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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Money

152 replies

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 12:56

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 21/04/2025 13:00

So for family holidays me and DP (not DD's dad) just go halves on spending money for food/drinks/trips etc. I give DD a holiday allowance so she can buy the tat she sees. If me or DP saw an item of clothing or bag etc that we wanted we would just use our own money for that.

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:06

Hayley1256 · 21/04/2025 13:00

So for family holidays me and DP (not DD's dad) just go halves on spending money for food/drinks/trips etc. I give DD a holiday allowance so she can buy the tat she sees. If me or DP saw an item of clothing or bag etc that we wanted we would just use our own money for that.

Thank you for replying! Yes DS will have holiday money from family so this will just be a food budget really. DH is DS dad but I don’t expect him to pay equally for him as he does earn a little less and does save us money on clubs as he does pick up and drop off 2 days a week.

Would it bother you if your DPs meal and drinks came to much more than yours and DD’s every meal or would you just be fine with them having whatever. (Genuine question - We are probably not in a great place in our relationship right not so I find him increasingly selfish and annoying but that could just be me!)

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 21/04/2025 13:11

You don’t sound like much of a family if you don’t want everyone to share and enjoy what they can. As long as you are protecting your financial security, I don’t think there’s any need to be tight on holiday.

If a man asked this question on here he’d be roasted and told he was being financially abusive and controlling because both partners are supposed to have access to family finances and equal spending money, especially when one does more childcare.

Mandylovescandy · 21/04/2025 13:12

We earn the same so go 50/50 (though I do have some extra expenses that he doesn't) but yes mine would buy more expensive food, often have a drink etc and generally likes to enjoy himself/his money more whereas I am more frugal. It works out ok as he usually gets his own drinks and is ok to not go out sometimes when I feel I/we can't afford it

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 13:19

Hmm. My DH used to earn tons more than me when the DC were tiny and he paid for holidays and meals out although we tended to self cater five days. If he had questioned my menu choices when my input to the family unit equalled his because I did the childcare, all child related stuff and all domestic related stuff, I think I'd have thrown the menu at him and would have left him to it.

YABVVU.

nomas · 21/04/2025 13:20

Let him fund himself.

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 13:21

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:06

Thank you for replying! Yes DS will have holiday money from family so this will just be a food budget really. DH is DS dad but I don’t expect him to pay equally for him as he does earn a little less and does save us money on clubs as he does pick up and drop off 2 days a week.

Would it bother you if your DPs meal and drinks came to much more than yours and DD’s every meal or would you just be fine with them having whatever. (Genuine question - We are probably not in a great place in our relationship right not so I find him increasingly selfish and annoying but that could just be me!)

Show quote history

I wouldn’t even notice that DHs food/drink always came to more than ours (in fact it does, because he’s bigger and therefore eats more, and I don’t drink), unless I already resented him. Which it sounds like you do.
How would this work in reality? Would you split the bill at the table and you pay for you and DS and him pay for himself? Sounds like a massive ballache.
It sounds like you have bigger issues and this is the tip of the iceberg really. Do you actually want to be going on a ‘holiday of a lifetime’ with him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/04/2025 13:21

I don’t think there’s any point going on holiday with a partner if it’s going to be underscored by tallying up who ate the more expensive dinner and counting out each of your money and feeling aggrieved if they didn’t pay why you thought they should for it. You’re a family and his financial situation isn’t new: if you find him selfish and don’t think he contributes as much as you think he should then either talk about it like adults, or end the relationship. You’re not going to make life any happier for either of you by quibbling over holiday treats.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 13:22

Mm I would cut your hours at work for 6 months until he kerbs spending your money. Which he ie effectively by you paying out more so he can live beyond his means...

DappledThings · 21/04/2025 13:22

DP or DH? You've used both.

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 21/04/2025 13:23

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 13:19

Hmm. My DH used to earn tons more than me when the DC were tiny and he paid for holidays and meals out although we tended to self cater five days. If he had questioned my menu choices when my input to the family unit equalled his because I did the childcare, all child related stuff and all domestic related stuff, I think I'd have thrown the menu at him and would have left him to it.

YABVVU.

