Holiday Money

[spaghettisocks]

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

That’s probably a different post altogether!

This doesn't sound like a very happy or relaxed holiday. I recently went on holiday with DH - I'm pregnant so not drinking alcohol. It didn't even occur to me to make him contribute extra to bills from meals out because he was drinking and I wasn't. Likewise, when we next go on holiday I'll be on maternity leave and earning barely nothing. I'm probably also going to be drinking nice wine and cocktails as I've earned it from creating a new human! I'd be really upset and feel controlled if he started keeping tabs on what I'm consuming/spending on holiday because I'll be the lower earner.

It sounds like there are already underlying tensions in your relationship which need addressing beyond your holiday expenditures?

I would love to but it’s not an option in my job x

No comment on your wider money situation but the house wine is often shit.

I don’t drink anymore but when I did I definitely had minimum standards and most house wine wouldn’t meet them.

Sorry not married. Don’t know why I put DH should be DP.
I pay into a pension through work. He doesn’t pay any pension contributions so will just end up on state pension. He has a number of credit cards and has payday loans/Klarna going on a lot of the time so I don’t feel confident in joint finances. He is very defensive if I try to discuss anything with him so have no idea what he owes.
Mortgage is mine but her is on all bills insurance etc. I consider the house to be ours for what it’s worth.

Sadly resentment is like drinking your own poison and that is exactly where you are at currently

Clearly you are being rather condescending about his decision to work part time

Yet you say he lives a very good life from this money but it the next breath claim that you have to work full time to fund things

Tell him you want to drop a day each week and ask if he will increase his hours because you don’t want to sacrifice your current living standards

You must be in a bad place if you are at the point of expecting him to pay for his own meals although I can see why you would in a way as really he could be doing more financially by the sounds of it!

it's interesting, my first thought, and probably that of others assessing the posts, was "lazy cf" - but on reflection the thoughts would be different to a woman working PT to provide more child care.

But as it's a continuing situation, with the child care a by-product, this could wear thin as the child gets older and doesn't require a semi stay at home parent.

No but he had a lot of money he’d been left which he said was for our future but spent it all on watches/cars/gifts etc

So my DH earns x3 what I do. I work hard it’s just worked out that way. He always makes sure I have the same ‘leftover’ as him so bills he pays a lot more for. Holidays and meals out we tend to split 50-50. Same with food shopping and stuff for DD. I don’t drink and he does but I do drink af beer which isn’t cheap and we will just go 50-50 on whole bill anyway.

He spends frivolously but doesn't like working hard. And doesn't do much at home either.

No wonder you don't feel like subbing his restaurant bill. He's lazy and not a team player.

Either that's a hell of a lot of gifts etc or it wasnt actually that much money!

I think what has change is that our expenses have gone up and he is not expecting to have to change his lifestyle rather that I should fund it as my wages have increased (not to the same extent as our outgoings though)

Well it was enough money to buy a small house where we live or half of a bigger house so he would have had no mortgage outgoings. Then 3 days a week would have been sufficient.

so maybe not a lot of money as house are cheap but enough to make a significant difference to living expenses

I'm guessing your concern is the amount of money he would burn through if he got the chance. That would worry me too. I mean, I like to treat myself and probably do so more than I ought to but I haven't got a child to support. No real advice but if he continues to be feckless, do you see a future with him? It sounds as though you are taking all the real responsibility here.

I think potentially wider issues and resentment about the money/effort you are both putting in is being focused onto the holiday. Is it that you are worried you won’t enjoy it if you’re constantly thinking about him wasting money?

I would be more inclined to turn a blind eye to holiday spending, try my best to have a lovely time, and then have a really serious discussion about the future and what this looks like once you are back home.

Did he not even offer to do more hours so you could reduce yours after mat leave? I think that’s really shocking, it shows a level of inflexibility even when circumstances change.

Is there a particular reason he only works part time? I’m assuming it’s not for a health/mental health/or serious consideration?

Right well you didnt mention he bought the house with that money, you said watches cars and gifts. The house is a future investment so that's wise.

Are you sure you are in a Marriage ?

He didn't buy a house. She said it would have been enough

Comments comparing him to women who are either SAHM or who work p/t with children are irrelevant as the OP has confirmed he doesn't really take the lead with childrearing and she is doing the majority of the traditional wife-work still. This is almost always the case when men work part-time or take on SAHD roles.

OP, I think it's good that you aren't married and I can only see the differences in the way you live your lives breeding more resentment as your dc stops needing afterschool care. You've already had to miss out on working part-time because of this - what next?

Honestly, I don't think this is about holiday spending money. Isn't it about a major imbalance of finances which causes resentment. Does this bloke pick up the slack with childcare and all the domestic load or is he just there?
if he's just there, I'd be thinking quite hard about why you are supporting someone who doesn't but could, pull their weight financially?

Exactly this.

I could not enjoy a family holiday where my partner sorts their own food out while I picked cheaper restaurants or whatever. Isn’t the point of family holidays to spend time together?!

To try and answer a few posts in one:

He absolutely would not begrudge spending on me if he earned more. But he does not prioritise bills, necessities and saving so he will generously spend on anyone friends, family, colleagues until he is bottom of his overdraft.

Mudkipper - you’ve definitely hit the nail on the head. He cannot budget so if he has no responsibility for paying for anything he will have no idea of what we have spent and what is left and. I feel I will be trying to compensate for it all holiday

EJ2 - no reason other than he likes to have time to himself

Yes sorry I was just about to edit 😆 yeah if my partner was that silly with money it and didnt do enough around the house and childcare despite only working PT then that combined would probably be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't be booking a holiday of a lifetime with him!

No didn’t buy a house but could have

@spaghettisocks have you protected your equity for your house ? Why is your DP buying meals for his friends? He sounds like a lazy loser, why have a child with a man who works 3 times a week and rubbish with money?

After the holiday, it’s time to cut the cash cow . Could your DP Survive on his own without your propping him up .