Holiday Money

[spaghettisocks]

Ok don’t want to drip feed so context first.
DP works 3 days per week and has since before we met. Earns around half my salary, does 2 days pick up and drop off, also has some regular money coming in from old investments which is usually frittered away on clothes, buying meals for friends etc.

I work full time. Earn double his salary, pay at least 2 thirds of household costs/bills/shops/tickets/kids clothes and clubs. Am much better with money so have some savings which he is unaware of. Also save for DS who is 4 and has £7k in an ISA.

we have just booked holiday of a lifetime. I will pay for me and DS. DH will pay for himself. I have said I will also cover food and spending money for me and DS and have asked DH to sort himeself out. He is not frugal and likes nice things and so will generally choose the most expensive meal without considering the options (I will sometimes have a steak but would balance this out over the week with some cheaper options). He also drinks and I don’t. So there would be added cost for him of a few pints, cocktails or a bottle of wine (again no way would he chose a house bottle).

AIBU -
Y - you are a family and you earn more, you should split everything and pay 2 thirds.
N - he can fund his own drinks you paying for DS balances out the inequality in wages

I think if a woman said she was part time and had her days off completely to herself because she had her child in childcare on those days and that she also didn’t do any household chores or childcare admin etc on those days and her husband who worked full time had to do all of that too so she could have 2 full child free days to herself she would get a similar reaction. This is not a set up where the OPs partner works part time but does childcare and household chores on his days off, he has 2 days off completely to himself, OP even has to get the child’s bag ready on these days so literally all her partner has to do is get the child in the car and follow OPs instructions regarding where and when to drop off the child. No woman working part time is this lazy!

Honestly - i would find it incredibly frustrating to have a partner who only worked 16 hours a week. They would have to do a lot more than just a school pick up twice a week in terms of childcare for me to feel like they were pulling their weight in the family.

I think the difference here seems to be that the part time isn’t necessarily agreed on/open for discussion, and isn’t balanced by OP’s partner doing more for the child, so it’s not the same as a set up where it’s been discussed and agreed that a parent is working part time and doing more of the child work.

The holiday arrangements sound exhausting, so I wouldn't even be going under these circumstances.

Anything that requires such exact measurements and peering over who orders the most expensive etc just sounds utterly unappealing. I can't imagine I would feel much love or respect if I got to this point in a relationship.

Can you holiday separately? Doesn't sound like anything more than a functional relationship at this point.

I realise that some posters can't imagine totting things up and not completely sharing finances, but everyone's circs are different.

For eg. in my first marriage, we met at 16 & 18, and neither of us had 2 pennies to rub together. We got married, had kids, H earned more, but we just shared everything.

In my current marriage, we met later in life (late 30's). I had 2 kids and a house. He had no kids, and was renting. Having been through a divorce and splitting assets etc, there was no way I was going to put another man on my mortgage. Also, he is a spender and I'm a saver, and I've never fancied pooling our money.

Op, I totally understand your frustrations. Me and DH earn a similar amount, but he is such a spender (he has 3 bloody cars), that we've ended up in the situation whereby I have good savings and he has a bit of debt. That's not my problem. However, because of this, I often find myself paying for things that we would have split if I didn't have this nagging feeling of being better off than him. So I pay for take-aways, meals out etc, plus repairs to the house and stuff. Like your DP, he would order expensive things without a care in the world, but I'm paying for it! He does work FT though and have a pension.

I would be very worried about your DP's long term prospects, as it sounds like a frugal retirement. How old is he?

I think what bothers me and you, is their lackadaisical attitude to money, because that's the very reason why they aren't in good shape financially, but that directly impacts us, because we have to pick up the slack.

My DH ordered 2 insulated cups for an upcoming holiday - £70! They are great, he says. Well, that may well be, but A) we already have insulated cups, and B) the reason I'm always picking up the bill in restaurants and for treats, is because I have savings and you don't, but this is why you don't! The crazy spending. (His reason for buying new cups was that these latest ones have detachable stems - aargh).

I'm not sure what you can do - but I think I would ask him to work 4 days a week, and start a pension (assuming he is young enough to make it count).

