To not tell my kids the truth about why we had a second Easter?

[BookArt55]

My kids are young, 2 & 6. We celebrated Easter a week ago, because the very new court order states dad would have them until 6pm on Easter Sunday, first weekend contact since new court order has been put in place. They always come back extremely tired, disregulated and pretty often it feels like the eldest comes back angry with me. So I decided to celebrate a week early so we could enjoy our 'Easter with mummy'. We had a great time, and they understood they would have two Easters as next weekend was a weekend at their home with daddy.

Before handover this weekend, which would be the longest they have been away from me, i explain how many sleeps and that handover is around dinner time so they understand when they are coming back to their home with mummy. They like to know, it helps to settle them. Kids go off for their weekend with dad. I ask for dad to confirm whether he would be giving them dinner every Sunday before handover, his response is he is not giving them dinner as handover is at 9am (old court order timing). I just say okay as I am so used to him changing his mind last minute and trying to mess with me that I didn't hold my breath, especially as he knows Easter means a lot to me. But slightly surprised that at 9am the kids come back to me and we have a lovely second Easter.

Kids have now asked why I lied to them about coming home around dinner time, when it was after breakfast and why they had two Easters with me and no celebration with dad. No easter egg, repeat of christmas and one birthday with minimal effort being made. It took me by surprise, mainly because I was expecting it at bedtime last night, not tonight.

I said that mummy got the best Easter present, a second Easter with my two favourite people in the whole wide world. They didn't question any further.

But what would you say? I don't want them to know about any conflict with dad, but it was noted in court that Dad tells the kids adult issues and coparenting relationship is awful. But often my responses mean my eldest blames me for everything and not daddy. I'm worried this Easter I am getting the blame again, I suppose I am worried that my answers are putting me as the one who decided, that I am the reason they didn't get more daddy time...

Any suggestions on how to word dad choosing less time with the kids as not my fault, obviously not the kid's fault, but also not making the kids aware of the conflict?

Probably massively overthinking this. Second time in just over a week he has chosen to have less time, and always leaves it to the last minute when I've already prepped the kids with the plan to make them feel more comfortable. I try to leave it as late as possible before sharing the plan.

The kid's are just so used to getting conflicting messages and being told that mummy is the unkind, rude, mean one that I am trying to be careful with my choice of language so that I don't add to the way dad paints me to the kids.

Gosh this sounds so hard OP. I have nothing useful to add - you’ve had lots of good advice here and I don’t have any experience in this area. Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum, and I’m glad you got an extra Easter to enjoy with them - even if it meant having a tricky conversation & being accused of lying. Sending hugs.

You might find the image of the wheel on this page helpful in terms of you being able to recognise and record behaviour that’s abusive. I’d also recommend contacting a local domestic abuse charity for support with ongoing abuse, and this will have the added bonus of creating a paper trail in case you have to go back to court.

www.dvact.org/post/the-post-separation-abuse-wheel

@BookArt55 Repeat the exact same phrase every time your children question you or the schedule:

"Daddy changed his mind."

Innocent enough to not 'rock the boat' with him, perfectly accurate and one that the children will come to understand with greater insight as they grow older. It won't ever be the last time dad lets them down.

Keep posting here.

There are dozens of women here who have spent years in the trenches dealing with men like the one you're dealing with.

I too divorced a twat and was dragged back to court for nine years after the divorce. Ex was a lawyer so for him it was a sadistic little hobby that didn't cost him a penny.

This. They are 2 & 6. They don't need a long explanation.

Don't tell the kids what you think might happen when they're with dad, you're confusing them.

Just let him get on with parenting them when they're with him.

Dad's not telling the kids what he thinks your plans are, he wouldn't care less.

I would say that daddy changed his mind about what time he was going to bring them home and leave it at that. No need for elaborate explanations or sugar coating. As you rightly say you're being presented as a liar to your children - that needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think the poster meant early help rather than early years, but I'm not sure what early help could do for you TBH. It doesn't sound like there are any specific parenting issues or needs that you have, and they won't be able to engage with him unless he wants to, which sounds unlikely.

