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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating an older man I just don’t understand him?

226 replies

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:33

I’m 30 dating someone 55 I have known him for a good 3 years and dated on and off. We are trying to make a proper go of it this time. He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. He’s took me away on weekends away and really made me fall for him. I should probably say he has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure so may be I am expecting too much. I just spent the weekend with him he slept most of the weekend he wasn’t well. Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling. I feel like I’m chasing after him!

AIBU? Do I just accept he isn’t well? I almost feel like he’s finally with me and now lost interest.

OP posts:
ZepherinDrouhin · 21/04/2025 23:01

Dump and run, you're just there to supply to meet his sexual and caring needs as he heads to retirement age.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Find a guy nearer to your age and have fun, he isn't the man for you.

Beeloux · 21/04/2025 23:05

VintedVirginal · 21/04/2025 22:26

It's a big age gap but Boris and Carrie got over it and have 3 kids! 26 years difference there! Will it last- who knows?

Mick Jagger is 80 and he fiance is 36. They have a child.

However, ignoring the age gap, he seems to be game playing. No man should beg you to date him.

High BP doesn't make people sleepy. It's usually symptomless until more serious stuff starts to go wrong.

Maybe he's worried he can't perform in bed and has ED?

Just a thought.

It seems like too much hard work to be honest.

Edited

The difference is Boris and Mick are multi millionaires. I have not yet came across an old man with a much younger woman if he isn’t loaded.

This one is no longer making an effort financially and is being a cheeky bastard to add.

Mummacake · 21/04/2025 23:07

I had a partner like this, sleeping most of the weekend (my only free time) and I found it really frustrating although the age difference wasn't as great as OPs. It turned out to be diabetes. He was also on BP meds & the constant 'health issues' were too much for me tbh. There would always be a health scare when I wanted a discussion on why the relationship wasn't really working. Exhausting.

LoafofSellotape · 21/04/2025 23:08

Flopsythebunny · 21/04/2025 20:47

High blood pressure would not make him feel ill and sleep all weekend.
You've got nothing in common with him, he's probably looking for a carer

Yes it can. If he's started medication it can make you feel very tired as you adjust to the meds. The meds themselves can make you feel absolutely dire while you get used to them. Don't write him off just yet until you discuss it if you're happy so far.

Pe1ican · 21/04/2025 23:09

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

It is unfair on any potential child to have a parent this old. His parenting days are long gone. I am your age and not imagine wanting to date a man so much older than me

IcedPurple · 21/04/2025 23:09

VaddaABeetch · 21/04/2025 20:49

I’m 56, no way would I go out with a 30 year old. Way too big a gap.

is he embarrassed he couldn’t get it up?

Whatever the reason stop trying to ‘understand’ him. He’s not a project, you’re not his therapist, you’re not his mammy. Find someone fun your own age & don’t waste your precious youth trying to understand some old lad.

Edited

I am 55 and while I might see some men half my age and think that they are physically attractive, it would never occur to me to want a relationship with one. We would have nothing in common and are at completely different life stages. And no, I don't think it's different when the genders are reversed. When I was a young woman I would never have gone near a 55 year old man.

There are reasons why most people date within their age group. Lots of reasons.

WhisperingTree · 21/04/2025 23:11

I’m 50yo. I think you are just on different stages of life. He is unhealthy and slowing down. I don’t nap when I’m on a holiday but I’m very healthy. I Kano many at my age who aren’t. But I still can’t match the energy I had at 30. You are too young for him. You need someone who has more life in him.

RogueFemale · 21/04/2025 23:13

@Backtoworktmrw I can't answer the poll as the question isn't clear.

What I'm fairly sure of is that you're wasting your time with this man. Yes, it's possible for love to work with an enormous age gap, you say it's been going on for over three years and it's obvious now that it's not working.

Just move on. You're really young and can do much better than this!

CrackSpackle · 21/04/2025 23:22

“He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance.”

Ick ick ick!!! Why would you waste your youth on an old man!?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 21/04/2025 23:29

You could end up like Celine Dion - feeding your husband and babies at the same sitting! 😂🤭 He was also 25 years older, they had twins, and then he had a stroke. Doesn't that sound fun?

BigHeadBertha · 21/04/2025 23:31

My feeling is you're too young to fully comprehend what "55" means. It means health problems like he has now will continue to get worse and then he'll die when you're still in your prime, after spending your life having to slow down for, cater to and wait on an elderly invalid or semi-invalid.

It means having a child would be so not recommended that it crosses the line into foolish. It means a whole lot of things that your parents would understand but you clearly do not but think you do. I think you should step back and consider that there's a ton more to this than just your current feelings. I think it's a bad idea and that you would be very sorry in the end. Best wishes.

LushLemonTart · 21/04/2025 23:32

I have a large age gap with dh. I'm late 50s he's almost 70. He's fit and has more energy than me some days. But he is healthy and takes care of himself plus has good genes. Plus he's never blown hot and cold.

