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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating an older man I just don’t understand him?

226 replies

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:33

I’m 30 dating someone 55 I have known him for a good 3 years and dated on and off. We are trying to make a proper go of it this time. He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. He’s took me away on weekends away and really made me fall for him. I should probably say he has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure so may be I am expecting too much. I just spent the weekend with him he slept most of the weekend he wasn’t well. Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling. I feel like I’m chasing after him!

AIBU? Do I just accept he isn’t well? I almost feel like he’s finally with me and now lost interest.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 21/04/2025 22:04

What on earth are you doing, thinking about having a child with a man who can't even talk to you properly? Bin him off.

Eyerollexpert · 21/04/2025 22:05

I found 30 a difficult age as a single mum to two young kids, as far as dating was concerned. Many men similar age were already married, (as I should still have been). Many in long term relationships, or had their own kids at weekends etc. I had a few shortish relationships with younger(by a couple of years) men, but found them to be immature and insecure.
No way would I have considered such a big age gap. Don't settle, think of all the things you want to do in life with your existing son and crack on with doing them, coupledom isn't the be all, the world is there for you, enjoy it without a miserable old git holding you back.💕

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/04/2025 22:11

"He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. ... Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling."
Sounds to me like he likes the thrill of the chase - and having 'won', he loses interest.

"I feel like I’m chasing after him!"
Don't. Seriously, don't. He's not worth having.

FeedTheRoses · 21/04/2025 22:14

Ditch him, honestly, he’s past his prime . Get someone nearer your own age, and I speak from experience.
He will soon be 60…

consistentlyinconsistent · 21/04/2025 22:15

I bet there is a good chance you are older than his children.

IcedPurple · 21/04/2025 22:19

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

"Eventually"?

He's 55!

And he's too old for you. Way too old.

IcedPurple · 21/04/2025 22:22

ruethewhirl · 21/04/2025 21:47

What a disgusting load of ageist nonsense.

Edited
Show quote history

How is it 'ageist'?

Age matters. It's not 'just a number'. Unless of course the man is decades older than the woman.

VintedVirginal · 21/04/2025 22:26

It's a big age gap but Boris and Carrie got over it and have 3 kids! 26 years difference there! Will it last- who knows?

Mick Jagger is 80 and he fiance is 36. They have a child.

However, ignoring the age gap, he seems to be game playing. No man should beg you to date him.

High BP doesn't make people sleepy. It's usually symptomless until more serious stuff starts to go wrong.

Maybe he's worried he can't perform in bed and has ED?

Just a thought.

It seems like too much hard work to be honest.

Robinsinthegarden · 21/04/2025 22:28

Please don’t op. You will become a career and will waste your life.

Hedgingmybetching · 21/04/2025 22:28

He wants a kid with you eventually? If you were pregnant right now with his kid the poor sod would have a 70 year old father when s/he is only 14.

Christ don't just take a step back, do a fucking about face and sprint the fuck out of his vicinity and find someone closer to your age if you still want kids. He ain't the one.

IcedPurple · 21/04/2025 22:32

VintedVirginal · 21/04/2025 22:26

It's a big age gap but Boris and Carrie got over it and have 3 kids! 26 years difference there! Will it last- who knows?

Mick Jagger is 80 and he fiance is 36. They have a child.

However, ignoring the age gap, he seems to be game playing. No man should beg you to date him.

High BP doesn't make people sleepy. It's usually symptomless until more serious stuff starts to go wrong.

Maybe he's worried he can't perform in bed and has ED?

Just a thought.

It seems like too much hard work to be honest.

Edited

It's a big age gap but Boris and Carrie got over it and have 3 kids! 26 years difference there! Will it last- who knows?
Mick Jagger is 80 and he fiance is 36. They have a child.

Not that I consider either man a 'catch' but I'm pretty certain the OP's 55 year old is not a legendary rock star or former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/04/2025 22:34

He's almost TWICE your age - he's disgusting.

Don't waste anymore of your energy with this man. You shouldn't give in to a man who has to repeatedly beg to get you to go out with him. I won't even start on why having a baby with him is the worst idea ever.

