Holiday Money

[spaghettisocks]

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

I’m guessing that your husband didn’t have to budget and cut back all holiday (and before) to finance that though? I would happily pay for an expensive meal and drinks as a treat. But I’m talking about cutting back for me and DS to finance DH’s entire drinks bill when he is not cutting back in the slightest.

In your OP you said that you've already acted on this: I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out

What was his reaction? and how do you intend to carry it out? by splitting each bill according to what you've eaten/drunk?

Yeah, usually because Mum is doing childcare, housework, “the mental load” etc.

Rarely are Mums of small children having multiple “days to themselves”, contributing naff all financially, giving their money away to all and sundry, spending their husband’s money on luxuries and also expecting their husbands to do the housework and the “mental load” stuff like packing kids bags. That’s because most men won’t put up with having the proverbial taken out of them. And I say that as a SAHM! He’s taking you for an idiot.

Okay I get you. I think you need a whole finance convo not just about the holiday. That is a micro problem. You gotta deal with the bigger picture

YANBU based on the additional posts you've made since the original post.

OP, I don't understand why he doesn't work full time to help provide for his child! You should not have to cover all your child's expenses- your DP sounds like a manchild! I could understand it of he had health reasons for been part time but just wanting days to himself is not a good enough reason.

Given that the house is in your name and owned by you - your DP should be paying 'rent' of some description. Even if that takes the form of 50/50 for all the bills - he should be paying more into the household. Why have you assumed all costs for your DS (is he not the father?) if not related then I get understand where my confusion is arising. However as you have said he is 'Dad' then he should pay equally for DS. It matters not that he only works 3 days - his income however it arrives should pay an equal share of living costs then the question of him having alcohol at home shouldn't even come up as all expenses come from the 'pot'
Him footing the bill for meals out with his mates is his issue provided it comes from his remaining income along with his future savings/pensions.
I understand that it all feels very uneven and I get why you are questioning this when you seem to be supporting him and he goes about his merry way without any concern for you and DS. If meals and drinks while out on holiday could be an issue maybe you should look at an all inclusive option on holiday instead.

Holiday spending sounds the least of your problems. For us the cost of the holiday and any spending on the holiday is a family cost and comes from the joint bank account to which we contribute proportionally based on our income.
We like good quality meals out and wines and cocktails - I don’t tally up who has had what. Would defeat the idea of a relaxing holiday.

It all sounds too military for a family holiday. My ex earned more than me so I guess he paid for most meals etc but I would sometimes pay. Also it was usually me that wanted to go in the first place and I would generally pay a lot towards the initial holiday costs. But there wasn't a set formula! If you are bothered about it you should tell him and work it out before you go.

Not the same in most couples at all, usually when a mum earns less and works part time it’s because she is looking after the kids on her days off. I’ve not heard of a mum who earns less and gets 2 days to herself where all she has to do is childcare drop offs and where she doesn’t even do any of the admin or packing bags etc associated with that! How on earth has he conned you into thinking this is a normal set up? I assume you have MUG tattooed on your forehead and he really saw you coming.

Do it in reverse. He pays, and you transfer him the money. Then once there’s a shortfall on his end, you don’t have to badger him for money.

But THH, it sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse. He received a substantial inheritance, didn’t invest it, and fritted it away on fancy meals, designer accessories, and subsidising his part-time employment. It is now gone, and he is cocklodging with you, whilst you subsidise his part-time lifestyle and his holidays.

The man has no pension. What is your plan? Will you fund his retirement? And you think holidays are bad now…just wait until he’s on the minuscule state pension and wanting to tag along on your retirement travels, whilst living it up with his fancy meals (that he’ll expect you to fund).

You need to take a long, hard look at your future and make some decisions.

I think you're focusing on peeling paint when the house is on fire with the holiday money question. Your bigger problem is that you and your DP aren't on the same page about almost everything - what you value, where you spend your money, planning for the future, division of household responsibilities.

I think you'd be far less resentful about "subsidizing" him if he was doing more than 50% of the household labour and child care/admin, and if you were working together towards shared goals, financial and otherwise. It sounds like he hasn't bought into being a parent or family unit in many meaningful ways.

Thank you and I understand what you are saying. He definitely doesn’t do all the childcare, very little domestic stuff and none of the child related stuff eg organising clubs, play dates. He drops off and picks up 2 days a week has two days to himself at home and then will drive DS where he is told to as long as he is told when, where and I get all clothes/snacks/bags ready If he’d been doing the lions share of housework and childcare, then I’d think you were outrageous to suggest not covering his meals. But as it is, you’re doing the lions share of everything and he’s just poncing off you.

