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Original poster

To not tell my kids the truth about why we had a second Easter?

172 replies

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 23:05

My kids are young, 2 & 6. We celebrated Easter a week ago, because the very new court order states dad would have them until 6pm on Easter Sunday, first weekend contact since new court order has been put in place. They always come back extremely tired, disregulated and pretty often it feels like the eldest comes back angry with me. So I decided to celebrate a week early so we could enjoy our 'Easter with mummy'. We had a great time, and they understood they would have two Easters as next weekend was a weekend at their home with daddy.

Before handover this weekend, which would be the longest they have been away from me, i explain how many sleeps and that handover is around dinner time so they understand when they are coming back to their home with mummy. They like to know, it helps to settle them. Kids go off for their weekend with dad. I ask for dad to confirm whether he would be giving them dinner every Sunday before handover, his response is he is not giving them dinner as handover is at 9am (old court order timing). I just say okay as I am so used to him changing his mind last minute and trying to mess with me that I didn't hold my breath, especially as he knows Easter means a lot to me. But slightly surprised that at 9am the kids come back to me and we have a lovely second Easter.

Kids have now asked why I lied to them about coming home around dinner time, when it was after breakfast and why they had two Easters with me and no celebration with dad. No easter egg, repeat of christmas and one birthday with minimal effort being made. It took me by surprise, mainly because I was expecting it at bedtime last night, not tonight.

I said that mummy got the best Easter present, a second Easter with my two favourite people in the whole wide world. They didn't question any further.

But what would you say? I don't want them to know about any conflict with dad, but it was noted in court that Dad tells the kids adult issues and coparenting relationship is awful. But often my responses mean my eldest blames me for everything and not daddy. I'm worried this Easter I am getting the blame again, I suppose I am worried that my answers are putting me as the one who decided, that I am the reason they didn't get more daddy time...

Any suggestions on how to word dad choosing less time with the kids as not my fault, obviously not the kid's fault, but also not making the kids aware of the conflict?

Probably massively overthinking this. Second time in just over a week he has chosen to have less time, and always leaves it to the last minute when I've already prepped the kids with the plan to make them feel more comfortable. I try to leave it as late as possible before sharing the plan.

The kid's are just so used to getting conflicting messages and being told that mummy is the unkind, rude, mean one that I am trying to be careful with my choice of language so that I don't add to the way dad paints me to the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:02

BigHeadBertha · 21/04/2025 23:58

I'd keep it light and try to keep them out of adult issues, but at the same time, straighten them out if they used the words "Why did you lie?" Or anything else that gives them an unfair negative impression of you.

"No, I didn't lie. Daddy just changed his mind, that's all. Now, let's have our special Easter."

I'd take on an attitude of lightly and kindly blowing your ex off, with the kids. I think it's an effective strategy to counteract his toxicity with them, to just give them the idea that he's not to be taken all that seriously. I expect they'll pick up your attitude and that seriously takes away the power over you and them that he seems so desperate to assert. :)

Edited

Thank you, this is really good advice. Easy, breezy, don't take dad too seriously atittude is such a good idea.

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/04/2025 00:03

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 23:37

Yes unfortunately they are used to getting conflicting messages, or come back parroting something I don't suspect are their words/thoguhts completely.

Show quote history

You need to keep a diary of all the times they've been left back early and the times he has changed picknup/ drop off for his noon convenience.

Along with the times you note, you need to note whether he gave you any advance notice (acceptable would be a text at midday to say he would be later than expected for pickup, and the evening before if he was planning to drop off the kids in the morning instead of the afternoon).

You also need to note the children's mood on a scale of 1-5 with descriptive words added, when they get home.

Any extra details like 'children wearing same clothes they left home in', 'hair not brushed', 'children had no breakfast' etc.

Include all statements about you/ criticism of you/ complaints about you that they make.

The reason for surprising you on a Sunday morning is to see if you had an overnight guest or to check that you were at home first thing on Sunday morning. It's all about control.

Records are vital. If you have a Ring doorbell, that would be great too - it will corroborate your note to the journal. If you decide to challenge the erratic fulfillment of the court order (you could, if you wanted to) or get a guardian ad literature involved on behalf of the children, if you think he's badmouthing you to them, having your record and your Ring footage will be very important.

It also helps to commit all of this to paper just to keep it out of your head.

You need to manage the children's expectations now you know how he intends to proceed. Do not make any predictions.
"I'll see you when daddy brings you back" is sufficient.

