In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

Take the night off love

What a boomer reply 🙄

Hello OP,

I won't comment on your issue as lots of people have already given you various insights and I don't think I have anything new to say. But as a parent of bilingual children, my advice is to not mix languages. If you speak english to your son, then speak english to him - nothing wrong with that. Mixing the two can be confusing for him as he will struggle to understand which language is which. That's the advice I was given with my kids and it works.
If you live in the UK your husband has to be consistent and only speak french to him. I used to tell my kids I didn't speak spanish (I'm actually fluent but I wanted them to only speak to me in French). When I'm reading to them I translate it so that even if the book is in spanish or english, I'm reading in French.

So long as you are both extremely consistent with the language thing, your son will speak both fluently.

Beyond that I don't think your inlaws mean anything by this - especially as you say you get along well. They probably miss their son and want to build a connexion to their grandson, and probably figure you won't mind getting a break.
Another reason might be that they're seating you next to people who are comfortable speaking english ?
If you want to sit next to your son, say so - I don't think they'll be offended, at most they'll be a bit puzzled.

Ps - my SIL has been with my brother for over five years and still doesn't speak french. My brother isn't fluent in her language either. They speak english together and it's perfectly fine.

Perhaps your in laws think that they are giving you a break, and a chance to enjoy your meal, while your DH is sat with your son to manage him?

You cried because you sat slightly away from your child (but at the same table) for one meal? That's very odd.

I would be managing all special occasions for my son going forward if I were you, given they have tried to exclude you from
his birthday party. No. More birthday parties managed by the in-laws. Have them at your home.

@SlagPit the op clearly states:-

“When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him.”

It’s not a one off!

They didn't try and exclude her! She was there at the same table.

Sitting on the other side of the table is not a way to "exclude" someone.

I honestly don’t get it. He’s sat next to your husband.
Don’t you want to just eat your meal sometimes? Your husband is allowed to parent too. At a table of 11 you’re not really that far.

It’s not that. It’s more like a French obsession with babies and young children needing to learn independence from their mothers so that their mothers can carry on other aspects of their lives. It can feel bizarre and frankly, cruel when you’re not used to it. Like, discussing how independent your 6month old baby is feels farcical. Many French people don’t understand breastfeeding beyond the first month or two, they think nursery is important for socialization very early on (like for babies and toddlers, not just preschoolers). Once you get your head around the concept it has it’s positives - you learn to ignore the opinions you don’t agree with and also take advantage of the good parts - like feeling no guilt or judgement when you want to leave your baby or toddler with someone else to go out and do something just for you, or the highly subsidized childcare options when you need to work.

OP is there more flex in the seating plan as the meal goes on? So between courses do people get up and help remove plates/ go outside for a cigarette and a chat/ offer to get more drinks etc. You might find no one bats an eyelid if you and your husband swap seats before dessert for example. Or if you put your son on your knee after a bathroom break. I think you can be more assertive about photos too. Once the in-laws have taken the photos they want, give your phone to someone and ask/tell (il faut juste demander!) them to take one of you and your son or you and your husband and your son.

Not sure this is a helpful remark.
My French FIL genuinely speaks no English whatsoever.
My French MIL and SIL do but have not spoken a word of English to me in the 20 years that I have known them. My MIL once spoke some English to my sister (having tried French first and failed to convey her message), which I overheard from an adjoining room, and I nearly fell off my chair in shock.

Yes, this.
When learning a foreign language you need to practice key words/phrases in your head in advance of the interaction. AI can give you whole phrases on your phone now if you can’t construct it yourself.

BTW the whole Catholicism discussion is irrelevant. Most Frenchies are areligious/lapsed now, despite whatever their family traditions /backgrounds might be.

If it was formal then young kids wouldn’t be there at all at the table and the parents go in and out or one of them is staying with.

yes, spouses don’t sit next to each other but opposite but not « one end and the other end ». In any case, in a formal meal, the attention is on the needs of the guests which in-laws are failing here.

so…I am inclined to think it is just how the in-laws are wanting it and if so…then she is perfectly allowed to just exchange with her hubby as she see fits. Her hubby then will have to either challenge the situation or do what was planned for his wife and see if he likes it. If he doesn’t want then it is worse…he is perfectly aware of what happens and let it because he can say it is his parents not him 😒

Yeah it was rude; but this is ageist. Why insult an entire generation because one person was rude to you?

I guess you can excuse other occasions. But your own son’s birthday meal? You’re not unreasonable at all. I think it’s odd. Are people choosing to ignore this bit?

I dont see why it was more important for mum to sit with the child than the husband but i also dont see why she couldnt use her voice. If this happens every time then why not say to MIL that you understand that this is how her culture would arrange a formal dinner but as it is his birthday you would really like to having him sitting between his parents.

If she says no, then you say that you will do your own birthday dinner. And if she says yes but doesnt then use your words and ask people to swop.

I think it's possible they are trying to be kind - and also trying to encourage your child to speak in French as becoming truly bilingual is challenging. I would have loved the opportunity to not deal with a toddler for a long, leisurely meal - sounds delightful. But if you want to sit next to your child, just tell your husband you'll take turns and sit at each other's places.

I 'love' the idea of these meals by the way - place cards! Courses! It all sounds delightful and much nicer without a child right next to me ;-)

I was really, really bad at letting go and letting my inlaws do anything (we are immigrants so don't see our families very often) and I wish - looking back - that I'd just taken advantage of the breaks and enjoyed them more. I spent way too much time hovering around and burned myself out pretty badly as I never got a break from any of it.

How is that comment insulting an entire generation? She is a 61 year old woman who has decided to be rude rather than constructive, and should have just scrolled on. My mother is that age and I would be mortified if I found out this is what she did in her spare time - but she's a nice person so would never do that.

Yes, people are either actively choosing to ignore that, or they are trying to paint me as a hysterical mum who must be attached to my son 24/7.

Using straw man arguments so they can be nasty and feel a sense of superiority.

Never mind the fact that my son has been in nursery full time from 6 months of age and has spent weekends and even a week with his grandparents alone and neither of us had an issue.

All I wanted was some perspective on is whether I was being unreasonable to feel hurt and, I guess a little excluded, by being sat away every mealtime (incl his birthday lunch). Most people have left constructive and interesting perspectives and I now have a new perspective on how I feel. So thank you to those people.

Thanks for your reply. Your point that I should only speak English is very interesting and I didn't know that.

My intention was to foster more French at home (as he goes to nursery full time and speaks English there).

But actually, your suggestion makes complete sense - if I am speaking both languages then he might end up thinking they are a single language and get totally confused! (As well as a picking up a << fort accent >> !)

Oh on this - I have a number of friends raising bilingual children and they all do 1 language / 1 parent. The challenge is that one parent can be left out of conversations as the children become more fluent than they do, but hopefully your French will continue to improve and being exposed to it more often at home will only help.

Apart from outing yourself as discriminatory, i'm not a boomer. You are codependent on your kid. It isn't healthy for either of you. Why do you need to be next to your child every meal. You shouldn't be jealous when your husband bonds with your child( very slightly) away from you for the duration of a meal.