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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

318 replies

charcharsydney · 21/04/2025 17:55

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/04/2025 18:31

I’d have loved to have been seated away from a toddler Ds to eat my dinner whilst it’s hot and chat.

When the cake came out you could have got up and walked down to where he was and stood with him.

Your DH has said swap. You’ve chosen to allow this to be a problem because you refuse to speak up and out or take the reasonable suggestion to change it that’s been offered.

MrsSunshine2b · 21/04/2025 18:34

Do you think maybe they are thinking that, like most Mums of toddlers, you rarely or never get a chance to eat a hot meal without being climbed on or having to cut up someone else's food, and are just trying to give you a bit of a break? I know when my DD was that age I was very happy for a grandparent or DH to sit next to her so I could eat my meal in peace!

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:36

MellowCritic · 21/04/2025 18:30

If you don't get why op is crying, try re reading the post, she explains it very well, even if you don't agree, its still explained in the post for you to understand! Op wants to be sat next to her child, it was the childs bday and as the mum shes sat far enough that she doesn't feel part of the celebrations. In the past shes tried to just sit where shes placed in order to be a good sport . Shes crying because that's an action that humans do when they are upset. Do you get it now ?😒

Show quote history

Nope. She's not in a different room, or a different table. She's right there, in the middle of the celebrations. If it's so so sad she's not glued to him that she's crying, why did she not move? It's makes no sense whatsoever.

Humans do not generally cry when then are a few extra inches away from their child when they could have easily have chosen to sit next to them, but didn't.

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:36

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2025 18:30

I think the point is that the OP won't be in them with her dc

Show quote history

It would have taken about nine seconds to move into a picture.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 18:37

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

I was going to say this too oP. I can understand I might have not liked being seated away either but is it at all possible it’s intended to give you a reprieve?

Who do they put you with?

GanninHyem · 21/04/2025 18:37

Learn to advocate for yourself and your child or you'll always feel like this. If you didn't feel confident enough to swap during the lunch then perfect time to do something was during cake and photos, you weren't glued to the chair. End of the day you and your son are losing out by your meekness

MzHz · 21/04/2025 18:38

They’re being PA with the seating, be PA back and swap your place with someone else so you’re with h and dc.

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:39

MzHz · 21/04/2025 18:38

They’re being PA with the seating, be PA back and swap your place with someone else so you’re with h and dc.

Or they're not. Weird of you to assume.

Hwi · 21/04/2025 18:40

This is childish behaviour on your part and very strange - you have your ds with you all the time - how often do his grandparents see him? They want to be next to their son and their grandson whom they don't (I presume) see all year round. Do you begrudge them that?

Ihopeyouhavent · 21/04/2025 18:41

Enjoy the break!!

Whoarethoseguys · 21/04/2025 18:41

I don't think it's micro aggressiion but eating in many french households can be very formal and perhaps they think it's polite to organise it just way. I think you should just ask your husband to mention it to his parents if you do not feel you can.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 18:41

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/04/2025 18:25

Maybe they don't want to be sexist and presume you will be the one caring for your dc? They put your dh there to do the work, he said you could swap if you wanted.

It's hard sometimes to guess what would be right, and if you don't communicate that you prefer something they will carry on doing what they always have, thinking you are OK with it. FWIW, the culture of 'giving the mum a break' when visiting the gps is fairly common in much of France.

Well said Lady Catherine!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 18:42

You get to eat your meal in peace. Result!

Aworldofmyown · 21/04/2025 18:42

It's your child, if you want to sit next them just move.

BlueMum16 · 21/04/2025 18:45

I'd personally swap you son to be next to you. Who is next to you - put them next to DH or IL

stripedrollerskates · 21/04/2025 18:46

Kindly, stop being such a wet blanket. If you don’t want the break they’re giving you, just swap seats with your DH.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 18:47

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 21/04/2025 18:23

You've accepted this for 2 years? Why?
Use your words, take your DHs place, plonk yourself where you want to sit, move your son next to you, so many options!
Learn enough of the language to make your wishes clear, or show them by your actions and leave it to your DH to explain.

Well it won’t be two years. The Dc only just turned two and will hardly have had a place setting as a newborn.