I’m a big fan of working to live and if you can afford to go part time and pay your share of household expenses then great. Enjoy life with housework and childcare split 50/50. But he can’t afford to go part time and pay all of his champagne expenses on his lemonade budget, without you subsidising him both financially and practically. That has to change.

He tends to assure me he can afford to pay for himself and I cover me and DS (this is our arrangement due to me earning more and I am happy with this). I will book/pay the bill. He will then not send me any money, I will ask repeatedly and it will end up in an argument where he says I am pressuring him and should be happy to pay for him. He doesn’t seem to understand that if he’s told me he can pay for himself I have budgeted for that and can’t really afford to cover his cost and so may have changed the plan if I’d known this before so we could do something still together but within budget Make it very clear to him before the holiday and before you go to eat, and once again before he orders that this situation has now ended and that he either transfers the cash to you immediately or you’ll be asking for separate bills. You and your DC will not be living on sandwiches and cancelling planned trips so he can stuff his face on roast lamb and wash it down with expensive beer. If he hasn’t given you his share before you book something, then he doesn’t get included in the booking. And if he asks you if you think it’s fair for your DC to see him excluded, ask him if he thinks it’s fair for your DC to see him living the life of Riley and contributing nothing. If your DC asks why dad isn’t coming, tell him about your daily budgets for spending money and say that daddy chose to spend all of his money on other things.

"His defence is that he would choose budget holidays/don’t need expensive days out and I go overboard on presents/experiences so am unfair in expecting him to pay so much."

So don't go to expensive restaurants on holiday - or if you want to, go without him.

If I was in this relationship being expected to fund such a money grabbing leech while he claims to be uninterested in expensive luxuries I'd see the problem as more than holiday expenses and either get him to contribute to living expenses equitably or move out.

I wouldn’t notice unless it was feeling unbalanced.

why can’t he work more hours? Especially if you wanted to drop a day and do an unfair amount of unpaid labour in this relationship.

i wouldnt want to fund him. Especially if he limited my options with my child AND had champagne taste on beer money. But if I’m honest I wouldn’t be in your relationship as I know the mental load falls on me post partum so I wouldn’t feel this was a good balance.

its not necessarily how much someone earns, it’s more how the balance feels and that’s up to you two to decide. I’ve been breadwinner and never had an issue. Children do change it though and that’s when I felt the issue arise due to the extra child related jobs that partner didn’t pick up.

him doing a couple of drop offs a week isn’t even the majority share for a week!

Because we're married, we set the budget for the holiday together. So if we have £1,000 spending money for the week, we'll split that into what we can spend per "day*.

For example, if we are bed and breakfast in the accommodation, that works out at ~£140 a day for lunch and dinner, so we'd say £40 to cover lunch and £100 for dinner. Which then means we have to be mindful when ordering to not go over.

Some days we might just grab a sandwich for lunch so we can spend more for dinner or roll it over to a other day to have a fancier dinner.

But no, it wouldn't bother me if DH was ordering a more expensive meal than me, as long as I also got what I wanted and we stuck within budget.

Sounds like a way to teach a teenager the value of money, not a grown man with a family.

Luckily my DH doesn't think like you or I wouldn't even be going on a holiday as a Sahm...

It may sound a bit drastic but I think the holiday spending money issue - which by the way you are right about - is not your main issue.
The best thing would be to live separately whether or not you remain in a relationship. Usually when one partner earns less they take on more household chores and childcare as well as make sure they don't overspend the household budget.
Your partner doesn't do that, therefore they are benefiting from your labour ahd money and you have to give up time with your child to finance your partners spending.
I don't actually understand how this works for you as a relationship.

1. He’s not a SAHD. OP carries the mental load and organises everything.
2. He’s not her husband.
3. He refuses to stick to a budget.

I couldn't live like this personally.

I do wonder how it would go down if a woman posted this saying her husband is telling her to pay for herself since she's part time ....

If you are married and he is your sons father then yes you are being unreasonable. Imagine if it was a man saying he wouldn't pay for his wifes half of the holiday and he was the much higher earner.

Every PT mum I know (including myself when I worked PT) carried the mental load. Nor did I deliberately blow the holiday budget out of the water, by deliberately ordering MYSELF fancy steak meals, then telling my husband to “deal with it” because I’d gone over the holiday budget.

What that she worked part time though choice Spunked a whole inheritance on crap, will only order the most expensive of anything and doesn’t do any childcare or housework basically.

Yeah I get a feeling she would be called out.

As others have said, this is an issue with your finances and living situation not with holiday money. He needs to increase his hours if he can’t afford his lifestyle, and that includes being able to contribute fairly to family resources. It’s not as if he is earning at his max in his job type if he’s choosing to go part time. You need to have an honest and frank conversation with him.