In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

Well the message is clear...
You are a vessel and not real family.

Yanbu about the situation but Yabu not to say or do anything anything.

On the basis they give Zero fucks about you I'd do whatever I wanted including sitting directly next to my child. Make myour DH Swap seats or just tell MIL to seat you next to your child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gatherings in my family are seen as a chance to give the mums of small children a break when possible - even as a teen I was expected to sit and help with the littles so the mums could eat a nice meal with both hands and visit with other adults in peace for once. And people who don't get daily time with the littles are happy to take a turn.

But if a mum wanted to sit by their child they'd just say so. Your husband has already offered to swap your spot and no one has done anything to discourage it. But you've chosen to decline that option, not say anything, and then assume the worst possible motivations from your in-laws? YABU for that part.

Bizarrely paranoid and quite malicious take.

This may be their motivation ! Just swap or ask next time. Or offer to lay the table

I do not understand why you cannot just say, "I want to sit beside my child"? Its a dinner at your in-laws, not a state visit.

"Hi, I'm going to sit next to my son today."

Sit in your seat next to your son. Smile.

Have husband move place card.

And time to learn French.

I wonder if they are doing it to give you a break? Just swap with your husband if you'd like to sit next to him.

You are not being unreasonable. It does seem deliberate for them to seat you as far away from your child as possible and it must have been particularly upsetting during your child's birthday celebration lunch. You and your DH should both have been seated next to your child, or at least directly opposite.

It does sound very formal with named place settings and I can see why you are reluctant to ask to change the place settings around to let you sit next to your son but your DH should be speaking to his parents about this, particularly if there is a language barrier.

Why did you not ask your husband to take a photo of you and DS with the birthday cake, or asked a family member to take a photo of you, DH and DS with the cake. You can't really complain if you're not going to be assertive.

If you are married to someone french, I think it only reasonable that you have a reasonable handle on the language. This surely puts you on the back foot? Is your son being brought up bi-lingual? Could they be trying to give you a break perhaps if you get on with them in every other respect.

Be more French and speak up.
Ask your husband how to say ‘No, this doesn’t work for me, DH and I will swap’.

I read a book about french parenting - bringing up bebe or something similar and they often sit kids at their own table away from parents as they think they get on better/eat without acting up to the parents watching everything. Obv i don’t know the set up but if there are no other young kids, then a kids table is not needed but they may feel kids eat better away from the mums? (who kids tend to act up more towards than dads in my experience 😆) Not that they should be doing that without explaining but there could be a
cultural element to it, though obv they are still placing next to a parent so perhaps not 🤷‍♀️ Is your DH involved with feeding/meals as much as you are?

Our dil would love us for ever if we did this.

Ask your husband to sort it out if its upsetting you. It could be that they are trying to give you a rest!

You've accepted this for 2 years? Why?
Use your words, take your DHs place, plonk yourself where you want to sit, move your son next to you, so many options!
Learn enough of the language to make your wishes clear, or show them by your actions and leave it to your DH to explain.

Ridiculous. Op has been told that she can swap, she's chosen not to, why?

Maybe they don't want to be sexist and presume you will be the one caring for your dc? They put your dh there to do the work, he said you could swap if you wanted.

It's hard sometimes to guess what would be right, and if you don't communicate that you prefer something they will carry on doing what they always have, thinking you are OK with it. FWIW, the culture of 'giving the mum a break' when visiting the gps is fairly common in much of France.

Def move seats, wtf! This isn't cultural it's deliberately separating you from your child and DH, so you're ostracised.

The world seems to be filled with AHs at the moment!

I would assume they're doing it to give you a break as it's a PITA being the parent who's sat with toddler - constant demands to cut up food, wipe up stuff they've dropped etc. A bit off to do it on his birthday but I think you just need to assert yourself if you want to sit with him. I'd be more pissed off if they consistently put me next to DS and DH somewhere else so he got grown up conversation and I got "mummy mummy mummy" ad infinitum every time.

This!

My parents would do this so that I could have a break and eat my food in peace. In contrast, my in-laws would always put me next to my DC so I could look after them during mealtimes. Which would annoy me, - as why wouldn’t they expect DH to do this, as he is as much a parent as me. So, this situation wouldn’t bother me at all, unless there is some back story of your ILs trying to keep you and your DS apart?

it’s a bit different on a birthday though. Of course you’d like to be in the photos with him. I think if it does bother you, and your DH thinks it won’t be an issue, I’d just do as pp says and breezily swap place names/napkins. But you could also try and enjoy your child free meal, as I imagine it’s you looking after your DS at mealtimes the majority of the time?

Maybe they are giving you a break? Also, can you husband share the pictures he took from his seat?

Wouldn't he like to sit beside his child too?

If you don't get why op is crying, try re reading the post, she explains it very well, even if you don't agree, its still explained in the post for you to understand! Op wants to be sat next to her child, it was the childs bday and as the mum shes sat far enough that she doesn't feel part of the celebrations. In the past shes tried to just sit where shes placed in order to be a good sport . Shes crying because that's an action that humans do when they are upset. Do you get it now ?😒

I think the point is that the OP won't be in them with her dc