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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Money

152 replies

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 12:56

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/04/2025 14:03

Can you remove him from the holiday and go just you and DS? It sounds like your relationship isn't great (I wouldn't be happy in your shoes), so do you want to risk it casting a shadow on a lovely holiday?

Psychologymam · 21/04/2025 14:04

I work and earn a lot less than my husband, I just can’t imagine a scenario where he checks the price of what I order in a restaurant or pays for the kids and himself and not me. It’s bizarre and I wouldn’t stay in the marriage. He values my home contribution and we both have similar attitudes towards money which of course make things easier but I do wonder if there’s bigger issues at play here??

AgnesX · 21/04/2025 14:05

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:06

Thank you for replying! Yes DS will have holiday money from family so this will just be a food budget really. DH is DS dad but I don’t expect him to pay equally for him as he does earn a little less and does save us money on clubs as he does pick up and drop off 2 days a week.

Would it bother you if your DPs meal and drinks came to much more than yours and DD’s every meal or would you just be fine with them having whatever. (Genuine question - We are probably not in a great place in our relationship right not so I find him increasingly selfish and annoying but that could just be me!)

Show quote history

If you're not in a great place why are you going on this holiday. The capacity for disaster is great not least if there's a perceived inequity.

Ginmonkeyagain · 21/04/2025 14:08

I think it is less about the money and more about different spending priorities.

I earn a fair amount more than Mr Monkey (it hasn't always been the case) and I pay for more of the "fun stuff" on holiday (eg meals out, drinks, excursions) but he makes a fair contribution However we have similar attiudes towards spending.

Blackcountrychik83 · 21/04/2025 14:08

So you have to pay for him whilst he’s giving handouts to his mates and wasting his money , that seems fair … not !

I would be telling him he either reigns in wasting his money and paying for other folk or you will have to start looking at your options . Keep squirrelling your money away whilst you can , doesn’t sound like you’re happy about this situation atm

JLou08 · 21/04/2025 14:08

I couldn't enjoy a holiday like that. What's your plan, both order and pay for your drinks and meals separately, asking the waiter for the bill for you and DS and asking him to charge DH seperate? Or transferring a couple of quid here and there throughout the holiday when one person has paid the order/gone to the bar.
It's odd to me that a couple would need any division in finances like this.

EJ2 · 21/04/2025 14:09

I suppose it sounds like he’s been like this since before you got together, but that his way of living isn’t really compatible with being in a partnership/raising a child in the way you need.

I’d be tempted to say you want everything 50/50 for the holiday, you are two adults with a shared child, and he’s not limited in his income because he’s doing childcare, it’s because he’s spending it elsewhere. Really I’d be saying 50/50 for bills, holiday, working arrangements, childcare.. everything.I’d be more open to a proportionate split if he was actually doing more parenting rather than just having two days off which is how I’ve interpreted it.

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:11

Optimist2020 · 21/04/2025 14:02

@spaghettisocks have you protected your equity for your house ? Why is your DP buying meals for his friends? He sounds like a lazy loser, why have a child with a man who works 3 times a week and rubbish with money?

After the holiday, it’s time to cut the cash cow . Could your DP Survive on his own without your propping him up .

On his wages no I don’t think he could if we were to split up

OP posts:
PsychoHotSauce · 21/04/2025 14:13

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 21/04/2025 13:23

Me too. I genuinely can’t imagine my dh begrudging me ordering what I wanted on holiday because I don’t earn as he does.

Show quote history

Ordering what you want, because you want it, is one thing. OP has said he orders the most expensive thing on the menu because it's the most expensive thing on the menu. That's a completely different thing!

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:15

JLou08 · 21/04/2025 14:08

I couldn't enjoy a holiday like that. What's your plan, both order and pay for your drinks and meals separately, asking the waiter for the bill for you and DS and asking him to charge DH seperate? Or transferring a couple of quid here and there throughout the holiday when one person has paid the order/gone to the bar.
It's odd to me that a couple would need any division in finances like this.

Not at all I just want him to add a reasonable amount into the holiday spending account before we are due to go and then everything will come out of that. I would also like him to agree to jointly topping up if it runs out rather that saying I’ve contributed it’s up to you now.

Really I want to be able to go away knowing that I don’t have to mentally tally up what we are ordering and whether that is in budget for the day because we’ve both made a decent contribution.

OP posts:
Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:21

Optimist2020 · 21/04/2025 14:02

@spaghettisocks have you protected your equity for your house ? Why is your DP buying meals for his friends? He sounds like a lazy loser, why have a child with a man who works 3 times a week and rubbish with money?

After the holiday, it’s time to cut the cash cow . Could your DP Survive on his own without your propping him up .

How would I protect the equity?

