To not tell my kids the truth about why we had a second Easter?

[BookArt55]

My kids are young, 2 & 6. We celebrated Easter a week ago, because the very new court order states dad would have them until 6pm on Easter Sunday, first weekend contact since new court order has been put in place. They always come back extremely tired, disregulated and pretty often it feels like the eldest comes back angry with me. So I decided to celebrate a week early so we could enjoy our 'Easter with mummy'. We had a great time, and they understood they would have two Easters as next weekend was a weekend at their home with daddy.

Before handover this weekend, which would be the longest they have been away from me, i explain how many sleeps and that handover is around dinner time so they understand when they are coming back to their home with mummy. They like to know, it helps to settle them. Kids go off for their weekend with dad. I ask for dad to confirm whether he would be giving them dinner every Sunday before handover, his response is he is not giving them dinner as handover is at 9am (old court order timing). I just say okay as I am so used to him changing his mind last minute and trying to mess with me that I didn't hold my breath, especially as he knows Easter means a lot to me. But slightly surprised that at 9am the kids come back to me and we have a lovely second Easter.

Kids have now asked why I lied to them about coming home around dinner time, when it was after breakfast and why they had two Easters with me and no celebration with dad. No easter egg, repeat of christmas and one birthday with minimal effort being made. It took me by surprise, mainly because I was expecting it at bedtime last night, not tonight.

I said that mummy got the best Easter present, a second Easter with my two favourite people in the whole wide world. They didn't question any further.

But what would you say? I don't want them to know about any conflict with dad, but it was noted in court that Dad tells the kids adult issues and coparenting relationship is awful. But often my responses mean my eldest blames me for everything and not daddy. I'm worried this Easter I am getting the blame again, I suppose I am worried that my answers are putting me as the one who decided, that I am the reason they didn't get more daddy time...

Any suggestions on how to word dad choosing less time with the kids as not my fault, obviously not the kid's fault, but also not making the kids aware of the conflict?

Probably massively overthinking this. Second time in just over a week he has chosen to have less time, and always leaves it to the last minute when I've already prepped the kids with the plan to make them feel more comfortable. I try to leave it as late as possible before sharing the plan.

The kid's are just so used to getting conflicting messages and being told that mummy is the unkind, rude, mean one that I am trying to be careful with my choice of language so that I don't add to the way dad paints me to the kids.

If you love your children more than you hate each other, the children will take no notice.

I recall my daughter coming back from a visit saying: 'that's the last time I go shopping with him. He showed me up in the shop.'

My sisters dh does this sort of gaslighting sh*t all the time.

What's the parenting app you mention. It would certainly be better than the toxic abuse she has to put up with in texts. Although it sounds like he's still am **hole. 😢

What is it about these men?

Our Family Wizard is the one I was recommended, you have to pay for it but my understanding is if you get any benefits they can discount your price. Anything on it can be used in court, I submitted some of our messages to show how difficult everything is. It has a calendar, you can check in to your location to prove you were there if they don't show, you can do voice and video calls, upload documents, literally everything. It has been a game changer compared to the WhatsApp and email days where he would delete them after. You can't delete anything on OFW. On the messages part it even checks your language and gives you red flags if how you write things that are seen as aggressive/upsetting so you can then reword them and be mindful about your communication. I've never used any other one, there are ones that are free.

Best bit is i can turn off notifications and then just check the app when I want to. So I don't have that gut wrenching feeling whenever my phone goes off.

Perhaps tell that to OP's ex husband - he's the one instigating all of this, not OP. A little bit of solidarity wouldn't go amiss - I expect arsehole behaviour from men but I won't accept it from women.

It sounds like you are kind and honest.
Tell the children the truth. That Daddy is busy or working, just never with a negative spin. You shouldn't take the heat if it isn't your fault. There are child friendly levels of honesty you can use........as long as they see how much you love them they'll twig that he's a dick eventually as they grow up.
He sounds selfish and nasty. Make sure all your communication is emailed or texted.
I understand that you are fearful. The court shouldn't allow him to intimidate you or the children......sending hugs💖💖💖

Bless them, they are very confused and he's obviously bad mouthing you. I'd be asking the eldest, who sounds more mature than her father, what questions she has and any angry questions are fine too. Let them release their hurt and upse which can manifest as anger. Keep it open like that. You also need to be honest. Not adult honest but age appropriate honest and explain that daddy doesn't always tell mummy for sure whether he's going to give you breakfast or dinner. Sometimes daddy's plans change where he can't do this. This way you're not blaming their dad.

