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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating an older man I just don’t understand him?

226 replies

Backtoworktmrw · 21/04/2025 20:33

I’m 30 dating someone 55 I have known him for a good 3 years and dated on and off. We are trying to make a proper go of it this time. He has begged and pleaded for me to be with him and give him a chance. He’s took me away on weekends away and really made me fall for him. I should probably say he has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure so may be I am expecting too much. I just spent the weekend with him he slept most of the weekend he wasn’t well. Now he has just gone cold with me barely texting or calling. I feel like I’m chasing after him!

AIBU? Do I just accept he isn’t well? I almost feel like he’s finally with me and now lost interest.

OP posts:
JohnnysMama · 23/04/2025 09:47

JHound · 23/04/2025 00:53

I know what I said. It’s not what you said I said.

The woman may have a terrible personality but the reality is where men, most men value youth massively in women. That’s a fact. All data shows it, dating preferences show it, the experience of older women dating show it, the experience on younger women on OLD and men lying pretending to be younger shows it.

Can you please stop pretending that is not the case?

So a young woman failing to realise that and chasing after a dude her dad’s age is a fool. Unless he’s a billionnaire or something.

He should be thanking his lucky stars and worshipping the ground she walks on because more women in their 30s would react to interest for a man their father’s age with an “eugh, gross!@

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Well the data also shows that women who are into much older men had some issues with their father. Unless, as you say, they have some material interest when a guy is a billionaire or something(which is another issue to address). Other than that you need to look into family system

ruethewhirl · 23/04/2025 09:54

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 22/04/2025 01:09

Not at all, there was a study published in 2014.

Genetic mutational load, hun.

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🙄

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 23/04/2025 10:06

Get out of this. He’s treating you appallingly and please don’t have a child with him.
My OH is 70 soon I am more than a decade younger but I think that’s a big enough gap.
He has high blood pressure at times. He still runs af marathons, runs his own small business and is up at 6 am every morning. So the sleeping all day thing is something else.

MidnightMeltdown · 23/04/2025 11:45

JohnnysMama · 23/04/2025 09:47

Well the data also shows that women who are into much older men had some issues with their father. Unless, as you say, they have some material interest when a guy is a billionaire or something(which is another issue to address). Other than that you need to look into family system

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Hang on a minute, OP is into one older man, we don’t know that this is a pattern! It sounds as though he was love bombing and manipulating her. It doesn’t say anything about OP other than that she liked him/enjoyed the attention of this particular man, but it says plenty about him.

OP, he is much too old and no good for you. Run away fast and don’t look back!

NeedyExpert · 23/04/2025 12:05

He sounds unwell, he will get over it and hopefully back to normal. Give it some time Age gap is nothing....I've just turned 35 my boyfriend is 51 and our son has just turned 12 months xx

JHound · 23/04/2025 12:05

JohnnysMama · 23/04/2025 09:47

Well the data also shows that women who are into much older men had some issues with their father. Unless, as you say, they have some material interest when a guy is a billionaire or something(which is another issue to address). Other than that you need to look into family system

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What data? Do you have a link to it?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 23/04/2025 12:18

Maybe he just has flu, but maybe his health is declining, which isn’t that unusual in your mid 50s. If so you might have a lifetime of care if you stay with him.

Bellyblueboy · 23/04/2025 13:38

NeedyExpert · 23/04/2025 12:05

He sounds unwell, he will get over it and hopefully back to normal. Give it some time Age gap is nothing....I've just turned 35 my boyfriend is 51 and our son has just turned 12 months xx

You do know your age gap is much smaller don’t you?

you are 16 years younger. OP is 25 years younger. When OP is your age her boyfriend won’t be 51 he will be 60. A decade makes a big difference to health and aging.

Your boyfriend did become a dad late in life, but at a much younger age than OP’s boyfriend would be.

Shamsie24 · 23/04/2025 16:48

There was a 25 year age gap in my relationship. You will end up as his carer, you will be responsible for all the childcare, and unless he's loaded, you will be the breadwinner. These are the facts - if you're not prepared for them, then just don't. However, be kind - perhaps the weekend away brought home to him the age gap is just too big. He may be depressed right now, so gently does it and give him space. All that said, my late partner made me laugh than anyone and being his carer was not a catastrophe - about the only decent thing I've ever done. I'd do it all again, but I do wish he'd been younger. Still, life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful. Don't fall into this out of sympathy - you and your child come first every time.