So sorry you and your dear children are going through this. I hope he'll get bored of the games he's playing and piss off.

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:04

Thank you, this makes so much sense.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/04/2025 00:05

@BigHeadBertha

Yes, 100% - very wise advice.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 22/04/2025 00:05

You handled it well with the children.
They may have two Christmas days in the future.
I am glad that you had another easter with them.

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:14

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/04/2025 23:55

You are both bringing the kids into adult conversations. They must know something is off to say that you are lying to them

The whole how many sleeps until they come back doesn’t sound right to. That’s what you say to a child when they are counting down to something special like Christmas or a holiday. Saying that about coming back to your house diminishes their time with their dad as you are focusing on when that will be over and they will be back with you. That’s not fair on them or your ex and their relationship

Yes you might be pissed off at your ex messing you around but to your kids any handover should be seamless even if it’s at the wrong time.

This goes for both of you not just you. He shouldn’t be saying anything about his relationship with you to the kids too. They will remember all this as they grow up as from experience it can and will stay with you if you are caught in the cross wires of parents that are apart and obviously don’t like each other at points

Thank you for this, that is a completely different take on the how many sleeps part that I hadn't considered. I spoke to a children's therapist who encouraged a visual weekly planner where I put school/nursery, who is picking them up, where they will be sleeping. It has really helped my eldest to understand what the plan is, he is under the SEND umbrella with no official diagnosis, but he likes to know the plan and the visual plan er reduced signs of worry/big feelings that he was having about the back and forth and when he would see each of us again. But I completely understand the whole Christmas count down thing, definitely something to think about.

Yeh, I definitely don't want them in the middle/knowing anything. My gut was saying i need to deal with this differently which is why I posted. Took me ages to write it as trying to explain what you have expressed here.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 22/04/2025 00:18

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 23:27

I know he definitely received the draft and now sealed court order as he has kind of followed the new midweek contact (changed pick up and drop off times to fit around his work and not what is in the court order), and has followed the change of time to the start of the weekend contact. This is most likely an example of how the judge's choice of time doesn't suit his wants so dad will change it.

Show quote history

I think this was a mistake on your part OP. Whilst I completely understand you being happy to receive your DC back much earlier on a Sunday, you're allowing your ex to muck you about in this regard and then he blames the mixed messages to your DC on you. Why didn't you message him "No, the new court order timings are 6pm return to me on Sunday - I'm just asking you if you're giving them dinner before returning them"? I really think you need to enforce the conditions of the new court order with your ex so your DC have more certainty and you have more control to give them that certainty.
Best of luck OP - your ex sounds like an absolute arse.

beetr00 · 22/04/2025 00:18

@mathanxiety

You seem to have knowledge in this field?

If so, @BookArt55 should give extra weight to your sensible advice, if you could confirm?

BarbaricYawp · 22/04/2025 00:19

mathanxiety · 22/04/2025 00:03

You need to keep a diary of all the times they've been left back early and the times he has changed picknup/ drop off for his noon convenience.

Along with the times you note, you need to note whether he gave you any advance notice (acceptable would be a text at midday to say he would be later than expected for pickup, and the evening before if he was planning to drop off the kids in the morning instead of the afternoon).

You also need to note the children's mood on a scale of 1-5 with descriptive words added, when they get home.

Any extra details like 'children wearing same clothes they left home in', 'hair not brushed', 'children had no breakfast' etc.

Include all statements about you/ criticism of you/ complaints about you that they make.

The reason for surprising you on a Sunday morning is to see if you had an overnight guest or to check that you were at home first thing on Sunday morning. It's all about control.

Records are vital. If you have a Ring doorbell, that would be great too - it will corroborate your note to the journal. If you decide to challenge the erratic fulfillment of the court order (you could, if you wanted to) or get a guardian ad literature involved on behalf of the children, if you think he's badmouthing you to them, having your record and your Ring footage will be very important.

It also helps to commit all of this to paper just to keep it out of your head.

You need to manage the children's expectations now you know how he intends to proceed. Do not make any predictions.
"I'll see you when daddy brings you back" is sufficient.

So sorry you and your dear children are going through this. I hope he'll get bored of the games he's playing and piss off.

Show quote history

This is such good advice.

I can't add much but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a pig.

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:25

Thank you this is really good. I hadn't thought about mood 1-5 so will add that as this week in particular they came back very sad, sobbing. I film every handover as it is in a public place, more as a safety precaution due to his previous behaviours/allegations.

