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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Money

152 replies

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 12:56

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

OP posts:
Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:39

TheCurious0range · 21/04/2025 14:29

I earn more than DH, our salaries go into the same pot out of which comes a set amount for household expenses, food, mortgage, bills etc, an amount for ds spending and activities, an amount for joint short and long term savings, we then both get the same amount of disposable income. You pay for more but you earn more, do you end up with more disposable income? You might resent him because you'd prefer a more ambitious go getter, but that's not who you married. You say he lives a nice lifestyle working part time for lots of people that's the dream.

I have no problem with what he earns - I am far more bothered about having a house and money in the bank than him. He is a day to day liver and would be happy to rent forever earning just enough to live and enjoying his time. Thats not my goal but I don’t think he’s wrong in that.

I don’t think I should have to pay for meals out and holidays though because of this. He tends to assure me he can afford to pay for himself and I cover me and DS (this is our arrangement due to me earning more and I am happy with this). I will book/pay the bill. He will then not send me any money, I will ask repeatedly and it will end up in an argument where he says I am pressuring him and should be happy to pay for him. He doesn’t seem to understand that if he’s told me he can pay for himself I have budgeted for that and can’t really afford to cover his cost and so may have changed the plan if I’d known this before so we could do something still together but within budget.

OP posts:
LittleArithmetics · 21/04/2025 14:40

I think what you really want is for him to turn into a solvent, responsible partner, which isn't going to happen. He's a guy who lives beyond his means, gets into debt, fritters away money on watches, didn't bother buying a house when he could have and instead frittered the money away, and who can't be bothered to work more to improve his own situation or his family's.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 14:42

Turn this the other way round OP - if all the SAHM on here were on holiday and basically were told ‘it’s my earned money’ so don’t spend more than £20 on your meal etc - there would be a lot of mumsnetters saying WTF!! either you are a family in all senses, otherwise it’s just 2 people sharing living expenses. I think the reason you are feeling this way is because it isn’t feeling great in general , from your post it’s Itsall feeling rather transactional, not very’all in this together’ - if you aren’t feeling it, you aren’t . If it’s about the money then I think it needs talking out , if it’s about more than that I think you have to think is this a lifestyle you actually want ora relationship you want and make some choices

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 14:45

@spaghettisocks just read your recent post - you aren’t on the same page OP when it comes to cash or assets etc- neither are right or wrong - either I feel you loosen up or he tightens up hugely or it will end in tears and resentment

PrincessScarlett · 21/04/2025 14:46

I think the problem here is that you are not compatible as you both have completely different priorities and aspirations in life. It's a shame you didn't realise this before you had a child together.

shuggles · 21/04/2025 14:46

@spaghettisocks A family is supposed to be a single unit, so both incomes are really a pooled income.

I'm astonished though that you are hiding investments. This would indicate a lack of trust and I wouldn't be happy if someone did that to me.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/04/2025 14:49

You mentioned the mortgage is yours. Is it officially in both your names, with your shared ownership as joint tenants or tenants in common? Or is the house officially just yours?

That's important.

gmgnts · 21/04/2025 14:51

Crazyworldmum · 21/04/2025 13:58

Are you sure you are in a Marriage ?

She's not in a marriage. He's a partner, not a husband.

Octavia64 · 21/04/2025 14:53

If your partner is not on the deeds to the house or the mortgage then unless he’s paid for some substantial renovations he doesn’t have a claim on it.

get legal advice if it’s more complicated than that.

re the him not paying - it’s hard to enforce him covering his share if he never pays the bill and you are reduced to nagging him about it,

suggest you change system - he pays for one completely and you pay for the next.

works out about 50:50 and he has to pay for some, no nagging.

gmgnts · 21/04/2025 14:54

He sounds like a waster and a loser. What does he bring to your relationship, apart from being your child's father?

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:55

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/04/2025 14:49

You mentioned the mortgage is yours. Is it officially in both your names, with your shared ownership as joint tenants or tenants in common? Or is the house officially just yours?

That's important.

No shared ownership. I put the deposit down and just me on the mortgage

OP posts:
UsernameTalk · 21/04/2025 15:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable - DH should fund himself because he should be working full time to earn more and wastes money (buying meals for friends is irresponsible when you don't work full time and can't pay for your share properly at home).

Why doesn't he work full time and help pay his share and for his kids share?
Does he do more around the house since he doesn't work full time?

