In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

We do OPOL (one parent one language) here, and I agree with this.

MLAH (minority language at home) can work, but only when both parents speak the minority language fluently.

Your son needs high quality language input from both his parents. If your DH speaks French to him 100% of the time and he's also getting regular contact with his French extended family, that's great.

He doesn't need to hear less than perfect French from you, he needs to hear your native speaker level English.

If you think his French is lagging behind (which it most likely will in the next couple of years at least) try and find other French speaking families with children who speak French, or even French classes for bilingual children.

Putting my now 4 year old son in English classes with other bilingual children has been a game changer for us because he has realised that English isn't just a language only Mummy speaks.

We’re another OPOL family (French from dad, English from me). Dutch is currently the community language so the children get that outside the home. It’s not easy: languages swap places all the time (our eldest didn’t speak French until he was 4 but understood everything; he’s now fully bilingual at 6) and it’s a long game to play but you’ve got to stick with it and be consistent.

You may not be a boomer but you were really rude to the OP. She isn't jealous about her husband bonding with their child. It was specifically about the meal arranged as a birthday celebration for her son where she was placed much too far away to join in when the birthday cake was brought out. Any normal mother would be disappointed to be excluded from the lighting and blowing out of the candles and the taking of photos with the birthday boy.

How can she be co-dependent on her child when she has said that her child has attended full-time nursery from six months old and has spent weekends with grandparents without OP being there? You are just making up stuff to have a go at the OP.

Please don’t use “boomer” in this way. An entire generation don’t have a hive mind. It was a really unkind response that you responded to, but many of the kind responses you’ve had will have been from “boomer” aged women. The women who helped and supported me when I had small children in a new place with no family around, were all “boomers”.
It’s ageist and unfair.

YANBU to find it weird

YABU for doing nothing about it except crying

I have seen a previous post where you gave your precise age 🧐 - sorry to break it to you, but it's within boomer boundaries. Why do you find it offensive to be called a boomer?

Your comment was rude, and my observation from the replies on this thread (my first foray into Mumsnet BTW) is that there is a high correlation between women of a certain age and those who can't give a constructive, neutral take on my question.

Having said that, there have been many kind and helpful comments from women with grown children as well. And those comments have been among those that resonated the most with me.

Have the day you deserve 👋

The thing about 2 year old birthday parties, is, it’s kind of the first time they are aware that it’s all about them. Sing happy birthday to a one year old and they’re generally all like, WTF??

2 is different. Their little faces light up and it’s the Best Thing Ever. It’s a milestone. I do think it’s odd that mum was sat down the other end of a biggish gathering.

Because this, OP.
I have less sympathy for you with every post you make.

Probably because she doesn’t want to be « that dil ». Just because you don’t see any issue for you doesn’t mean it wouldn’t for others…empathy not?

and how the other children?

I know a kid which flat refused to speak the school language and pretended to not be able to for one whole year 😂😂

Our 2yo is a bit young yet but seems to be doing well in all 3 of his languages (he has lots of words in English, French and Dutch, including some 2-3 word sentences).

Why do you find it offensive to be called a boomer?

Quite possibly because you meant it to be offensive when you applied it. It’s always offensive when applied to an individual but of course you know this.

Ok op,

I started out with some sympathy for you on this thread, but, having seen how perfectly ready you are to speak out on your views on this thread, I am beginning to suspect your post was more just a whinge and slagging off of your ILs . Your tongue seems to be in good nick for speaking out, so just speak to them instead of hand wringing on here.

You are not being unreasonable wanting to sit next to your son on his birthday. You are however being unreasonable as you are not standing up for yourself. People only get away with what you allow them to. Your in-laws sound awful.

Don't know about any another men _dad's outthere but personally i would know that my wife's place is next to my child lighting the candles and even helping kid blowing out 🕯 if needed because she will be that candle and light that will never go out for the rest off his life after giving him life and me the best gift she's ever going to bestow upon me, trust me the seat she wants is not just the for the birthday day it's going to be the seating arrangement so deserved for the childs lifetime simple 💖

🤮

It's also because your English will be perfect but not your French - I read a bit about it when I had my own kids and they reckon that it's more beneficial for kids to hear grammatically correct language from both parents even if that means they hear less of the second language.
Also I wanted to say - if you're at the level of being able to watch a film with French subtitles, you're doing fine, and that's a great way to improve your listening. When I was at your level I took a C1 class and it was really not much cop at all as it was all about analysing texts and reading between the lines and stuff, very academic. I asked a friend about this who teaches French to adults and she said that's usually how it is at that level.

Do you think they could be doing this in a considerate way to give you a break at meal times? I would bloody love it!