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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating an older man I just don’t understand him?

226 replies

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:33

I’m 30 dating someone 55 I have known him for a good 3 years and dated on and off. We are trying to make a proper go of it this time. He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. He’s took me away on weekends away and really made me fall for him. I should probably say he has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure so may be I am expecting too much. I just spent the weekend with him he slept most of the weekend he wasn’t well. Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling. I feel like I’m chasing after him!

AIBU? Do I just accept he isn’t well? I almost feel like he’s finally with me and now lost interest.

OP posts:
PinotDragon86 · 21/04/2025 20:36

That's quite a large age gap. Maybe he is worried about keeping up with a younger woman? Or he has some sort of erectile disfunction he may not feel comfortable talking about.
A frank and open discussion is needed between the two of you to see if the relationship is viable.

CookingFatCat · 21/04/2025 20:38

He’s playing with you. Rude behaviour.
Age gap aside you can do better.

Blackcountrychik83 · 21/04/2025 20:42

When you’re 40 he will be ready to retire … 🤔

It all seems like too much drama at the beginning when it should be easy .
You need to be having fun and enjoying your younger years not worrying about your partners health ,

GOODCAT · 21/04/2025 20:42

Don't settle for this, you can do a lot better.

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:43

There is no way on earth I would be chasing a much older man. He should be beyond thankful he got a much younger woman to look his way.

Dearg · 21/04/2025 20:44

That’s a very big age gap Op, and he probably is concerned about keeping up with you - as he should be.

Do you want children ? Travel/ holidays / adventures together? Can he give you what you crave? I get why he wants you. It’s not so obvious why you would pursue this, particularly given his health issues.

brombatz · 21/04/2025 20:46

High blood pressure is usually symptomless...

He sounds hard work.

Original poster
Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 21/04/2025 20:47

High blood pressure would not make him feel ill and sleep all weekend.
You've got nothing in common with him, he's probably looking for a carer

Gundogday · 21/04/2025 20:48

Sounds like he was love bombing you initially.

Maybe he was genuinely ill this weekend which is why he slept a lot. Maybe he’s still poorly and still sleeping.

Perhaps wait a week to see if things differ. If but, move on.

(Also agree that’s a big age gap. He’s heading towards his pension whilst your priority maybe starting a family and fun).

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2025 20:48

Why on earth wouldn’t you take a step back?!?

absoluteky batshit not to. I can’t imagine the desperation.

VaddaABeetch · 21/04/2025 20:49

I’m 56, no way would I go out with a 30 year old. Way too big a gap.

is he embarrassed he couldn’t get it up?

Whatever the reason stop trying to ‘understand’ him. He’s not a project, you’re not his therapist, you’re not his mammy. Find someone fun your own age & don’t waste your precious youth trying to understand some old lad.

Edenmum2 · 21/04/2025 20:50

Don’t do it, I have a friend who married this man and it was the worst decision she ever made. It won’t get any better!

StScholastica · 21/04/2025 20:50

Run for the hills.

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 21/04/2025 20:51

This reply has been deleted

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VaddaABeetch · 21/04/2025 20:51

Also many 55 year old men are boring as feck & whingey with it.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/04/2025 20:52

I don’t know what’s wrong with him energy wise, but this is too big an age gap for more than a fling, so just move on

Olika · 21/04/2025 20:52

I think you should just leave it. The age gap is too big and with his health issues he needs to rest/take it easy and that’s waste of your time in your 30s. He doesn’t sound to be that serious about you anyway so what’s the point.

EatingHealthy · 21/04/2025 20:53

Age difference aside. You say you 'just' spent the weekend with him and he's barely been in contact since - not that he hasn't been in contact at all. So you're getting upset over limited contact over a one day period when you know he's not well and has been needing to sleep a lot. You sound like a nightmare!

SuperTrooper14 · 21/04/2025 20:54

As someone close to his age, I suspect the harsh reality of not being able to keep up with a 30-year-old in every respect has caught up with him and he's being cowardly in not telling you that. I consider myself active but there's no way I could or would want to be in a relationship with someone so much younger. I need my daytime nana naps! 😂

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 20:57

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

Yes, take a step back and let him chase you, when you are his age he will be 80, do you really want that

unsevered67 · 21/04/2025 20:57

I’m in my early sixties . I am pretty fit and well but lots of friends my age are developing medical problems. I walk and go to the gym but no way do I have the energy that I used to.
Your dp will be in my age group before you are 40. If you did have kids with him I doubt that he would have the energy to be as involved as you would want him to be. You might end up as his carer as well as doing most of the childcare.
And no disrespect but actually any decent man age 55 wouldn’t be with a 30 year old.

Sassybooklover · 21/04/2025 20:59

At 30, you are still young, please don't waste it away on a man 25 years older than you. Why on earth would you want a child with a man of this age? You'll end up being his carer, not his partner. As for what's going through his mind, who knows. Honestly, end the relationship, and find someone closer to your own age. It's a too bigger of an age gap to work long-term.

2old4thisshit · 21/04/2025 20:59

I am 51, dh 60, he’s always been ‘young at heart’. Looks younger than he is, but oh my god, over the last 2 years, he is slowly, but surely turning into Victor Meldrew.

We met when I was very early 20’s, I love him dearly and he’s my everything, but it’s dawned on me that he’s starting to age and there’s a possibility that I could become his carer.

Don’t entertain the age gap of 25 years.

MeganM3 · 21/04/2025 21:01

Honestly do not waste your youth. It is so precious and it is fleeting. You’re 30. Go be with someone in that age range and build something that could last a lifetime.
You’ll get nothing but problems out of this older feller. And sounds like he love bombed and then pulled back. Just don’t bother with it - cut your loses.