Your children asked why you lied to them ? Then you say, ‘no my darlings, I didn’t lie, I told you the truth just as I always do and always will. I thought you would be home this evening but Daddy changed the time to bring you back and I’m really pleased about that because I was missing you both. I’m really sorry if you are upset about it but no I don’t know why Daddy changed his mind but I do know he loves you very much, -you could ask him next time if you remember’

Tell them the truth in a way that keeps them feeling secure and happy.

Christ in heaven, he's pouring this poison into your chidren's ears? That is terrible.

OP I know this kind of dad. He sees contact with the DC as a way to control you and will be constantly trying to think of ways to upset you. He does not care what impact this has on the DC. All he cares about is hurting you. Don’t expect this to change.

You have had some great ideas on here. Continue to be vague. Continue to document everything. Do seek therapy for the DC. Even if you can’t afford it now, figure out what is available and go on waiting lists.

Also seek support for yourself. Have you been in touch with Gingerbread?

Saying there was a change of plans is fine imo

Nothing to add OP other than, lots of great advice on here. You sound like a good mum and he sounds like an utter arsehole

This.

Less is more. They don’t need to know the minutiae.

^This.

Next time the kids ask why did you lie. You respond and say you didn’t lie, Daddy just changed his mind on the time for them to come home without telling you. For future visits, you say that the agreement with Dad is that they will be back home for breakfast/lunch/dinner/bedtime but he may change his mind and if it goes later than agreed, you will be contacting him.

Id also get my older kid a phone as soon as they can use one so you can stay in touch with them directly.

I agree with this. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex but I have learned over the years not to assume what he will do with the DC when they are with him. He just doesn't find the same things important or have the same priorities as me. But he's still a good dad and the kids are safe and loved when they are with him.

My daughter has sen including anxiety so always has 1000 questions about everything we are going to do on any given day and then meltdowns if that doesn’t happen exactly. I thought I was helping when we’d spend time walking through the days in advance but I was unfortunately making it worse. We keep everything vague now ‘we will probably see your friend and we might go to a cafe and maybe for a walk’. This was on advice from cahms at a parenting course I did and it had helped. She still has 1000 questions and sometimes it takes longer to talk things through as she needs to hear about all the options ‘I will take you to ballet if I’m home in time but if not I will message daddy and he will do it’ etc etc but it’s definitely decreased the panic to keep things as vague as possible.

Dropping the children off and not speaking to their DF must be very anxiety-inducing for them. Surely it’s not beyond the realms of possibility to have a civil conversation ‘Hi, the kids have eaten breakfast, eldest had a rough night but seems ok now. see you at 6’ then say bye to kids and walk off. If you’re secretly recording any conversation then if he decides to be arsey with you, you’ll have evidence.
Also, if his drop off time is at 6pm, then don’t turn up until that time! if YOU stick to the times, he’ll have to.
Don’t talk about the kids ‘going to daddy’s house’. Refer to his house as ‘your other home’. They shouldn’t see it as a place to visit, but that they have two homes, one with mummy, one with daddy. It might stick in your throat to do so, but it’s really important that they don’t feel like they’re being shipped off to somewhere away from ‘home’.
I had a terrible relationship with my ex, and our dc was 6 when I eventually left. Even though I hated him with a passion (and still do) I forced myself to be civil in front of DC for her sake. As an adult she still talks about growing up with 2 homes, I am still civil with her DF and even manage to have conversations with him about our joint grandchildren. He realised a long time ago that he had no power over me anymore!

Yes, I'm struggling to see how all of the legal stuff has taken place ( cost, stress) court has made agreements, then the adults continue as if there is nothing in place. There are changes from the court order, to times, impartial person doing the handover. Additionally, the place for the handover (outside a supermarket) the OP is saying is unsuitable as unsafe , so why is this agreed?

Surely the whole point of the court order is to have a set of workable rules agreed that both adults abide by.

The early Sunday meeting…my response would have been to respond that I had other plans until the court agreed time. Break his hold.

But what would you say?

Nothing further, they asked questions you answered and you said they didn’t ask anymore questions so I’d leave it at that.

Why? At those ages mine would definitely have asked why plans had changed from what I’d told them previously.

Yes. I'd do this too - you can be factual without slagging off the other parent.

"Dad said X" puzzled face. "I'm not sure why, he's silly isn't he" type thing is what I'd do.

I’m not sure why the OP is getting a hard time for her ex being a useless cunt.