This guy doesn't sound right for you and 25 years gap is big. Please be wary.

BigHeadBertha · 21/04/2025 23:32

ThisFluentBiscuit · 21/04/2025 23:29

You could end up like Celine Dion - feeding your husband and babies at the same sitting! 😂🤭 He was also 25 years older, they had twins, and then he had a stroke. Doesn't that sound fun?

Edited

So true. And let's not forget, she had the blows considerably softened by being filthy rich.

Snapncrackle · 21/04/2025 23:56

VintedVirginal · 21/04/2025 22:26

It's a big age gap but Boris and Carrie got over it and have 3 kids! 26 years difference there! Will it last- who knows?

Mick Jagger is 80 and he fiance is 36. They have a child.

However, ignoring the age gap, he seems to be game playing. No man should beg you to date him.

High BP doesn't make people sleepy. It's usually symptomless until more serious stuff starts to go wrong.

Maybe he's worried he can't perform in bed and has ED?

Just a thought.

It seems like too much hard work to be honest.

Edited

Yeah but Mick Jagger & BJ are both wealthy & powerful men

they would have 0 chance of dating a woman 26 years younger and almost 50 years younger if they were a regular bloke or someone on a average wage

I mean BJ is horrible looking but probably quite funny
mick jagger was supposed ro be a heat throb but I can’t see it myself
but the money and power can make up for the ugly looks

the money / millions power and access to stuff that most people can only dream off is what gets them the woman not there sparkling personalities

Sodthesystem · 21/04/2025 23:58

Men over forty are significantly more likely to father children with disabilities.

It is also the health of the man that determinees things like the health of the placenta and, how bad morning sickness will be.

Women would be wise to never have a child with a man who hasn't spent the last year getting in peak physical condition. Let alone, with a 55 year old with high blood pressure.

kkloo · 22/04/2025 00:00

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

You'd be absolutely mad to have a baby with this man. You'd probably end up stuck as his carer because you'd be tied to him. There's also an increased risk of having a child with special needs etc. when the father is older.

Firefly1987 · 22/04/2025 00:03

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:46

I already have a son so not fussed but we have spoken about kids and we would like one together eventually. At this moment of time I’m just not sure I’m going to take a step back.

You'd like one together eventually? And he's already 55?! Blimey how long are you going to wait? Imo he's already far too old for a baby now.

Snapncrackle · 22/04/2025 00:05

Your his ego boost
by him dating a women 25 years younger than him you give him a massive ego boost that he - an old man with BP problems health problems and needs to nap in the afternoon can still pull a most likely fit young woman

honestly your nuts to to even consider it
if he has kids they are probably your age and you have to ask why a man of 55 wants to date someone the age of his kids - I think it’s pretty vile

However if he is seriously wealthy as in millions and can give yoi a very good lifestyle then marry him ASAP
fuck the life out of him so he dies happy and be the Merry Widow 😂

then get a young boyfriend your own age

TheAmpleBalonz · 22/04/2025 00:05

About 35% of over 40s have high blood pressure. Me included. It doesn’t make you tired! You’re being used

CharlotteSometimes1 · 22/04/2025 00:09

I agree with everyone that this is too big an age gap. However, DH and I are in this age bracket and I really don’t recognise some of these descriptions of reduced energy. Eat well, do exercise and you wont spend your free time sleeping or be aching after a hike/day in the garden etc.

healthybychristmas · 22/04/2025 00:18

So this 55-year-old has told you he wouldn't mind a child eventually? When exactly is he thinking of doing this? Honestly you need your head examined! He's a completely different generation to you.

AngelicKaty · 22/04/2025 00:30

@Backtoworktmrw Age-gap relationships can work (I have a friend whose partner is 20 years older than her and they've been together 30-odd years) but you need to be clearly aligned on your values and goals for life. I'm sorry OP, but I fear your on/off DP may be realising that you can't make this work - and it seems from your posts you're feeling the same. Maybe it's time to end this amicably once and for all, but remain friends if you can, leaving each of you to find someone more suited to where you are in life. Good luck OP.

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 22/04/2025 00:54

worriedmum7777 · 21/04/2025 21:04

Foul, ageist post.

a 36yo had saggy lines in front of his ears?? 🙄🙄

Show quote history

Aw no! My post was deleted! I was just telling my experience.

And yes - saggy lines in front of his ears (such a weird place) at 36. I saw his driving license and passport so age was correct. Current DP is older than that now and doesn’t have them.

MarchionessVonSausage · 22/04/2025 00:55

I echo all the posters saying "I wouldnt".

I'm 50 & have a partner who's 70. We don't live together & have a fairly casual but very loving relationship. He's about as healthy & fit as can be at that age.

But it breaks my heart to know I will have to watch him decline eventually, and that I will lose him. I'm tearing up just typing that.

Also he's playing games with you. You can and will find someone better.