Me too. I genuinely can’t imagine my dh begrudging me ordering what I wanted on holiday because I don’t earn as he does.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2025 13:24

It doesn't sound like you're much of a team, or you like him at all
Why are you still together?

pinotnow · 21/04/2025 13:25

I really don't know how to vote as he seems irresponsible and lacking much of a work ethic and I don't think you should have to subsidise that. BUT you chose to marry him and have a child knowing he was like that and I would not like to live the way you do, working out who pays what and people paying for their own meals like housemates. What is happening with pensions etc? What is the home ownership situation? And if you did ever split (not saying you should, but if) I would be careful he didn't end up positioning himself as the main carer and therefore getting more than 50% residency with you paying him child support due to the discrepancy in wages. My ex sounds a bit like your H (but a lot worse) and luckily when we split he made it clear he did not view himself as the main parent as I carried the mental load of the family as well as supporting us financially. I imagine you might be the same, but would your DH see it that way?

Cadenza12 · 21/04/2025 13:25

TBH he sounds more like a teen than a partner. I'd definitely let him pay his way. He'll be retiring soon at this rate.

Hayley1256 · 21/04/2025 13:29

No it wouldn't bother me and I don't think it would bother him if I did. We tend to have similar appetites and both drink so it hasn't really come up yet. We don't really tally up in that way when holiday - if someone wants something it's pesumed they can have it.

What would your DH's attitude be like if the roles were reversed?

Willyoushutthefrontdoor · 21/04/2025 13:30

There seems to be much more underlying issues if splitting costs for you and your joint child at meals is where you're at. That sounds very fractured to me.

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 13:30

If your DH earned more than you do you think he’d begrudge you having steak and wine on holiday?

Guavafish1 · 21/04/2025 13:30

N

keep things separate

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:32

CopperWhite · 21/04/2025 13:11

You don’t sound like much of a family if you don’t want everyone to share and enjoy what they can. As long as you are protecting your financial security, I don’t think there’s any need to be tight on holiday.

If a man asked this question on here he’d be roasted and told he was being financially abusive and controlling because both partners are supposed to have access to family finances and equal spending money, especially when one does more childcare.

Yes that’s a fair point. The fact that he is available to do childcare is because he has always chosen to work 16hours a week long before we met and had DS so I feel differently about that situation to how I might if he had given up time to have him. I would have loved the luxury to drop a day after maternity leave temporarily but when I was offered that option we couldn’t afford to lose my wages while he was pt

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 21/04/2025 13:32

This must be an exhausting way to live.

DoYouReally · 21/04/2025 13:35

You got with this man knowing he only worked 3 days a week and earned less than you.

What has changed that you now resent it?

In fairness to him, he hasn't changed anything. (This may be problem in itself but you knew who he was from the outset).

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 13:37

When you met/married him and he only worked part time, did he tell you he was going to increase his hours in the future?

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:37

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 13:19

Hmm. My DH used to earn tons more than me when the DC were tiny and he paid for holidays and meals out although we tended to self cater five days. If he had questioned my menu choices when my input to the family unit equalled his because I did the childcare, all child related stuff and all domestic related stuff, I think I'd have thrown the menu at him and would have left him to it.

YABVVU.

Thank you and I understand what you are saying. He definitely doesn’t do all the childcare, very little domestic stuff and none of the child related stuff eg organising clubs, play dates. He drops off and picks up 2 days a week has two days to himself at home and then will drive DS where he is told to as long as he is told when, where and I get all clothes/snacks/bags ready.

so while I appreciate what you are saying I don’t feel it’s comparable, although I can see you didn’t have the info I have just added

OP posts:
IthasYes · 21/04/2025 13:37

It sounds like you have things separately so what's his incentive to save I suggest you open up something like a Monzo account with separate pots and get him to save in it for holidays, big expenses incremental each month he doesn't have to put as much as you in.
Get that going for a few months.
Then maybe expand it to all other stuff you both need to pay like bills and so on.
He will then be left with the actual residue of what he can afford to Keep for himself.

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:40

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 13:21

I wouldn’t even notice that DHs food/drink always came to more than ours (in fact it does, because he’s bigger and therefore eats more, and I don’t drink), unless I already resented him. Which it sounds like you do.
How would this work in reality? Would you split the bill at the table and you pay for you and DS and him pay for himself? Sounds like a massive ballache.
It sounds like you have bigger issues and this is the tip of the iceberg really. Do you actually want to be going on a ‘holiday of a lifetime’ with him?

Show quote history

You’re probably right about the bigger issues.

No I wasn’t thinking of splitting the bills just more about how much we each add to the holiday spending money. Just asked him to consider the costs of his drinks as well as the 3 of our food bill.

OP posts: