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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

318 replies

charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 17:55

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

OP posts:
Deixcheveaux · 21/04/2025 23:22

@charcharsydneyif you don’t see your in-laws very often it might be they want to integrate with your family so they get a chance to interact with & develop their own relationships with their GC. If they’re older or hard of hearing often my DM would say she never really spoke to her DGC at family meal gatherings because she wasn’t sitting next ot close to them & couldn’t hear properly over all the noise. Obvs your DC is younger but I don’t think it’s to deliberately cast you out or usurp your position. I think GP’s are just delighted to spend any time with their DGC & are seating then so they can interact with them & enjoy their company while also teaching /modelling table skills that sound more formal (with place names) than your own. They may just enjoy this being a sense of an occasion & seating people. I think of you said you wanted to sit closer to your DC it wouldn’t be a problem.

CarpetKnees · 21/04/2025 23:41

Stravaig · 21/04/2025 21:30

This is what I can't get past.

If this were me, I'd enjoy a meal where I wasn't the default parent. I'd enjoy trying to communicate in a language not my own, with people who I didn't see very often, and who are now family. I'd enjoy being the odd, foreign, novelty guest, visiting from afar.

But above all these, it would bring me a deep joy, a quiet contentment, to look across the table, or room, and see my son with his father and grandparents, to see my husband with his son and parents; to witness that three-generation tableaux, enjoying each other, loving each other, in their own language, in their own way. Even writing that, I feel love for them, and happy and privileged to witness and be part of their intimacy and love for each other.

Insisting on muscling into the centre of that, forcing it into my language, and my way of doing things, it changes it, and shatters their closeness in that moment.

There will be other moments which include all of us, and more opportunity for them if we visit often, and if I bother to learn their language.

To me, OP is not coming from a place of love, but from insecurity, and a need to control everything so she is always central. That is not love. It is not loving to try and thwart or diminish the relationship her husband and son and grandparents have with each other, to begrudge them a few special moments together.

Edited

I agree with so much of this.

Not sure why people are talking about "sitting separately" ?
The extended family were all sitting together.
I am lucky enough to have an extendable table I can comfortably get 10 people round, and have never felt I am "sitting separately" from anyone else at the table. Everyone is at the same table.
I know from watching my own family grow, it is nice to sit back and watch your dc interact with their grandparents or other extended family, and watch that relationship grow.

Original poster
charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 23:42

CarpetKnees · 21/04/2025 23:41

I agree with so much of this.

Not sure why people are talking about "sitting separately" ?
The extended family were all sitting together.
I am lucky enough to have an extendable table I can comfortably get 10 people round, and have never felt I am "sitting separately" from anyone else at the table. Everyone is at the same table.
I know from watching my own family grow, it is nice to sit back and watch your dc interact with their grandparents or other extended family, and watch that relationship grow.

Show quote history

You agree with a straw man argument?

OP posts:
LostInTheColonies · 22/04/2025 00:01

Maybe read up on French seating plans - hosts at the centre, then a complicated system of hierarchy moving out from there. It’d be normal to have young kids towards the ends, with to older kids/minor adults keeping an eye on them.

beetr00 · 22/04/2025 01:01

LostInTheColonies · 22/04/2025 00:01

Maybe read up on French seating plans - hosts at the centre, then a complicated system of hierarchy moving out from there. It’d be normal to have young kids towards the ends, with to older kids/minor adults keeping an eye on them.

that is interesting @LostInTheColonies

and here I thought we were in the 21st century 😉

savethatkitty · 22/04/2025 01:04

Just move. It's a dinner. Use your voice.

aloris · 22/04/2025 02:04

My only piece of advice would be, stop having your children's birthdays with your in-laws. They sidelined you at your own child's birthday. They excluded you on your own child's birthday by speaking so fast that you were unable to participate fully in the celebration for your own child. That is not ok. As long as you keep letting them be in charge of your children's celebrations, you will keep being vulnerable to this sort of behavior.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 05:21

ThisFluentBiscuit · 21/04/2025 23:16

So do I, and I am not.

Show quote history

Given that your other thread indicates that you have a real problem with all things Catholic (to the point where you will turn completely unrelated conversations into an anti Catholic rant) perhaps you should move?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 05:24

aloris · 22/04/2025 02:04

My only piece of advice would be, stop having your children's birthdays with your in-laws. They sidelined you at your own child's birthday. They excluded you on your own child's birthday by speaking so fast that you were unable to participate fully in the celebration for your own child. That is not ok. As long as you keep letting them be in charge of your children's celebrations, you will keep being vulnerable to this sort of behavior.

Responses like this are so extreme and sad.

Really, what should she do? Deprive the whole family of happy family occasions and sow conflict between her husband and his parents? Or use her voice and say she wants to sit next to her child next time?

Obviously the former. 🙄

Treblechef · 22/04/2025 07:49

Stravaig · 21/04/2025 21:30

This is what I can't get past.