It’s early days op and they might just be discovering how you like to operate. I suspect it’s intended to make you feel they treat you like a guest, not a babysitter. But I would have preferred to sit with my toddler too.

MellowCritic · 21/04/2025 18:48

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:36

Nope. She's not in a different room, or a different table. She's right there, in the middle of the celebrations. If it's so so sad she's not glued to him that she's crying, why did she not move? It's makes no sense whatsoever.

Humans do not generally cry when then are a few extra inches away from their child when they could have easily have chosen to sit next to them, but didn't.

Show quote history

You have completely misrepresented the post. Crying is not always a reflection of how bad or good a situation is. Whereas I completely agree with other posters who said op should just speak up, that doesn't mean we can't understand where op is coming from, even if we don't think the issue is crying worthy. No one needs permission to have a good cry, it might even have helped op see the issue isn't as bad as she thought.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 18:48

Out of interest, how are they the rest of the time?

And did they get a photo of you with Dc and the cake?

momtoboys · 21/04/2025 18:48

ragandbonewoman · 21/04/2025 18:03

Yanbu but bloody hell I’d have loved this. It was always me sat next to DS, cutting his food up, wiping his snotty nose, entertaining him
and getting up to get him another drink while DH got to eat his food while it was still hot and enjoyed the time socialising with the other adults. Be careful what you wish for!

I'm with @ragandbonewoman

BlueSpikeyPearls · 21/04/2025 18:49

To all the posters saying "Use your words or the like". There is a language barrier. The in-laws and the husband may be French, but OP is not and they do not live in France. Learning the language would be useful, but it takes many years to become fluent enough to stand up for yourself and to understand all the nuances of passive aggressive communication. In the mean time OP would still have to put up with this nonsense, unless she is prepared to be rude and physically mark her space. It may need to come to that, but it certainly won´t improve the relationship with the in-laws the mean time, or with her husband.

To all the posters saying that the in-laws are "trying to give her a break", I would agree, were it nor for the fact that they seat her not just "away", but as far away from her son as the table will allow. This does not send the message that it's for her benefit, but rather that they find her a nuisance to be tolerated since she is the child's mom. This forum is full of examples of women being treated as mere vessels for grandchildren, but are clearly not liked, respected or welcome in the family. Not included her in the photos is another red flag.

Finally, why is the husband not stepping in to intervene? They are his blood relatives, he knows it upsets OP and he is fluent in French. He could have remedied the situation, especially around the birthday cake and the photos to make sure OP was included, but he couldn't be bothered. Which says a lot about him too.

Clafoutie · 21/04/2025 18:50

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 21/04/2025 18:07

Is it possible they’re doing it to give you a break?

That was my thought.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 18:50

Solution 2: teach Dc always to throw food when he’s with his Dad! 🤣

socks1107 · 21/04/2025 18:51

I’d swap with your dh and keep doing it till they get the point. I think they are doing it deliberately so they get their son and his son to themselves but at your upset so it’s unacceptable

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 18:51

BlueSpikeyPearls · 21/04/2025 18:49

To all the posters saying "Use your words or the like". There is a language barrier. The in-laws and the husband may be French, but OP is not and they do not live in France. Learning the language would be useful, but it takes many years to become fluent enough to stand up for yourself and to understand all the nuances of passive aggressive communication. In the mean time OP would still have to put up with this nonsense, unless she is prepared to be rude and physically mark her space. It may need to come to that, but it certainly won´t improve the relationship with the in-laws the mean time, or with her husband.

To all the posters saying that the in-laws are "trying to give her a break", I would agree, were it nor for the fact that they seat her not just "away", but as far away from her son as the table will allow. This does not send the message that it's for her benefit, but rather that they find her a nuisance to be tolerated since she is the child's mom. This forum is full of examples of women being treated as mere vessels for grandchildren, but are clearly not liked, respected or welcome in the family. Not included her in the photos is another red flag.

Finally, why is the husband not stepping in to intervene? They are his blood relatives, he knows it upsets OP and he is fluent in French. He could have remedied the situation, especially around the birthday cake and the photos to make sure OP was included, but he couldn't be bothered. Which says a lot about him too.

Edited

Balls. OP presumably has no language barrier with her husband, who has told her they can easily swap.places.
Job done, nothing to see here.

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