In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

This pope upheld the banning of ordaining women, among other gross teachings. I'm not mourning his passing. I think it's the perfect day to call out the Catholic religion for what it is - misogyny personified.

I didn't insult you tbf @ThisFluentBiscuit after all isn't ignorance bliss?

I do agree with @Stravaig though, this thread is absolutely not the place to debate your prejudices.

edited for spelling 🙈

BC France is a deeply Catholic country, which is why it's much more sexist and behind than the UK. If they're devout Catholics, it would explain why they're prone to treating her like a spare part.

I am prejudiced against anything that's anti-choice and anti-women.

My in-laws are also French so I can completely relate on the hour(s) long meal times. I’ve been around them for over a decade. I honestly find that being quite blunt (not rude, just firm) about your wants is the best approach. I will just say “actually I’m going to sit here” or “no thank you, this is what we’ll do” etc. My in-laws aren’t hugely formal but other members of DH family are so I can imagine that with place settings etc it feels harder and more awkward to make a fuss but — make the fuss. Or not even fuss because it’s just you stating your desire and especially where children are involved, you get to sit with your child. Don’t let someone else dictate things. And worst comes to worst, if they ever seem to be offended by your bluntness, feign the “lost in translation” thing with a tinkly laugh and do you. Xx

Ok, start your own thread then @ThisFluentBiscuit

If you have no other issue with your in laws, then I wouldn't take it as an attack against you.
It could very well be that they think they're giving you a break so you can enjoy your meal. The same way children would often be sat together at one end of the table if there are a few of them.

Your husband should be helping you out if you have an issue with this though.

Irrelevant what rhe intention is from the in-laws. You have the right to sit next to your child at every occasion you decide.

Either swap with DH or move your child next to you. Definitely. I feel for you.

This is my thinking.

If my in-laws made the assumption that my dh was perfectly capable of looking after his son, I'd think 'fair enough'.
If my in-laws sat me away from my child, I'd think 'great' - I am going to get to eat my food uninterrupted.

What an odd thing to get upset by.
YABU.

Is it something to do with hierarchy within the family and the next in line males sit as close to the top of the table as possible, with wives who aren't in the grandfather -father-son bloodline towards the bottom?
Where, for example, does your mother-in-law sit?

Birthday meal aside, I'd consider that a win and enjoy eating in peace while letting my husband try to stop the kid kicking off from boredom.

Third to last - beside the dog, who is beside op😆
A French poster up the thread has clarified what we all suspected. It’s nothing sinister.

As a guest, surely she should be treated with kindness and respect? If they don't do this, they are very poor hosts.

What, if it happened every time without fail, including on his birthday? It being permanent is what makes it an insult.

I live in France and you're talking absolute nonsense.

My ex MiL would do stuff like this in order that I wouldn’t be in family pics. At SiL’s wedding she managed to get someone to call me away for long enough that I wasn’t in any family photos, only the ones with all the guests.
That, or as pp have said, they’re trying to give OP a break.

If she wants to sit next to her son on his birthday then there is absolutely nothing stopping her from saying so.

If she hasn't said so then they have no idea that this is what she wants.

I don't think this is extreme in the slightest. At a child's birthday party you'd expect his parents to be front and centre especially at such a young age. I think you've been slightly unreasonable not to leave your seat to get closer for that if that's where you felt you should be.

I think your dh needs to step up here and swap with you and if they say anything it can be shut down easily with "we normally take it in turns". If the idea is to give you a break and to promote integration into the family by positioning you where you'll actually be able to relax and chat as a woman instead of being on mummy duty then that's positive. Dh could easily solve this.

I also think that learning French (or continuing to work at it if you already are -obviously these things take time) will work in your favour. Is it possible they are trying to "immerse" you to boost your French skills by surrounding you with people who will be talking in French whereas when baby is beside you it could be easier to focus on them and opt out of the convo a bit more?

💯 this, MIL always ensured I had my food in peace.

I wonder if Kate Middleton kicked up fuss when they did those photos - HM the Queen, Prince Charles, William and George. Just them - direct bloodline. I doubt she was whingeing 'why am I not in the picture'. People respect their bloodlines even if they are not royal - his parents+he+their grandson - is the equivalent of that Windsor picture, I don't see what the problem is? She can take all the pictures with ds+dh+herself+her own parents if she wishes at any time, can she not?

I adored sitting next to my little grandchildren.
I expect they love to be with him and think you have plenty of opportunities.

:-) not suggesting anything sinister at all. I've been at family meals with various partners / friends and sometimes it really does feel like a Jane Austenesque seating plan is at play!

You clearly know nothing about France.

And sound quite miserable. You should get a new hobby.

All the other meals I'd have been happy to let DH do it and eat in peace.
The birthday one is different though I'd have just asked DH to swap.

He should ask you if you want to swap at the time, if he has the manners. It's not all on you feeling uncomfortable in a strange place, he has a responsibility to support you.