Children figure out who the bad one is quite quickly, they're certainly smarter and a lot more switched on. They just can't articulate it and will take it out on their safe person, in their safe place.

Daddy sounds like looking after his own is an inconvenience!

You cannot promise that children something that you cannot trust their father to provide. Did you ask him to "Do Easter", hunt eggs etc with them or did you just assume he would do this?
Only make plans for yourself and the children and don't give them false expectations, especially as he has done this before.

It depends how old they are. Mine were 9 and 11 at the time.
I know you are hoping to do smooth transitions and manage their expectations to help them regulate...that's really admirable, but what I am going to say comes from a hard learnt lesson.

All you can guarantee is what you do with them. If he is prone to changing plans, not doing what he says he will, you really really cant micromanage that. It's impossible and infuriating for you and not helpful to them.

Do not give them any timings or plans. He will do his thing with them, even if it isnt what you'd always do.
You can tell them " I don't know if you are having Easter eggs with daddy, why dont you call him up and ask him" ( nice calm reasonable voice ( even if you are furious with him for being a dick)
" check with daddy what time you are coming back and then you can tell me"
Give the children a voice and it will help. Honestly. It works. It may drive you bonkers, but you have to let go. You cant micromanage that part. Your children DO know which parent comes through for them, is reliable, and which isnt. They love you both, but they are way more savvy than you give them credit for.#you got this.

What you all are saying I couldn't agree more with; reduce the information, put emphasise on asking daddy, and give honest responses that don'tplace blame or badmouth anyone but also don't put the blame on myself and be honest at a kid level.

What @MyTwinklyPanda said about my eldest... it was interesting and highlighted something. If I have a different opinion to daddy my eldest becomes very defensive and will become angry with me and shuts down. For example, we were talking about games. Eldest was talking about Roblox and how daddy says how good it is, then asked me do I like Roblox. I answered honestly saying it wasn't my favourite, I prefer SuperMario Kart and Mindcraft... anger (despite all of these games being my eldest's favourite). Daddy can not be wrong. This is the most recent example, but it can be food, clothing, toys, animals, anything at all. Daddy's opinion is fact is probably the best way to explain it, and this is my experience when I lived with him. This worries me the most I think. We do play games like opinion/fact and any opportunity I see in books or tv/films where it is okay to have different opinions then we will discuss and my eldest is fine with it. But the moment daddy is involved in any way... it doesn't go well. Once emotions have calmed eldest is always upset about being angry with me and apologises, and we talk about other ways to discuss differences of opinion. I think my biggest worry which has been very much been brought to my attention in this post, is that daddy is very good at getting people to believe his point of view. I believed it for years so why wouldn't two kids who love him not believe him too?
Thank you for this, it has really helped. I think I need to seek some support for my eldest in how to manage these emotions, not sure what or how, but I'll reach out and ask for some guidance. And maybe I'll be better equipped to support my youngest to keep the strong, feisty opinion they seem to just have, which I love.
If anyone has any ideas on how to support with this then please do share! Your advice has been so good!

It's so hard to not retaliate in a bat and ball type scenario with you children as the ball(s). It sounds like daddy is saying things along the line of "I bet mummy does it differently, but we'll do such and such the right way" this puts emphasise on little one doubting you as a mother, your motives and outcomes and that puts a seed of doubt into little ones mind causing mistrust and fornthem to think you've lied to them. This causes them conflicting thoughts of betrayal.

Daddy is clearly manipulative towards his children and likes to try and control. Little one knows this and can't articulate their emotions properly yet. Basically little one knows daddy is in the wrong, he's probably using love as a tool. "I love you, i would only be honest with you" this kind of thing, but little one knows its not true. Like when parents tell a child a pet has gone to live on a farm when in fact pet has died. So child is not only bereft that the pet is gone, but they'll also think the pet prefers another family. Be age appropriately honest.

I'm not a psychologist, but I do have many years supporting families in death especially children who have been told a story by an adult that the child knows deep down isn't true, but can't articulate themselves properly. The situation you are in is kinda similar. You're children are grieving for what was there before as a family unit and what is there now knowing what is being said isn't true and that they're being manipulated. It's like being gagged and then someone telling you a bunch of untruthful things that you can't reply to.