I log everything else, with screenshots from the parenting app and anything else I have evidence wise. He told the judge, my barrister and solicitor he will be taking me back to court so it is only a matter of when.

Midweek contact he gave me 2hrs 40mins notice. This time I got over a days notice so an improvement.

As you mentioned mood, the kids go to him fairly okay, even happy to go. They come back to me dragging their feet saying how tired they are and wanting carried (falling asleep on the 6 minute drive home) or crying, so upset, then eldest being off/angry with me. I've really been doubting myself and my parenting again this weekend but by today they are back to how they usually are with me; affectionate, playful, laughing, wanting to spend time with me, etc.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 22/04/2025 00:31

I think you should just tell them the truth. If their Dad brings them back earlier than agreed say that. If they ask why no Easter Egg from Dad say you don’t know why. Maybe he forgot to buy one. Don’t protect him and setting your kids up for disappointment from what sounds like a rubbish Dad is probably not a great idea.

beetr00 · 22/04/2025 00:39

@Cornishclio

"I think you should just tell them the truth"

They're babies Cornish, not a bargaining chip?

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:40

BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:25

Thank you this is really good. I hadn't thought about mood 1-5 so will add that as this week in particular they came back very sad, sobbing. I film every handover as it is in a public place, more as a safety precaution due to his previous behaviours/allegations.

I log everything else, with screenshots from the parenting app and anything else I have evidence wise. He told the judge, my barrister and solicitor he will be taking me back to court so it is only a matter of when.

Midweek contact he gave me 2hrs 40mins notice. This time I got over a days notice so an improvement.

As you mentioned mood, the kids go to him fairly okay, even happy to go. They come back to me dragging their feet saying how tired they are and wanting carried (falling asleep on the 6 minute drive home) or crying, so upset, then eldest being off/angry with me. I've really been doubting myself and my parenting again this weekend but by today they are back to how they usually are with me; affectionate, playful, laughing, wanting to spend time with me, etc.

Edited

@mathanxiety sorry, forgot to tag. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 22/04/2025 00:43

@beetr00 How on earth do you consider telling them the truth is treating them as bargaining chips? Lying to them makes the OP look bad which is what the ex obviously intended and the children disappointed.

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 00:45

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 21/04/2025 23:09

I would be getting early years involved so your ex can be challenged about what he is saying to the children.

You need some professional help

This. This is too big for you to handle on your own. Get expert third party help involved

CheeseFiend40 · 22/04/2025 00:46

BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:14

Thank you for this, that is a completely different take on the how many sleeps part that I hadn't considered. I spoke to a children's therapist who encouraged a visual weekly planner where I put school/nursery, who is picking them up, where they will be sleeping. It has really helped my eldest to understand what the plan is, he is under the SEND umbrella with no official diagnosis, but he likes to know the plan and the visual plan er reduced signs of worry/big feelings that he was having about the back and forth and when he would see each of us again. But I completely understand the whole Christmas count down thing, definitely something to think about.

Yeh, I definitely don't want them in the middle/knowing anything. My gut was saying i need to deal with this differently which is why I posted. Took me ages to write it as trying to explain what you have expressed here.

Show quote history

When you were describing your 6 year old I was thinking he sounds very much like my oldest DS7 who is SEND (ADHD). He copes much better with a visual timetable and also likes to know the details of what is happening and when. He's also very much into fairness and what is right, and often accuses me or DH of lying if something isn't as he was told it would be. So we have to explain to him that we didn't lie, we just didn't know or things changed for this reason etc. After some discussion he will eventually accept this reasoning, but it will enevitably happen again.
I agree with precious posters that you should leave the details of the Sunday for your ex to explain to your DS. I would say "You'll be at dads for 2 sleeps and I will see you on Sunday. Daddy will let me know what time he's decided on and he will let you know as well".
It sound like an awful situation for you and the children, my heart really goes out to you all 💐

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:48

2024onwardsandup · 22/04/2025 00:45

This. This is too big for you to handle on your own. Get expert third party help involved

Show quote history

Thank you, could you suggest who that would be? Sorry, don't mean to be annoying but cafcass have done a section 7, I have no friends or family who have gone through this so not sure what help is best for the kids. But definitely want to support them in any way. I've had counselling, but haven't been able to find anything that is avaliable for kids in this age group.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:52