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 15:02

@spaghettisocks was it agreed by you he could continue to work part time and pick up the childcare aspect ? Do you love him still OP - I’m getting a feeling that you don’t deep down and don’t respect him either - I do think this isn’t all about holiday money - it’s a deeper thing going on and holidays are the catalyst

TightPants · 21/04/2025 15:03

He’s a grade A cocklodger.

sunshineandshowers40 · 21/04/2025 15:03

This sounds like madness! DP sounds like a lazy loser who lives above his means. To be fair to him, he hasn't changed but I couldn't live like this ant longer especially with a child. Subside his holiday and then look at splitting up.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/04/2025 15:06

If he has problems budgeting why are you putting money into a joint account? Pay for DS and yourself from your sole account and let him pay for himself out of his sole account. To be honest he sounds lazy, entitled and grabby so beyond that personally I would be looking at ways to leave; how selfish to take 2 days for himself every week and keep his wages low whilst expecting you to bankroll him. I’m guessing it’s you paying for childcare whilst he’s having 2 extra days off a week as well? What is he actually contributing to the family?

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/04/2025 15:06

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 14:55

No shared ownership. I put the deposit down and just me on the mortgage

Show quote history

Thank god.

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 15:10

shuggles · 21/04/2025 14:46

@spaghettisocks A family is supposed to be a single unit, so both incomes are really a pooled income.

I'm astonished though that you are hiding investments. This would indicate a lack of trust and I wouldn't be happy if someone did that to me.

I’m not hiding investments sorry If that’s come across wrong.

I save some of my wages each month so I can afford to pay for me and DS to go on holiday, Christmas/birthday presents and days out and holiday spending money. It
gives us a buffer when he can’t afford things and means I can cover them but it
does mean I always have money that he is unaware of - although he wouldn’t have a clue how much money I had any
point. He’s uninterested - I probably wouldn’t be completely honest if asked mind as it would burn a hole
in his pocket once he knew it existed. His defence is that he would choose budget holidays/don’t need expensive days out and I go overboard on presents/experiences so am unfair in expecting him to pay so much. Totally in opposition to what he would spend once we have arrived at the budget resource on the top menu and drink choices 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 15:11

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/04/2025 15:06

If he has problems budgeting why are you putting money into a joint account? Pay for DS and yourself from your sole account and let him pay for himself out of his sole account. To be honest he sounds lazy, entitled and grabby so beyond that personally I would be looking at ways to leave; how selfish to take 2 days for himself every week and keep his wages low whilst expecting you to bankroll him. I’m guessing it’s you paying for childcare whilst he’s having 2 extra days off a week as well? What is he actually contributing to the family?

No we are very lucky that my family cover the other days childcare

OP posts:
Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 15:14

This sounds like a horrible way to live. I don’t earn any money! My husband wouldn’t count how many drinks I had on holiday or anything. He even booked me a massage last holiday (£90). All paid for by him.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/04/2025 15:14

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 15:11

No we are very lucky that my family cover the other days childcare

Show quote history

Wow. So not only are you subsidising this waste of space man but your family are having to cover for him too. How sad for your son that his own father doesn’t want to care for him but also doesn’t want to work and provide money so that he can give his son a better life. I ask again, what is he actually bringing to the family? Sounds like you’d be better off without him to be honest, what an awful role model for your son.

Original poster
spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 15:14

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 15:02

@spaghettisocks was it agreed by you he could continue to work part time and pick up the childcare aspect ? Do you love him still OP - I’m getting a feeling that you don’t deep down and don’t respect him either - I do think this isn’t all about holiday money - it’s a deeper thing going on and holidays are the catalyst

I suppose it was agreed in that I couldn’t afford to drop a day and he never offered to pick one up to balance this. But to be fair to him I never asked. He does know that I wanted to work 4 days until DS started school and was unable to because he didn’t earn enough but we’ve never really dwelled on that as I think it’s the case most couple just its
usually the mum that earns less.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 15:15

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:52

Well it was enough money to buy a small house where we live or half of a bigger house so he would have had no mortgage outgoings. Then 3 days a week would have been sufficient.

so maybe not a lot of money as house are cheap but enough to make a significant difference to living expenses

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So did he just spend his inheritance on himself? Is there any left? He sounds like a Peter Pan sort of person, never properly growing up. All the responsibilities seem to be yours and he is spending his money on treats for himself and has a lot of time to himself while you have none.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/04/2025 15:16

I am generally of the view that families should share money but it sounds like you're starting to feel taken advantage of because your DP isn't pulling his weight.

Why does it fall to you to pay for everything for the child you share?

Surely he could work full time and improve the family finances.

Motheranddaughter · 21/04/2025 15:16

spaghettisocks · 21/04/2025 13:06

Thank you for replying! Yes DS will have holiday money from family so this will just be a food budget really. DH is DS dad but I don’t expect him to pay equally for him as he does earn a little less and does save us money on clubs as he does pick up and drop off 2 days a week.

Would it bother you if your DPs meal and drinks came to much more than yours and DD’s every meal or would you just be fine with them having whatever. (Genuine question - We are probably not in a great place in our relationship right not so I find him increasingly selfish and annoying but that could just be me!)

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No it wouldn’t bother me