Page 11 | In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

charcharsydney · 2025-04-21T16:55:35+00:00

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL. It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though. It's always ^slightly^ annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide. However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive. I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression. So, AIBU??

Laura95167 · 22/04/2025 18:16

Tbh it might be that as they don't see him as much they want to be near him when he visits. And as you've not said anything they think you're happy someone else is entertaining him and you get a hot meal while they feed, fuss and generally entertain him.

But as your husband says if its a problem, swap places. Sounds more like a misunderstanding atm so clear it up

DrSK2 · 22/04/2025 18:17

What is holding you off from asking or saying what you want? You can say in English and surely they will get it. Be confident and firm and do not show hesitation. You will see confidence works wonders.

Hadjab · 22/04/2025 18:38

Stravaig · 21/04/2025 21:30

This is what I can't get past.

If this were me, I'd enjoy a meal where I wasn't the default parent. I'd enjoy trying to communicate in a language not my own, with people who I didn't see very often, and who are now family. I'd enjoy being the odd, foreign, novelty guest, visiting from afar.

But above all these, it would bring me a deep joy, a quiet contentment, to look across the table, or room, and see my son with his father and grandparents, to see my husband with his son and parents; to witness that three-generation tableaux, enjoying each other, loving each other, in their own language, in their own way. Even writing that, I feel love for them, and happy and privileged to witness and be part of their intimacy and love for each other.

Insisting on muscling into the centre of that, forcing it into my language, and my way of doing things, it changes it, and shatters their closeness in that moment.

There will be other moments which include all of us, and more opportunity for them if we visit often, and if I bother to learn their language.

To me, OP is not coming from a place of love, but from insecurity, and a need to control everything so she is always central. That is not love. It is not loving to try and thwart or diminish the relationship her husband and son and grandparents have with each other, to begrudge them a few special moments together.

Edited

🙄

MrsChumleyWarner · 22/04/2025 18:43

My ex-inlaws did this, my kids are older teens now and I am divorced so don't have to sit at a table with them anymore, My ex MIL liked to take over my role whilst at their house. I've never really thought about it till seeing your post. Ex, his Mum, my kids at one end of the table, Me and other relatives at the other. No idea about the French influences by inlaws are English and do the same.

laraitopbanana · 22/04/2025 18:43

Yeah…it isn’t a culture thing…it is an in-law thing.

next time, exchange with your husband. Don’t ask him just sit in his place and wait for him to « just change place »…to be closer to you.

honestly, that is nasty…not next to your child and hubby????pouah!

Namechangean · 22/04/2025 19:31

I actually think the likeliness is that they want to move you away so that they can have quality time with their son and grandson. They may want to be able to be the one to help him eat and entertain him and know if you’re next to him you will do everything and they may not feel able to react the way they would if it’s just your husband.

But I think that it’s a bit icky that they are sending you down the other side of the table to do that. I would just move, especially on special events. Or move your son from now on to where ever you’re sitting. I Imagine they would stop separating you then as they will want your son near them.

croydon15 · 22/04/2025 19:36

aloris · 22/04/2025 02:04

My only piece of advice would be, stop having your children's birthdays with your in-laws. They sidelined you at your own child's birthday. They excluded you on your own child's birthday by speaking so fast that you were unable to participate fully in the celebration for your own child. That is not ok. As long as you keep letting them be in charge of your children's celebrations, you will keep being vulnerable to this sort of behavior.

What a lot of nonsense, they are not speaking fast so that OP can't understand the conversation they no doubt speaking normally but when it's a foreign language it always seems that they are speaking fast as you can't quite get the gist of everything which is being said.

Shotokan101 · 22/04/2025 19:41

Maybe just speak to them, and your husband about it being a problem for you?

Puzzleboard · 22/04/2025 19:53

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I would feel exactly the same, however I would have moved myself without even asking anyone to be next to him in your situation. But that’s just how I am as a person, and appreciate not everyone is. I always sit next to both my kids when we’re having group meals and would have thought it’s totally normal. My kids would also want to be next to me.

I second the comment about the French culture being very different though, and parenting and motherhood being much more centred around the mother rather than the child. So probably this family would assume you wouldn’t be bothered by this setup vs it being anything malicious. It must be tricky especially with the language barrier.

Also m it’s bloody hard to learn a new language as an adult, let alone when you’re a parent! You’ve got enough on your plate and I’m sure doing your best

Nikki75 · 22/04/2025 19:59

Are your in-laws maybe giving you some space to enjoy your meal socialise without thinking you may not want this .
I understand the birthday feelings it seems as though they're wanting him to themselves without your input maybe .. be as forthright as they are and insist I'm his mummy and I'll sit next to my child x

Lovehascomeandgone · 22/04/2025 20:11

Honestly OP I wouldn’t tolerate that, just swap name tags and go sit next to your child. Screw that, life’s too short.

CarpetKnees · 22/04/2025 20:15

But I think that it’s a bit icky that they are sending you down the other side of the table to do that.