Even if we reverse this, as others are suggesting, the outcome is still just as horrific:

• Young woman receives inheritance. Doesn’t invest it—instead fitters it away on designer handbags, fancy meals out, and subsidising her ability to work PT.
• Moves into partner’s home and they have a baby.
• The male partner works FT, carries the mental load, arranges childcare, and pays for the majority of household outgoings. Female partner works PT, still enjoys life’s luxuries, and does the school run a few times per week. Her days off are for “personal time”; NOT for childcare.
• Male partner pays for the majority of the holiday expenses (including funding everything for the DC), and the female partner has said that she will fund her portion/food. Female orders fancy 3-course meals, the most expensive item from every menu, and point-blank refuses to stick to the pre-agreed budget. When the holiday fund is (not surprisingly) empty before the holiday is over, she refuses to engage in conversations about cutting back on expensive meals/drinks, and continues to rack up costs.

Just as bad.

It seems a lot of people are missing the very vital point that OP isn’t married. They have no legal financial ties, her money is not his or vice versa. If they split up they both just walk away with what is in their name. OP works more, earns more, does more childcare, pays for more. She’s got the short end of the stick and the more she is subsidising her partner the shorter her stick gets. When she is already feeling resentment the last thing she should do is spend even more money on him, she will need it for her and her child.

You know OP , if you plan on staying together I would tell him that he needs to pick up more work or cut back on his frittering as you can’t afford it - I would also be very tempted to go AI on holiday with someone like this- and I’m not a fan of them - but clearly we are in champagne tastes beer money wagesterritory - I lived with someone like this for3 years- it didn’t end well

Ugh! I could never be with a bloke who was useless with money and fritters it away on pointless crap.

Don’t bother with the holiday but look at separating and going your own way. Otherwise, you’ll still be working hard in your 60’s and subsiding his cushy retirement…!

Based on your updates, he’s a useless waste of space and I wouldn’t have to worry about splitting the spending money because I wouldn’t be going on holiday with him.
Your life would be easier without him OP.

Can you imagine of this was friends going out?

Have you seen the CF threads on ‘bill splitting’ this is the same thing.

Go to nice restaurant stuff yourself silly and then ask for a split in costs!

Absolutely not!!

I would tell him that he is paying and you will move the cash at the end.

Or I would split the bill at the table:

You could clear rid of him, and go alone (with DS) and have a much nicer time. Why are to dragging this dead beet?

We are married so I suppose that makes a difference, but I don’t know who pays for what when we go on holiday.

Not sure if I have missed this, but what is he doing when he is at home? Could he work extra hours if he wanted?

Have you spoken to him about any of this and how it makes you feel and how it needs to change

Technically then it's your house and he has the status of a lodger, since you are not married. I imagine the mortgage company would have expected a document signed when you moved in to say that he has no beneficial interest, that's standard.

Either way, if you decide that it's no longer working then it's as simple as changing the locks. I'm not suggesting that's a good way to play it, just pointing out that you have all the power here.

It sounds a horrible way to live, OP. He's treating his wages like pocket money and doesn't care if he runs out because he thinks you'll subsidise him. He's hardly working and yet thinks he can blow all his money on having a good time, while you are left worrying about how to make things work.

I think he should work more hours and contribute more to the family pot. After that all money should be kept separate. He's spent all of the money that would have bought a house, ffs, on watches and other luxuries and now thinks he can live off you.

Just checking - are you including the mortgage in the bills that are split between you? Does he think he's contributing towards the mortgage?

@spaghettisocks sorry but why in hell is an adult male only working three days a week? even before he met you????

Yes, I can't really answer @spaghettisocks because our family finances are so different.

We have a joint account and our own accounts. All earnings, except an amount each, currently £350 a month, goes into the joint account, where all family spending comes from.

Any personal spends come from our own account. Clothes, gifts for each other, personal care, seperate nights out.

We don't ever ‘haggle’ over which spending comes from where.

Why not?

Plenty of adults work part time, especially those with children to care for.

Why is it different because this is a male?

When DS was little I only worked 3 days but no way would DH have begrudged me a few drinks or a fancy meal on holiday.
Is your real issue the fact he fritters away his money day to day and therefore has no savings or financial cushion.
You sound unhappy generally @spaghettisocks

How do you find this child adult attractive?
I think you are very different people and want different things from life. The younger you are the easier it is to move on and find a person that shares your values and plans for the future.

It’s not comparable. You were married and presumably working pt to provide more childcare. OP has no financial ties to this man and he isn’t anywhere near pulling his weight in any part of their life. He’s just lazy and entitled.

I could not live like this ... my income is six times more than my husband's. All the money goes in one pot ... it's "our" money and we both spend it.

Lots of adults work part time.