In-laws always seat me away from my child at dining table

[charcharsydney]

I have a two-year-old son. When we visit my In-laws (who are French and live in France), every lunch and dinner (which are full hour long meals) I am seated away from him. Like, other side of the table and down from him (not opposite). My husband will be placed next to him, as well as one of the In-laws, usually my FIL or a SIL.

It's not a "sit where ever you want" situation. There are napkin holders with our names on them, and the in-laws will specifically pick where people sit so there is definitely some kind of thought process behind the seating arrangements. NFI what that is though.

It's always slightly annoyed me and when I raised it with my husband he brushed it off and told me I can just move places if I want. I have never done so as, with the language and cultural barriers, it seemed easier to let it slide.

However, my son turned two yesterday and there was a family lunch. There were 11 of us and AGAIN I was sat opposite side, towards the other end of the table. I didn't realise how upset it made me until the cake came out and everyone was taking photos and videos and singing to him and and I wasn't there next to him. I got very teary and brushed it off as being emotional for his birthday, but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I'm just being super sensitive.

I don't have any issues with my in laws but it just feels like a micro aggression.

So, AIBU??

YANBU OP, but I don't know why you haven't just moved the place names, especially for a birthday meal. Do it next time (and every time, if necessary) and don't give it another thought.

My mother used to do this. She made sure that my DD was always right next to her. Now, my situation is likely different from yours in that I never spoke up because she has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and I basically couldn't bear her wrath. Tried speaking up to my father, but he lives his life tiptoing around her and never standing up for the smallest thing. No help.

All this to say that I finally realized when DD was eight that my mother had hijacked countless special moments and holidays and that I'd been too scared to speak up in the moment. Given my situation, I had to cut all contact with my mother in order to reclaim my own chance at motherhood (and my mental health). I too was left out of so many special photos and to this day the number of photos with my mother and DD (especially on DD's birthday, Christmas, etc) outnumbers the ones of me with DD by about fifty-fold. Maybe more.

You can't take these moments back, OP. This was your son's birthday. Don't let another special day be on someone else's terms. It may be their house, but it's your child. If your MIL is a nice person then simply say that you'd like to sit next to your child from now on. You shouldn't have to say more than that, and if you do, then you have a bigger problem.

If your son's birthday was just yesterday, I'd go out and get a cupcake and make a special smaller family event today and make sure that you are in the video when you sing to him. Take back the memories. I wish I had.

I have not, I've just pointed out how little sense it made.

To be honest this would have been nice for me, enjoying some time without looking after anybody! I used to find it a bit annoying that I was always dealing with the children while their dad was just eating and chatting. But not on his birthday, I would have wanted to sit next to him for that.

I really couldn’t hold my tongue and I’d be saying I’m sitting here, (next to my baby) no discussion.
I wouldn’t be rude unless they were but I’d be adamant!

let them deal with your dc
enjoy your meal in peace

Perhaps your mil is trying to give you a break and make his father supervise the meal!

on his birthday you definitely should have been next to him op

Definitely ask to swap but make sure you are interacting with everyone and not just pandering to your child (this doesn’t go down well in France)

If your husband is next to him, what is the issue?

Sooo this 😂😂

Balls to her husband then! Letting the whole family celebrate with him and his son, making a fuss over them and not even including the OP in the photos, while OP gets to watch from a distance like she doesn't even matter to them, which she clearly doesn't

I used to be an au pair in France. Children were expected to sit at the dining table and learn how to eat and appreciate food and drink and talk and participate from an early age. Many French people still take food and the communal dining experience seriously. Perhaps they are trying to give him a taste of that and immerse him in their culture? Perhaps, like many children, he behaves better when there are people he doesn't know so well around him. I would try to regard this as a positive thing. An ability to speak French and to behave in a civilised fashion at table is a great grounding for any child.

Why on earth would you tolerate that.
How genuinely bizarre.
You pick your child up and you sit beside him.
You use your words.

OP said there were language and cultural barriers - they’re French. Different culture. Why would you jump to racial differences?

She's not at a distance! She's right there at the table.
The drama is ridiculous..... y'all are acting as if they put her in the garden and locked the door.

What rot.

I wouldn't call it a microaggression, but it's odd and unnecessary. I'd take your DH at his word and just start asserting your right to sit where you damn well please. Your child is young and still needs his mother. Obviously you want to be seated near him on his birthday. It's understandable that some of the other family want to spend time with him when they can, but that doesn't mean you should be seated far away. Time at the table isn't their only chance to interact with him.

No, YANBU. But nobody else is going to sort this for you and the situation isn’t going to change. So either you tell your husband that he needs to ensure you’re sat next to your child, or you get over your discomfort with making things awkward (because this is what they’re relying on) and speak up. Your upset could very easily have been avoided if you had said “it’s my son’s birthday, I’d like to sit next to him”.

I am French. Annoying that your DH hasn’t bothered to explain this to you. This is very typical seating in a French family as it recognises your humanity i.e. your right to eat and talk to people as you, not as Mum of x, and also recognises your son’s humanity as he is not tied by the apron strings and as part of his education in manners can practise how to behave at the table by himself. Traditionally a nurse would feed him but nowadays it’s just assumed that any compétent adult can look after a child in their family/close friend circle for the duration of a meal and it that this certainly wouldn’t fall to the child’s mother by default. It is really normal that you are not sat beside him in the seating plan. However if you want to, it’s also fine to ask your MIL to change the plan.

Maybe it's more about giving the inlaws a rare chance to enjoy sitting next to DC - it's a treat, a real novelty - rather than about excluding you OP? They probably don't see them often? Just a thought. ( I had foreign nationality inlaws).

Did you miss the part where it is 11 people and OP was all the way at the other end of the table? Where they celebrated the son's birthday with OP as far away as politeness would allow? Where OP wasn't even in the photos?

You would be okay with being treated like that?

I’d have been really upset by this too OP. I’m British and my husband’s family is not; they did similar things with me when my DC was small and I found it very upsetting. Also I would be the one who had to deal with the fallout later of a hungry (for example) DC if they hadn’t eaten enough but noone near was paying attention. BUT in their culture sharing childcare together is a gift. I didn’t know this. I felt pushed out and I wasn’t established enough with the wider family to see it as a nice break. My ILs didn’t know my British family only helped in emergencies and saw childcare as a chore - I therefore didn’t understand my ILs approach. I also have a history of being ‘pushed out’ so I felt very sensitive to this.

My DH didn’t really understand why I was upset at first (nor did I, really) but once he got it, he helped facilitate me being included in the family, and not being separated from DC.

In time, I have come to adore my ILs, they taught my so much about family, sharing and generosity. I’ve worked to get to know the family better too, so now it’s not a problem and it is a break. they’re so helpful to me and I’m glad that a small misunderstanding was nipped in the bud.

YANBU. I wonder if your in-laws do it to ‘give you a break’?

But the birthday thing is weird and I can see why you were upset. I think you should sit next to your son when you want to.

“Dave/Daphne, I’d really like to sit next to Bobby at dinner this evening so I’ve swapped the name tags around. Assume that’s no problem - let me pour you a drink”

Baffles me why people can’t just have a simple conversation.

I don’t know them or how likely this is, but the thought process could be that they were trying to give you a break or some misguided attempt to ensure dad is doing his part?