"Sending you down the other side of the table". !?!
It is literally a table.

She isn't been sat the other side of a school dinner hall, or down the street somewhere. Everyone is in the same room, at the same table.

SarahsHoneydew · 22/04/2025 20:40

Very odd behaviour from them and also your husband for not saying anything to them but I can’t get my head around why you didn’t say something especially for a special Birthday lunch. You need to speak up or it will keep happening

FartfulCodger · 22/04/2025 20:49

Stravaig · 21/04/2025 21:30

This is what I can't get past.

If this were me, I'd enjoy a meal where I wasn't the default parent. I'd enjoy trying to communicate in a language not my own, with people who I didn't see very often, and who are now family. I'd enjoy being the odd, foreign, novelty guest, visiting from afar.

But above all these, it would bring me a deep joy, a quiet contentment, to look across the table, or room, and see my son with his father and grandparents, to see my husband with his son and parents; to witness that three-generation tableaux, enjoying each other, loving each other, in their own language, in their own way. Even writing that, I feel love for them, and happy and privileged to witness and be part of their intimacy and love for each other.

Insisting on muscling into the centre of that, forcing it into my language, and my way of doing things, it changes it, and shatters their closeness in that moment.

There will be other moments which include all of us, and more opportunity for them if we visit often, and if I bother to learn their language.

To me, OP is not coming from a place of love, but from insecurity, and a need to control everything so she is always central. That is not love. It is not loving to try and thwart or diminish the relationship her husband and son and grandparents have with each other, to begrudge them a few special moments together.

Edited

Is this for real?

Original poster

charcharsydney · 22/04/2025 21:10

Puzzleboard · 22/04/2025 19:53

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I would feel exactly the same, however I would have moved myself without even asking anyone to be next to him in your situation. But that’s just how I am as a person, and appreciate not everyone is. I always sit next to both my kids when we’re having group meals and would have thought it’s totally normal. My kids would also want to be next to me.

I second the comment about the French culture being very different though, and parenting and motherhood being much more centred around the mother rather than the child. So probably this family would assume you wouldn’t be bothered by this setup vs it being anything malicious. It must be tricky especially with the language barrier.

Also m it’s bloody hard to learn a new language as an adult, let alone when you’re a parent! You’ve got enough on your plate and I’m sure doing your best

Thanks for this. It is bloody hard learning a new language. And extra difficult now I work full time whilst being the primary carer.

Can't believe how many comments are having a go about me not speaking French and "imposing English" on my in laws.

As per my previous comment, I have been learning and taking lessons for five years! I am trying, but it's very difficult when I don't speak it in everyday life, so naturally there is a language barrier.

OP posts:

MillieMinx · 22/04/2025 21:25

Sorry InLaws but I will be sitting next to MY son at the table. I’m not having this nonsense of being separated from him every time we visit. Thanks I knew you’d understand

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 21:32

charcharsydney · 22/04/2025 21:10

Thanks for this. It is bloody hard learning a new language. And extra difficult now I work full time whilst being the primary carer.

Can't believe how many comments are having a go about me not speaking French and "imposing English" on my in laws.

As per my previous comment, I have been learning and taking lessons for five years! I am trying, but it's very difficult when I don't speak it in everyday life, so naturally there is a language barrier.

Show quote history

They’re being so unreasonable OP. I did A Level French, got an A, still wouldn’t have been able to follow along with most conversations at a dinner party. It’s not easy!

Puzzleboard · 22/04/2025 21:40

charcharsydney · 22/04/2025 21:10

Thanks for this. It is bloody hard learning a new language. And extra difficult now I work full time whilst being the primary carer.

Can't believe how many comments are having a go about me not speaking French and "imposing English" on my in laws.

As per my previous comment, I have been learning and taking lessons for five years! I am trying, but it's very difficult when I don't speak it in everyday life, so naturally there is a language barrier.

Show quote history

Yes it’s almost impossible!! I also tried to learn a new language while living in another country for 10 months, and I was childless and also immersed within native speakers 100% of the time. It was incredibly hard and I came away still not speaking much, as I wasn’t practising it daily on my return to the UK. So I would imagine it’s almost impossible for you. What a joke to think you would even have the time to focus on such a thing. Also -there is learning a language and then there is learning all of the local dialect and slang, as you pointed out: that’s like a whole other language in & of itself.

Ignore the antagonising posts. Some people are just on here to stir things up.

I really hope you can come to a place where you’re more comfortable with the whlle situation when you go out to stay with his family. I would definitely try asserting yourself more strongly and confidently when you’re around them. And just saying you will be sitting here next to your son, thank you. And leave it there.

Angelil · 22/04/2025 21:41

OP, is your husband speaking French to your son all.the.time when at home in England? If not, he should be. Your son will not become bilingual otherwise and your French will not improve either. I speak also as a Brit married to a Frenchman; we also do not live in France (we did, for 9 years, but before having our children) but are raising our children (age 6 and 2) bilingually (meaning he never speaks English to them ever) and I speak the language too (but given that we’ve been together 20 years and married for 14 of those I acknowledge that I have a head start on you).