Ger1atricMillennial · 21/04/2025 22:36

He treats you like this because that is the way that he treats women, it's nothing to do with his age.

You can do better....

adviceneeded1990 · 21/04/2025 22:37

I’m not overly fussed about age gaps when both meet well into adulthood but this doesn’t sound promising. If he was a high energy and fit and healthy 55 then maybe it could work but it sounds like you’re already very out of sync. Don’t waste your life wondering what a man’s problem is, not at any age.

Crazybaby123 · 21/04/2025 22:40

I am a 40 something with a 50 something man, coming up to our 17th year together.
He has similar health issues.
Some days be can't get out of bed, some days his medication gives him bowl issues, some days he aches all over and is completely miserable for days becuase of it.
Some days his eyesight isnt great.
Some days hes energetic and wants to take on the world.
Some days he says be just wants to retire.
All days he needs support.
My advice to a 30 something heading down this road.. you're not in too deep yet... run for your freedom.

Newusernameforthiss · 21/04/2025 22:45

Run run run. You will be his carer and if you have a child with him they'll lose their dad way too soon 😔

misssunshine4040 · 21/04/2025 22:45

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

Eventually? He’s 50! How long are waiting.. too old to be a father by then. See sense

Salome61 · 21/04/2025 22:46

Your boyfriend wants someone younger to look after him in his old age, dump him now.

poetryandwine · 21/04/2025 22:47

DH is older than this and I don’t recognise all the posts about slowing down. Okay, several hours of pruning thick hedges takes more out of him than it used to, but he is still an avid and vigorous hill walker. Ageing is very individual.

Do what you like, OP, but my first thought about his tiredness is that some kind of flu -like bug has laid half my village low. Could he simply be ill?

RogueFemale · 21/04/2025 22:47

VaddaABeetch · 21/04/2025 20:49

I’m 56, no way would I go out with a 30 year old. Way too big a gap.

is he embarrassed he couldn’t get it up?

Whatever the reason stop trying to ‘understand’ him. He’s not a project, you’re not his therapist, you’re not his mammy. Find someone fun your own age & don’t waste your precious youth trying to understand some old lad.

Edited

Totally agree

Bellyblueboy · 21/04/2025 22:49

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

Are you sure you want to have a child with someone so much older?

he would be what 57 by the time the baby is born? He already has health issues. Would it be fair in you? Would it be fair in the baby?

Imagine your life with a 10 year old child and a 67 year year old partner. By the time the child is away at university you would only be 50, still young! He would be 75. Health issues really kicking in. My parents are this age - their friends and siblings are I. Relatively good health but there are still a lot of doctors appointments, hospital stays, chat about prostates and blood pressure, and arthritis.

my parents struggle to connect with their teenage grandchildren. They try but there is just not a lot of common ground.

Otterhound · 21/04/2025 22:51

Sorry op, its not a him problem, its a you problem.
why the fuck are you dating a man 25 years older than you? What the fucks wrong with you??
I’m a 56 year old bloke and I cannot imagine ever dating a women 25 years younger than me and if I met such a women who wanted to date me I’d assume she wasnt right in the head.
i have nothing sensible of offer a much younger woman except money. And nor does he

stop being a muppet and dump him.

Otterhound · 21/04/2025 22:53

Also he's a creep.
up standing men with morals dont chase women young enough to be their daughters

QueefQueen80s · 21/04/2025 22:53

Otterhound · 21/04/2025 22:51

Sorry op, its not a him problem, its a you problem.
why the fuck are you dating a man 25 years older than you? What the fucks wrong with you??
I’m a 56 year old bloke and I cannot imagine ever dating a women 25 years younger than me and if I met such a women who wanted to date me I’d assume she wasnt right in the head.
i have nothing sensible of offer a much younger woman except money. And nor does he

stop being a muppet and dump him.

You’re one of the good ones!

BruFord · 21/04/2025 22:53

It sounds as if he had a virus this weekend and was being off with you.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother, it’s a huge age gap and personally, I don’t think having a baby with him is a good idea.