In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

I do think she is being rather too passive. Every birthday for my DC I am in all the 'cake photos' as I was bringing the cake out. Did she not want to bring the cake out or didn't feel she could for some reason? Could she just not get up and stand behind DS's chair as everyone sung happy birthday?

she's overwhelmed and intimidated that her in-laws seat her away from her child?

does she not speak french? musta missed that wee snippet

eta; and obvious to others, ooh la vache

Yes I don't get at all. You're at the table, can see him, it's only on holidays. Honestly, what's the issue? I can equally imagine someone complaining that the in laws always sit her next to her son and let the dh relax.

With eleven people round the table, OP was seated on the opposite side of the table from her child, at the far end of the table so she wasn't able to speak to him, hold his hand, kiss him or have a photo with him at his birthday celebration. She is his mum and she should have been sitting next to him or directly opposite.

Surely if you want to be next to your son for cake cutting you just get up and go and stand beside your husband for the short period. I do wonder if Dads are less involved sometimes because they are treated as less important and not capable of looking after their child.

Ahh, OP.

My in laws are French too, and mealtimes are very like this. I get it.

But it is totally fine to use your words and say you want to sit next to your DS.

If this happened almost every single time, permanently, I would be really annoyed, and I'd be steaming over the birthday. YANBU. But French society is very sexist and way behind the UK, thanks to it being a Catholic country, so it doesn't surprise me. Are your ILs Catholic? Women are third-class citizens as far as the Catholic church is concerned.

Such a helpful post!!

@ThisFluentBiscuit

"Are your ILs Catholic?"

OMG, did you actually just say this? 🙈🙈

I’d be thrilled 😳😅😬 and I agree that it sounds like they’re doing it to give you a break…but if you’re not happy then swap with your husband…

This sounds like an amazing arrangement tbh. The in-laws and hubby watching the 2 year old while I eat in peace. How often do you get to eat in peace at home?!

OP has said that there are language and cultural barriers.

don't her in-laws speak English then? 😉😆

Why? His parents are at the same table. The other people at the table are family. If he's not bothered surely his parents can sit and enjoy their dinner

But she could have moved - for the whole meal if she wanted or just for the cake she could have either brought the cake in or stood behind her DS's chair at cake time.

This is interesting, I have the exact opposite problem! Every time we are at DHs family it’s a very similar situation with seating - table plans for every meal etc and my DH is placed at the opposite end of the table and I’m always with my two little ones, I barely get to eat as I’m helping cut food/wipe faces/mop up spills and there’s no chance of being part of the conversation. Even if he tries to swap it becomes an issue. I know it’s upsetting, but equally enjoy a hot meal!

Talk to them.

In the kindest way possible : Stop being a doormat and sit next to your child ! It’s YOUR child ! Learning to stand up for yourself and your children is a must OP . Change the name holder and demand it or grab your child and go away from the meal

It's natural that DH's family want to immerse themselves in their grandson on a visit. You are with him all the time.

It sounds like they are treating you with respect as a person in your own right, and trying to give you a break from constant Mummy demands. Be glad of the chance to have an uninterrupted adult meal, and focus on getting to know DH's side of the family while practising your French.

I think this is your personal challenge. You feel out of place, so want to cling to DS as a bit of a blankie; but that's not fair to him, or his paternal family, or good for you.

Lucky DS growing up bilingual, and comfortable in two cultures, and with more pleasing manners than are typical in UK/US!

It is very odd and seems strange not to sit you and DH together too but could it be well intentioned e.g. they think they’re giving you a break?

My in laws used to do this - very strange. After the first time, I would always sit in my husbands seat. They stopped doing it pretty soon.

It’s a weird way of putting the mum of the child in her place- almost relegating her to the role of baby incubator so they can enjoy baby with their precious son without a non blood relative getting in the way.

@Stravaig

""more pleasing manners than are typical in UK/US!"

language teaches better manners? interesting

How come you don't speak enough French yet to be able to communicate the basics? It's presumably been at least 2y9m since you knew you were going to be the mum of someone half french. Have you signed up for lessons? Asked DP to help you practice?

Je m'assoirai à côté de mon enfant. Je veux être sur les photos avec lui en ce jour spécial.

She is a GUEST - she has no rights in that house.

Why not? Catholicism must be the most sexist major religion in the world, with its insistence on women bearing children whether they want to or not, refusing to ordain women, and teaching that here is no divorce and that second marriages are adultery. So that's just lovely for women who are escaping abusive spouses. The church's teachings can affect its believers deeply, even if lapsed or left the church altogether. Many Catholics are very sexist, as you would be if you believed all that. It deserves to be called out, as does the sexist culture it creates.