Having known my in-laws for a considerable time, and had many years to become familiar with French culture, I agree with others that you need to call a spade a spade.

to help with that…
Are you actually learning French, weekly, with a teacher? It is the only way without living in France. Duolingo and occasional contact with in-laws won’t cut it.
I say this having learnt French (and subsequently become French myself, via marriage - which you can also do once your language skills are good enough, even from abroad), and, after that, Dutch (we live in the Netherlands now and despite neither of us being Dutch I have made considerable efforts to learn the language over the past 8 years and have now passed official state exams proving it). It can be done but you need formal, regular input from an experienced teacher.

Original poster

charcharsydney · 22/04/2025 22:35

Angelil · 22/04/2025 21:41

OP, is your husband speaking French to your son all.the.time when at home in England? If not, he should be. Your son will not become bilingual otherwise and your French will not improve either. I speak also as a Brit married to a Frenchman; we also do not live in France (we did, for 9 years, but before having our children) but are raising our children (age 6 and 2) bilingually (meaning he never speaks English to them ever) and I speak the language too (but given that we’ve been together 20 years and married for 14 of those I acknowledge that I have a head start on you).

Having known my in-laws for a considerable time, and had many years to become familiar with French culture, I agree with others that you need to call a spade a spade.

to help with that…
Are you actually learning French, weekly, with a teacher? It is the only way without living in France. Duolingo and occasional contact with in-laws won’t cut it.
I say this having learnt French (and subsequently become French myself, via marriage - which you can also do once your language skills are good enough, even from abroad), and, after that, Dutch (we live in the Netherlands now and despite neither of us being Dutch I have made considerable efforts to learn the language over the past 8 years and have now passed official state exams proving it). It can be done but you need formal, regular input from an experienced teacher.

Yes husband only speaks French to him and I speak simple French and English to him. He doesn't say much yet but his vocab seems to be 50/50 which is encouraging.

I do private lessons online although not at the cadence I should. It's had to make time for "leisure" activities. I do duolingo and watch French movies with french subs. I need to get into podcasts too.

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 22/04/2025 22:54

laraitopbanana · 22/04/2025 18:43

Yeah…it isn’t a culture thing…it is an in-law thing.

next time, exchange with your husband. Don’t ask him just sit in his place and wait for him to « just change place »…to be closer to you.

honestly, that is nasty…not next to your child and hubby????pouah!

I’m not saying I don’t understand why op wants to sit with her Dc, but if it’s a reasonably formal meal - and clearly it is if they have place names - it isn’t actually usual for spouses to sit together.

Yolo12345 · 22/04/2025 23:00

Girl, you need to advocate for yourself - as the French would say “il faut râler!”

Christwosheds · 23/04/2025 00:14

Laura95167 · 22/04/2025 18:16

Tbh it might be that as they don't see him as much they want to be near him when he visits. And as you've not said anything they think you're happy someone else is entertaining him and you get a hot meal while they feed, fuss and generally entertain him.

But as your husband says if its a problem, swap places. Sounds more like a misunderstanding atm so clear it up

I agree with this. It doesn’t sound like a micro-aggression , it sounds as though they are enjoying your little boy and assume they are being kind letting you have lunch undisturbed. Re the birthday though, I don’t understand why your DH didn’t say that you would want to be next to your son for that, it’s easier for him to sort it out in a relaxed way as they are his parents.

Original poster

charcharsydney · 23/04/2025 00:17

OpenDoorMuriel · 21/04/2025 19:04

I’d have been really upset by this too OP. I’m British and my husband’s family is not; they did similar things with me when my DC was small and I found it very upsetting. Also I would be the one who had to deal with the fallout later of a hungry (for example) DC if they hadn’t eaten enough but noone near was paying attention. BUT in their culture sharing childcare together is a gift. I didn’t know this. I felt pushed out and I wasn’t established enough with the wider family to see it as a nice break. My ILs didn’t know my British family only helped in emergencies and saw childcare as a chore - I therefore didn’t understand my ILs approach. I also have a history of being ‘pushed out’ so I felt very sensitive to this.

My DH didn’t really understand why I was upset at first (nor did I, really) but once he got it, he helped facilitate me being included in the family, and not being separated from DC.

In time, I have come to adore my ILs, they taught my so much about family, sharing and generosity. I’ve worked to get to know the family better too, so now it’s not a problem and it is a break. they’re so helpful to me and I’m glad that a small misunderstanding was nipped in the bud.

I've only just seen this comment @OpenDoorMuriel and it has hit very close to home! Thank you for sharing, I feel like I am in an almost identical situation. ❤️

OP posts:

1SillySossij · 23/04/2025 00:19

Why do you need to be sitting next to him if he's next to his dad?
Smother mother?