OP posts:
Sunholidays · 21/04/2025 14:21

If my Dh asked me to pay for my own wine when on holiday I'd be pretty miffed, tbh

Bollindger · 21/04/2025 14:25

Just transfer your food and drink to his account after each meal, tell him this is what you will do, so he can pay, this way he can't get out of his share.
Also he can't over spend your money.
If you keep some money for smaller items he won't realise and you can budget as you need .
He will only be able to tell you once if he is broke, then he will have to face it....

skyeisthelimit · 21/04/2025 14:26

If the house and mortgage are in your name, then he shouldn't have a claim on it, unless he could prove that he had paid substantial amounts towards the purchase or repairs etc - as you are not married. I would keep it that way.

Holiday spending aside, you have the wider issue to sort out. you are working 5 days a week because he only wants to work 3. He might do a couple of pickups etc, but he does little else by the sound of it.

It's all very well saying he needs 2 days for himself, but its a luxury that he can only afford by you working. He doesn't have to pay rent because he lives in your house. He is freeloading off you. If he had a substantial sum of money he could have put it into buying a house with you.

If you are happy to let him sponge off you, then that's ok, but I would resent it and would expect him to work full time, or to do more around the house.

Regarding the question - YANBU to make him pay his own way if he is buying expensive meals purely because he does not have to pay for them. In reality, how will this work on holiday? You would have to get a bill for you and DS and DP would have to get a separate bill.

He is living a life that he can't afford, because you are paying for it.

JohnofWessex · 21/04/2025 14:26

My wife organises and pays for the holidays

I pay for train & boat trips, museums etc as thats my interest

Sadly she has recently developed a taste for First Class after a trip up the Vale of Rheidol last year BUT going first on the Ffestiniog on her birthday last week was much appreciated especially when the train crew gave her a birthday card!

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:28

PsychoHotSauce · 21/04/2025 14:13

Ordering what you want, because you want it, is one thing. OP has said he orders the most expensive thing on the menu because it's the most expensive thing on the menu. That's a completely different thing!

Show quote history

Yep so for example he will only order a specific wine from a specific reason but if he is sharing with someone or given a bottle he will happily drink other options

For a meal it would be king prawns to start followed by a steak or leg of lamb with a few
sides.

OP posts:
Optimist2020 · 21/04/2025 14:28

@spaghettisocks you ask your solicitor for a Declaration of Trust when you purchase your home . So you haven’t protected yourself financially then ?

TheCurious0range · 21/04/2025 14:29

I earn more than DH, our salaries go into the same pot out of which comes a set amount for household expenses, food, mortgage, bills etc, an amount for ds spending and activities, an amount for joint short and long term savings, we then both get the same amount of disposable income. You pay for more but you earn more, do you end up with more disposable income? You might resent him because you'd prefer a more ambitious go getter, but that's not who you married. You say he lives a nice lifestyle working part time for lots of people that's the dream.

Optimist2020 · 21/04/2025 14:29

Is the mortgage solely in your name or is his name on the mortgage @spaghettisocks .

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:32

Optimist2020 · 21/04/2025 14:28

@spaghettisocks you ask your solicitor for a Declaration of Trust when you purchase your home . So you haven’t protected yourself financially then ?

It doesn’t sound like it no l, is that something I can do now or not?

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 21/04/2025 14:33

Sounds like a bit of a cocklodger tbh

Yes he does childcare but that’s because he never worked full time.

Id definitely keep your finances completely separate though I would actually make him start paying towards ds more than his current share of bills. Even if it’s £100 a month, because currently his not even paying a penny towards his own child’s holiday or spends yet your supposed to be a couple.

Is the mortgage just yours? Fingers crossed. Don’t want him getting debt on the house.

Sunholidays · 21/04/2025 14:36

An idea: open a Revolut account for the holiday, pay in the amount that you think is reasonable for you and your DS expenses and ask him to pay in his amount (what he thinks is reasonable to cover his share) and ask him to be in charge of it. He will see how much you spend and if it goes down too quickly he might (hopefully) decide to be more careful....

PrincessFairyWren · 21/04/2025 14:38

My DH has always out earned me. I have at times worked part time as a parent to young children and also studied. We have always combined all our money into a joint bank account. I think the way you are talking about your DH here is not good and I would be very upset if my DH didn't want me to be on our family holiday. I also don't like the way you are speaking about him like a child who hasn't earned his pocket money so doesn't get a treat.

I think the bigger issue is you are upset that he mis-manages his money and doesn't work enough hours. This is a separate conversation. Have that conversation.

RechargeableGnu · 21/04/2025 14:39

I would not be going on this holiday. You'll be so full of resentment at everything he orders it will be no holiday for any of you.

mindutopia · 21/04/2025 14:39

Spending on holiday would come from our joint account, by that I mean, meals out. I would not expect Dh to choose cheap options if what he wants is a steak. But realistically, I would have a chat to begin with to say, how much extra do you think you’ll spend on alcohol, great, can you add that extra £300 to our account? Dh would put a beer he bought just from the bar on his personal account.

That said, unless there are other issues at play, it’s very luxurious of him to get 2 days a week off and not contribute as much to the joint pot. It makes sense when it meant saving money on childcare, but now with a child in school FT, especially if he wants money to burn on nice things, he needs to be working more.