In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

The Royal Family are hardly good role models for the way they treat women who marry into the family.

OP should definitely take photos with her child, herself and her own parents. Obviously she will exclude her DH as he is not part of their bloodline.

OP should definitely take photos with her child, herself and her own parents. Obviously she will exclude her DH as he is not part of their bloodline.

I actually think that is pretty common.
My (now adult) ds loves the picture from when he was a baby, when he is with his Dad, his Grandad, and his Great Grandad.

I have a rather lovely photo of all the women in my family a couple of years after my Mum died, with her sister, my cousins, my sister, and all our dds.

I would just move and sit next to my DS. I wouldn't even ask or say anything. It's my child and I want to sit with him. I'm sorry you felt excluded on his birthday, that sounds awful 😥

Another point to note about France is that they have much less of a culture of women being inseparable from their small children.

Most women take four months' maternity leave and then go back to work full time. Most of them bottle feed, at least after the first few months. A French woman is far more likely to leave her young baby for an evening or even a whole weekend and go and do something for herself.

I know many British mothers who have never spent a night away from their five year olds, who wouldn't dream of going back to work, or at least not full time, while their children are still little, who haven't even had a night out since their children were born. In France that would be considered unhealthy. The cultural expectation in France is that a woman with children is still a fully fledged person in her own right and not just the mother to her children.

So I would say they are more likely to assume that you do not want to sit next to your own children at lunch (because you'd like to make interesting adult conversation with someone you don't live with) than assume that you do want to sit next to your children.

It would be rude to just move without saying anything.

This is what I can't get past.

If this were me, I'd enjoy a meal where I wasn't the default parent. I'd enjoy trying to communicate in a language not my own, with people who I didn't see very often, and who are now family. I'd enjoy being the odd, foreign, novelty guest, visiting from afar.

But above all these, it would bring me a deep joy, a quiet contentment, to look across the table, or room, and see my son with his father and grandparents, to see my husband with his son and parents; to witness that three-generation tableaux, enjoying each other, loving each other, in their own language, in their own way. Even writing that, I feel love for them, and happy and privileged to witness and be part of their intimacy and love for each other.

Insisting on muscling into the centre of that, forcing it into my language, and my way of doing things, it changes it, and shatters their closeness in that moment.

There will be other moments which include all of us, and more opportunity for them if we visit often, and if I bother to learn their language.

To me, OP is not coming from a place of love, but from insecurity, and a need to control everything so she is always central. That is not love. It is not loving to try and thwart or diminish the relationship her husband and son and grandparents have with each other, to begrudge them a few special moments together.

Yes I agree with this I’m afraid.

If you want to depart from their layout you need to at least explain/ ask.

I do agree you see a lot of DILs on MN who want exactly this kind of central positioning and if they can’t have it, they perform and tantrum till they get it.

However, in fairness to the op, I did get the impression she just felt a bit left out when it was her son’s birthday and she was placed at a distance from the action,

I feel certain, however, it’s cultural not personal and is in fact intended to be respectful to op as a guest in her own right, not as an appendage of the DH or suckler of the DC.

This. Instead of handwringing , hiding tears, stewing in the quiet, get up and go sit by your child. I can’t believe you meekly sat on the other side from him on his birthday lunch?

I agree, I would not care to explain myself to people who think it’s ok to seat a 2year old away from the parent. Even though his father was there, why exclude the mother?

That's a massive and completely undeserved character assassination of the OP. She has only posted once and nothing that she has said has made her sound controlling. She just sounds really sad that she wasn't really part of her son's birthday celebration. I've never attended a small child's birthday party or celebration where both the child's parents weren't sitting or standing next to the child when the cake is brought out, the candles lit and Happy Birthday (or the equivalent) is sung. To describe her desire to be close to her own child at that moment as her 'muscling' in is really unfair.

To be fair to the op, it’s not always that easy.

I spend quite a bit of time abroad and the whole “ use your words/ noone tells me how it is”” attitude isn’t always esteemed as quite the heroic act it is in the uk at this point in time,

There is an aspect of “ When in Rome…”

I would always ask to move. Don’t people please. They are being odd.

I think it’s fine to ask to move.

I would find it rude to be placed on the other end of the table. So moving would be my natural response. If someone said something I would just say "aw we always eat together as a family I want to sit with him especially on his birthday". As a mother of a toddler I would very much expect someone to ask for seating arrangements before assuming being honest. My DS can be a nightmare at mealtimes and responds better to me or DP managing that behaviour.

Was it his birthday lunch? Or lunch that happened to be on his birthday?

Thanks for the mostly constructive comments.

1. To clarify for those telling me "I should speak French by now" and "learn French" - I have been learning French for five years since meeting my DH. However, I still struggle to keep up with conversations as it's often a lot of people talking quickly, over each other, and using more slang words. We don't speak French at home, so I am only really immersed in it on these visits and, therefore, still struggle greatly with the language barrier.

1. I think it's a good POV that they might be trying to give me a break. I think this would have been more clear to me they also moved my husband away for a break. It seems like the most obvious answer. Although not sure why DH did not just say this when I initially raised the issue. I think it's likely to be part of the reason, and maybe also partly so they can be in as close proximity to him and DH as possible whilst we visit.

I would have been quite happy for the break and for dad to deal with dinner, but if you'd rather sit next to your child definitely swap with your DH next time.

I honestly can't believe what you've written here.

The last paragraph is bordering on unhinged.

I posted this to get some unbiased views as to whether I am being sensitive, and instead you have ripped into me personally. Truly toxic.

Thanks that's interesting and potentially what could be the reason, too.

Thanks that's interesting and potentially what could be the reason, too

Thanks for your reply.

I'm getting a lot of people saying I should have just moved or told them I want to sit there.

I think I've always found it a bit annoying, but not worth bringing up because I'm happy to share him and if they want to be close to him then that's fine, it's why we visit! I love my in laws and we have a great time together.

It's just that I feel a bit shafted every mealtime, and I don't understand why I am seated so separately. In my culture, I am used to parents sitting with their children. Not just the dad with the mum at the other end and side of the table. And this felt extra isolating for his birthday lunch.

Someone asked if our relationship is good otherwise. And it is. So I will just chalk this up to a cultural difference and work on not just improving my French language, but my French directness, i.e. telling what I want!

I’ve been trying to imagine whether this would have upset me when my son (now aged 22) was a toddler and its occurred to me that it’s just not something that ever could have happened. Nobody cared about my son enough to want to look after him in my stead/sit next to him at meal times while I sat further away. My son was adorable, but all bar one of his grandparents were dead and his aunts and uncles had small children of their own - who were far more important to them. I get that you’re upset, but you’re also really lucky that your son is surrounded by so much love.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I am lucky and have decided I'm overthinking it.

The habit to put him away from me is probably to give me a break, and they didn't think any different for his birthday.

So do I, and I am not.