CheeseFiend40 · 22/04/2025 00:46

When you were describing your 6 year old I was thinking he sounds very much like my oldest DS7 who is SEND (ADHD). He copes much better with a visual timetable and also likes to know the details of what is happening and when. He's also very much into fairness and what is right, and often accuses me or DH of lying if something isn't as he was told it would be. So we have to explain to him that we didn't lie, we just didn't know or things changed for this reason etc. After some discussion he will eventually accept this reasoning, but it will enevitably happen again.
I agree with precious posters that you should leave the details of the Sunday for your ex to explain to your DS. I would say "You'll be at dads for 2 sleeps and I will see you on Sunday. Daddy will let me know what time he's decided on and he will let you know as well".
It sound like an awful situation for you and the children, my heart really goes out to you all 💐

Show quote history

Yep suspected adhd, it's so interesting reading about other children and seeing similarities with how they like to manage their day to day and whst tactics work for them.
Vague is definitely the way to go for sure. I think I've been so hell bent on the kids knowing what the plan is, and them feeling comfortable with the new plan that I completely didn't think about the coparent I am dealing with, which backfired massively and I should know better by now.
So much great advice on here, definitely changing my approach.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/04/2025 00:53

You film every drop off and pick up?!? Hell no that is not creating an easy breezy drop off and pick up.

Either get someone else to film or have drop off at your front door with a ring camera but filming every handover sounds so damaging for those poor kids

beetr00 · 22/04/2025 00:57

Cornishclio · 22/04/2025 00:43

@beetr00 How on earth do you consider telling them the truth is treating them as bargaining chips? Lying to them makes the OP look bad which is what the ex obviously intended and the children disappointed.

cos they are 2 & 6 years old!

Deliberately exposing them to the husband's pathetic interaction, who exactly does that benefit?

Certainly not the little ones.

Although @BookArt55 would be justifiably correct.

AngelicKaty · 22/04/2025 00:58

BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:52

Yep suspected adhd, it's so interesting reading about other children and seeing similarities with how they like to manage their day to day and whst tactics work for them.
Vague is definitely the way to go for sure. I think I've been so hell bent on the kids knowing what the plan is, and them feeling comfortable with the new plan that I completely didn't think about the coparent I am dealing with, which backfired massively and I should know better by now.
So much great advice on here, definitely changing my approach.

Show quote history

It sounds like you're doing a great job OP, in spite of your fucking arse (sorry) of an ex doing his best to unsettle your DC - he's supposed to love them more than he hates you. I get so angry hearing of parents like him that use their kids to get back at their co-parent! 😡
Sorry, rant over. 🤗

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 00:59

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/04/2025 00:53

You film every drop off and pick up?!? Hell no that is not creating an easy breezy drop off and pick up.

Either get someone else to film or have drop off at your front door with a ring camera but filming every handover sounds so damaging for those poor kids

Court ordered so it is not at my front door due to his previous behaviours. The phone is in my pocket, i should have said, so it shows that i am not saying anything to dad, that i only say goodbye to the kids. Repeated false allegations to the police have been made about me, friends and family who have tried to support by facilitating handover. The kids like it best when I do it (court order says one specific family member can do it, that he agreed to, but they are in their 70s and find it really stressful) so I cover myself by having the audio. The kids are not aware that I do it and never will be. Unfortunately the court times, like 6pm on a Sunday outside an supermarket, isn't all that safe, as although there is cctv at that time there is no one around in the event his previous behaviours show themselves again.

OP posts:
NSA2103 · 22/04/2025 01:06

Others posters give sound advice on communication. But I feel strongly that you must stick rigidly to the new court order, and pull him up when he tries to vary it.

pumpkinpip007 · 22/04/2025 01:09

I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you are trying to do everything you can for your kids and it’s just torn down by their dad.

My DH was raised by a single mum whose dad was flaky at best. He knew who was the true champion (his mum!) and while he always had hope for his dad to step up, as an adult he came to terms with how shitty his dad really was.

I think you can just keep communicating but also don’t cover the truth for a layabout.

Original poster
BookArt55 · 22/04/2025 01:15

NSA2103 · 22/04/2025 01:06

Others posters give sound advice on communication. But I feel strongly that you must stick rigidly to the new court order, and pull him up when he tries to vary it.

Thank you I think i made a mistake here. I'm fairly new to putting boundaries in place with him and for some reason haven't unheld the court order (most expensive and legal boundary). Definitely taken that on board from you and others that have said it. Thank you!

OP posts: