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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

318 replies

charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 17:55

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

OP posts:
Cucy · 21/04/2025 19:05

Zanatdy · 21/04/2025 18:13

Apart from a birthday, i’d be happy to eat a meal in peace and leave my DH and in-laws to it. Maybe MIL’s motivation is to give you a break.

I agree.

They of course want to sit near him and their own child and so I wouldn’t think anything malicious of it.

You see him every day and so I’m not sure why you’d be so upset over one meal.

I assume you think they don’t like you anyway which is why you’re taking this to heart but honestly I think you should let it go.
Yes he is your son but it’s ok to not be right next to him a few meal times and let them enjoy his company instead.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/04/2025 19:09

Omg what a blessing. Enjoy your meal in peace! I would.

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:12

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:01

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

But don’t move the napkin rings yourself!! Not your house. Just ask.

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:12

@charcharsydney

"It's not a "sit where ever you want"

ofc it is, shift yer bum 😎

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/04/2025 19:12

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

Exactly this! I’d be worshipping at their feet for giving me a night off😂

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/04/2025 19:13

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:01

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

Great intel!

Blueblell · 21/04/2025 19:14

I would have been quite happy to sit away from mine at that age but being forced to is slightly different. If they are in France I am presuming the lunches are not regular, if it is occasional lunches and they don’t see him that often I would let it go. However, I would have wanted to be in the birthday Pic.

Totot · 21/04/2025 19:15

Both our families do this to give us a bit of a break. Personally I love it. They don’t see one set that often, so I love for them to be able to spend time with them whilst I catch up on adult conversation. At our child’s second birthday we had both sets of grandparents there and they all sat together leaving us free to speak to brothers and sisters and enjoy a few glasses of wine!

Horses7 · 21/04/2025 19:15

Assert yourself and move places - it’s not on and you can do something about it.

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:15

@NicolaCasanova

"This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity"

Cos we are more human when we're not seated next to our children?

Trendyname · 21/04/2025 19:17

YANBU. Your in laws see him as their family but not you. Pretty mean of them to do this. My grandparents used to do this t omy mum, my mother started taking it out on me and as a result we don't have a great relationship. Not saying you would do the same.

Maybe it would be better that you don't take your child to in-laws on his next birthday.

Delatron · 21/04/2025 19:17

Gosh I would have loved this - I mean I guess you’re with him, looking after him the rest of the time? What a lovely break.

I’m sure that’s why they’re doing it. To be kind. If you can’t bear to be apart from him for more than a few minutes then say something rather than be all teary and silent.

theemmadilemma · 21/04/2025 19:17

DH is French. No children though. I can see this being fairly normal though. Also great to immerse your son in the language and his French culture while he’s there.

TonTonMacoute · 21/04/2025 19:18

I went to so many social occasions when I was just ignored, and left to deal with infant DS on my own while everyone else had a jolly time, I agree with PPs on this, it sounds bliss tbh.

Surely you could have moved, and gone to nearer him when they brought the cake out? Don't be so wet!

Allthegoodhorses · 21/04/2025 19:18

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/04/2025 18:15

Well the message is clear...
You are a vessel and not real family.

Yanbu about the situation but Yabu not to say or do anything anything.

On the basis they give Zero fucks about you I'd do whatever I wanted including sitting directly next to my child. Make myour DH Swap seats or just tell MIL to seat you next to your child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow, this is quite a reach! MN is bonkers sometimes

brettsalanger · 21/04/2025 19:19

Are you sure they are not just being kind? My sil always sits away from her toddler to enjoy a meal in peace when she comes over for dinner !

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:19

Hwi · 21/04/2025 18:40

This is childish behaviour on your part and very strange - you have your ds with you all the time - how often do his grandparents see him? They want to be next to their son and their grandson whom they don't (I presume) see all year round. Do you begrudge them that?

It was her child's birthday celebration. She has more right to be sat near her child on his birthday than her in-laws do.

Greywarden · 21/04/2025 19:20

YANBU for wanting to sit next to your DS. You are however being unreasonable to be so passive about this when it upsets you.

I can see that it can be awkward being a guest and that you might be worried about causing offence, and I take your point that the language barrier makes this harder. I can understand being blindsided and confused and not asserting yourself in the situation once or twice. But this situation seems to have happened a few times. You are married to DH. You are a mother. You are entitled to consideration and respect for your reasonable preferences. Please try to find your voice, because if you allow yourself to be (deliberately or not) sidelined like this at other times and this becomes your pattern, this will not be a good thing for you or your son.

I say this as someone who is pretty low in self-esteem and unassertive by nature; as someone who tends to assume I'm being the silly one or the ridiculous one in most situations. It is possible to become more assertive and to do it in a polite way.

And I'm sorry you didn't get to sit next to your son for his birthday!

2Magpies24 · 21/04/2025 19:21

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

Yeah good point, maybe they’re trying to give you a break and some breathing space to chat to others. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for feeling this way but I’d also be very relieved!

Trendyname · 21/04/2025 19:21

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:01

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

Apron strings? Op's child is only 2.
Why would french assume they know better about teaching manners to a 2 year old than his own mother?
Do French think they still colonise the world?

CurlewKate · 21/04/2025 19:21

Why are they doing this, do you know? Can’t you enjoy being able enjoy your meal unprodded? My MIL always used to whisk all the children away to a children’s table with her. It was bliss!

beetr00 · 21/04/2025 19:22

2Magpies24 · 21/04/2025 19:21

Yeah good point, maybe they’re trying to give you a break and some breathing space to chat to others. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for feeling this way but I’d also be very relieved!

Show quote history

breathing space? from your own children? FGS

EmmaOvary · 21/04/2025 19:23

Half French here, have spent many lunches and dinners with family in France, including at my grandfather’s house, where things were more ‘formal’, but I have never heard of place settings at a family meal! Have they been watching too much Downton Abbey?!

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 19:23

It's fairly obvious that OP finds her in-laws overwhelming and intimidating en masse, particularly with the language barrier and her DH is brushing off her concerns. He could have quietly asked his mum to seat OP near her child on his birthday but he didn't.

NicolaCasanova · 21/04/2025 19:25

EmmaOvary · 21/04/2025 19:23

Half French here, have spent many lunches and dinners with family in France, including at my grandfather’s house, where things were more ‘formal’, but I have never heard of place settings at a family meal! Have they been watching too much Downton Abbey?!

We always have place settings at meals, at home, at relatives’, at friends’, for every meal. And we’re not vieille France !