Pinkdhalia · 23/04/2025 18:05

If sex is important to you, he's probably not right for you. Not many 30 year olds would settle for a weekend away with a man who is sleeping most of that weekend! How do you see your future with him waiting until he wakes up? Chasing him to contact you might be all you'll get . Find a man who doesn't flat line on a weekend way?

cinnamongirl123 · 23/04/2025 18:09

Some men chase like mad, then when they win your interest they turn cold

Richiewoo · 23/04/2025 18:14

Don't waste your best years on such a big age gap relationship.

DearDenimEagle · 23/04/2025 21:16

Backtoworktmrw · 22/04/2025 19:25

I haven’t texted him back since I wrote this post last night. He hasn’t bothered chasing me up! So that’s all I needed to know 😊

Sounds as though he hoovered you to see if he could get you back Feed his ego, can still pull you. Isn’t really interested in you but likes to prove to himself he still has control. Sorry..I think you’d be wasting your time even if he does start chasing you again. I’d give him up and never go back. Life is too short and you need to be free to find someone worth spending time with.

Witknit · 23/04/2025 22:07

2old4thisshit · 21/04/2025 20:59

I am 51, dh 60, he’s always been ‘young at heart’. Looks younger than he is, but oh my god, over the last 2 years, he is slowly, but surely turning into Victor Meldrew.

We met when I was very early 20’s, I love him dearly and he’s my everything, but it’s dawned on me that he’s starting to age and there’s a possibility that I could become his carer.

Don’t entertain the age gap of 25 years.

Agree. I'm in same position plus he's developed competitive hypochondria

THEDEACON · 23/04/2025 23:26

Bee there Run!!

Missj25 · 23/04/2025 23:39

OP , when he is 60 you are only 35 ..
It’s a fairly big age gap to be fair ..
long term I don’t know would it end up working out so great ..
I kinda don’t think it would somehow 🤷🏻‍♀️

mrlistersgelfbride · 23/04/2025 23:48

Enjoy your youth, you don't want to be worrying about a partner's health at 30 if you can help it.

I briefly went out with a man who was 45 when I was 27. He was a friend and we got on really well. I thought he'd be amazing from a physical sense and that I'd benefit from his maturity.
This will sound unkind, but he had ED and the age gap soon become obvious and things became boring.

Don't do it OP. The age gap is too big and it's not a situation I'd envisage getting better.

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 24/04/2025 00:28

CuriouslyMinded · 22/04/2025 09:02

I'm sure this can be true, but my DP fathered our exceptionally beautiful little girl at the age of 53. And I know I'm her mother, but people do comment all the time on how gorgeous she is - sometimes I see them look and me and sort of double take, which is charming, and my dad was only 29! 🤣🤣

Ahh that’s really sweet! My DP was no spring chicken either, I was just trying to persuade the OP against this man who doesn’t seem good enough at all.

newfriend05 · 24/04/2025 01:08

At least he’s not got daughters your age which most 55yrs old have .. then would be even worse

TessTimoney · 24/04/2025 11:51

In a previous relationship my partner was diagnosed with high blood pressure and prescribed medication that resulted in erectile dysfunction. He refused to discuss it or seek medical advice and gave no consideration to how this affected me. . I ended the relationship.

Helen483 · 24/04/2025 12:22

Backtoworktmrw · 22/04/2025 19:25

I haven’t texted him back since I wrote this post last night. He hasn’t bothered chasing me up! So that’s all I needed to know 😊

In that case you have dodged a bullet

My advice is to run far and run fast. You don't want to saddle yourself with a man 25 years older than you. How are you going to feel when you're 50 and full of energy and he's 75 and just needs someone to look after him for the rest of his life!

lilkitten · 24/04/2025 12:44

I'm 47 but I've found that dating men my age or older they are not as interested in doing things, and they've talked a lot about retiring and taking things easy. I'm now dating a 29 year old doctor and we get on really well, I'm nowhere near ready to think about slowing down

WilfredsPies · 24/04/2025 13:06

I was in a similar age gap relationship around the same age as you. It was quite brief because I realised that we were at completely different stages in our lives and that the times when it works out are the exceptions rather than the rule.

I suspect that a weekend with you has possibly made him realise this, and that being with someone so much younger is going to bring up problems he hadn’t thought about.

Either way, he’s been really cowardly and disrespectful by not sitting you down and talking about it.

Flopsythebunny · 24/04/2025 17:25

LoafofSellotape · 21/04/2025 23:08

Yes it can. If he's started medication it can make you feel very tired as you adjust to the meds. The meds themselves can make you feel absolutely dire while you get used to them. Don't write him off just yet until you discuss it if you're happy so far.

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There are no high blood pressure medications with those side effects. I suggest you educate yourself

Toooldtocare25 · 24/04/2025 18:08

At 55 he should be chasing you. Sounds like a rude knob head stay clear