it when he changed the times for midweek contact, and I was accused of being controlling, micromanaging him etc. So I wasn't going to ask again.

If he tries to keep changing the times at every contact and they don't remain the same for the consistency for the kids, then I will just say that the times in the court order are agreed and you need to stick to them. But at the moment the Sunday contact goes with what i wanted (he doesn't know that) and the judge extended it to the 6pm.

I understand that you are wanting to prepare your children but you can't accurately tell them when they will be coming back from dad's if he is just going to change the time to suit himself. In fact, he may deliberately change the time to 'prove' that you are wrong/erratic/lying. You try to give them stability and he's using that against you. Be as vague as you can about what they may, or may not, do while with dad. His behaviour is really unfair on them and you.