A children's bereavement councillor may be able to help, I know daddy isn't dead, but someone who can help little one unlock their anger problems with the change. This may not work if their dad is still causing issues. It's hard as you have no control over what's being said when they're with him.

On another note Roblox is awful, please be careful and make sure the parental restraints are being used fully.

Best of luck. Dad needs to grow up and stop bad mouthing you to the very young children.

Quote from OP.

‘daddy is very good at getting people to believe his point of view. I believed it for years so why wouldn't two kids who love him not believe him too?’

This is one of the biggest hills you have to climb. I can’t offer advice except to remember this; you seem to have a good grip on things. I wish you and the children well.

I can't stand Roblox, which is why I think daddy has allowed it at his home, he is fully aware of my opinion on it. I won't be having it here, when a 6 year old ckmes home talking about the Squid Games doll game you know there is a proble.@MyTwinklyPanda thank you so much, you've explained that so well. I will be looking into this!

Never too young to learn critical thinking skills. So ask them knowing mummy as you do what do you think? And then ask why do you think that someone might say that about mummy.

These are skills that will serve them for their whole lives. It is never too young to learn to think about motive, so the why behind every action.

Perhaps they do not have enough seniority at work and show it at home?

It would be interesting to research whether bosses with responsibility are kinder at home than the men who worked under them?

I think you handled it beautifully. As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you that not bad mouthing the other parent is what works in the long run. It doesn't take long for kids to realise who is the erratic, lying parent, and who is their rock of unconditional support. They're still little so they will naturally be confused with dad changing plans but it's not your role to explain his behaviour. Just be there for them x

I might be projecting, but here are my thoughts, from growing up in a family where abuse occurred and reality was distorted.

I wonder if there is an element of fear here, which is leading to inflexible thinking. If they are sensing daddy's need to be always right, and the fact that something bad might happen (that he'd be unhappy, or angry) if challenged, then they need to construct a world in which he is always right, because that world is safer. Either to protect themselves from him, or to protect him, because they love him. And therefore they are trying to force you into that world, for everyone's safety.

My instinct is that this is less about "believing him" intellectually and more about knowing that this "needs" to be true. Particularly given the fact that they regret the anger afterwards, and the fact that they can think logically when it doesn't involve their dad.

I think you are doing the right things in teaching fact and opinion. I would try to treat the anger with empathy, as it seems like a lashing-out-in-fear response. And then work to create as safe a space as possible for them to explore their own thoughts and feelings, both with you, or with a neutral party like a therapist if that seems like it might help.

I'm sorry that he can get away with manipulating them :(

@ManchesterGirl2 thank you! This perspective is very interesting and sounds like you're ok to something!

If you were to allow Roblox (supervised with parental control etc) you’d be taking that power away from him… just a thought.

He really sounds like an absolute arsehole. I hope things will get easier for you 💐

Just to add mine were 2&3 when their Dad started this bollocks every other weekend. They are now both studying law!

The other thing that might help, a bit counterintuitively, is teaching them that it's sometimes okay to lie.

If they have been taught that it's wrong to lie, and they are also being taught by daddy "you must believe X", then they're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place when he asks what they believe. If they say their true belief, dad might be cross, but if they lie, they are also being bad.

I'd start teaching them a much more nuanced set of rules about lying, so that they know they don't always have to tell people what they think. A basic one would be "your friend loves her new hat, and she asks if you like it, but you actually think it looks silly. Is it okay to pretend you like it?" I would say that lying is wrong if you're using it to do bad things, like stealing something and then pretending you didn't. But I'd say that you're allowed to think anything at all inside the privacy of your head, and you don't have to tell people what you're thinking unless you want to.

@ManchesterGirl2 this is really good. Thank you. My eldest has said before they didn't disagree with dad when unkind things have been said about mummy, I've explained that they can't stop daddy saying what he wants to say, that they are a kid they don't need to say anything, they did nothing wrong, daddy shouldn't be telling them adult things. That type of thing. But what you say makes so much sense, definitely going to work on this!

Id use the term wait and see what daddy does with you this weekend. Very open ended and very putting it back on dad. Hugs that is an aweful position to be in