If this were me, I'd enjoy a meal where I wasn't the default parent. I'd enjoy trying to communicate in a language not my own, with people who I didn't see very often, and who are now family. I'd enjoy being the odd, foreign, novelty guest, visiting from afar.

But above all these, it would bring me a deep joy, a quiet contentment, to look across the table, or room, and see my son with his father and grandparents, to see my husband with his son and parents; to witness that three-generation tableaux, enjoying each other, loving each other, in their own language, in their own way. Even writing that, I feel love for them, and happy and privileged to witness and be part of their intimacy and love for each other.

Insisting on muscling into the centre of that, forcing it into my language, and my way of doing things, it changes it, and shatters their closeness in that moment.

There will be other moments which include all of us, and more opportunity for them if we visit often, and if I bother to learn their language.

To me, OP is not coming from a place of love, but from insecurity, and a need to control everything so she is always central. That is not love. It is not loving to try and thwart or diminish the relationship her husband and son and grandparents have with each other, to begrudge them a few special moments together.

Edited

Did it make you feel good writing such a smug and nasty comment?

BIossomtoes · 22/04/2025 09:56

Treblechef · 22/04/2025 07:49

Did it make you feel good writing such a smug and nasty comment?

Show quote history

It’s not nasty and smug, it’s generous and loving.

RhiWrites · 22/04/2025 10:01

I chose YABU because you haven’t said to them you’d like to sit near the child.

I also think you should be practicing French at home. It’s a tough language but your husband ought to be able to help you.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2025 10:44

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 05:24

Responses like this are so extreme and sad.

Really, what should she do? Deprive the whole family of happy family occasions and sow conflict between her husband and his parents? Or use her voice and say she wants to sit next to her child next time?

Obviously the former. 🙄

Show quote history

But she could host it herself - and organise the place -settings.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 10:45

Calliopespa · 22/04/2025 10:44

But she could host it herself - and organise the place -settings.

Show quote history

Host it herself? When they are abroad visiting her in laws?

Calliopespa · 22/04/2025 10:48

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 10:45

Host it herself? When they are abroad visiting her in laws?

Show quote history

She could invite them to travel. Why on earth not? But in any case, you can host a party abroad: I’ve done it.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/04/2025 10:52

Calliopespa · 22/04/2025 10:48

She could invite them to travel. Why on earth not? But in any case, you can host a party abroad: I’ve done it.

Show quote history

Such extreme overreactions to such a non issue.

All she has to do is say she would like to sit next to her son.

This is the most bonkers thread I've seen in quite a while.

When your child has two cultures and family in more than one country, it's really important to promote a close relationship with the family who live in the other country and make an effort to include them in your celebrations.

Chunkychips23 · 22/04/2025 11:02

My MIL does this - arrives first at the restaurant, puts the highchair next to her and FIL the otherside. Then demands my husband sits close to her and me as far away as possible. This is until food arrives and she wants to eat in peace or DC starts having a meltdown and then he’s moved back next to me again.

I’m fully aware it’s a micro-aggression and she’s making clear that they’re her family and her territory. I just leave her to it now. I enjoy the peace of being able to eat without having to wrestle a fork/salt shaker/glass off my young toddler 😂

I also won’t schedule just a family thing for DC’s birthday on his actual day as I know full well she’ll try and shove me out of the picture.

If your DH has offered to switch, take him up on it. Or just move the name card. Doesn’t have to be a drama, it can be done quietly and calmly.

LostInTheColonies · 22/04/2025 12:02

beetr00 · 22/04/2025 01:01

that is interesting @LostInTheColonies

and here I thought we were in the 21st century 😉

Show quote history

😁 it’s a thing … and if the OP doesn’t speak French/ want to integrate then it’s reasonable to assume that this may also have passed her by. And the complicated seating could just be based on the descending ages of adult children…
And of course she gets to eat undisturbed 😁

Sharptonguedwoman · 22/04/2025 17:59

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

This! Someone else looking after the toddler- OP, just enjoy your lunch.

Ilovecleaning · 22/04/2025 18:03

charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 22:52

I honestly can't believe what you've written here.

The last paragraph is bordering on unhinged.

I posted this to get some unbiased views as to whether I am being sensitive, and instead you have ripped into me personally. Truly toxic.

Show quote history

I can’t believe it either OP. What a load of bollocks. Ignore it.

Glasgowgal200 · 22/04/2025 18:04

Is it maybe a French/continental thing?

Ilovecleaning · 22/04/2025 18:06

ThisFluentBiscuit · 21/04/2025 23:16

So do I, and I am not.

Show quote history

These exchanges are hilarious! 🤣

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 22/04/2025 18:06

Good lord, they're your family even if they do sound as though they're royal 🤣

Just move next to your child next time, I can't believe you and your DH have never said anything in the past.

CanelliniBeans · 22/04/2025 18:08

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 21/04/2025 18:07

Is it possible they’re doing it to give you a break?

Yes I wondered if it was this

cardboardvillage · 22/04/2025 18:15

Definitely move. Swap napkins before eveyone sits down