Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

But you didn't do it to support his career, you did it because you didn't want to work.

I'm not disagreeing with you starting your business but I guess it depends what the business actually is. If its something that will be viable then he needs to adjust his position. If it's a something and nothing then I understand his position and couldn't really argue with it.

How long has it been? I don't think him having to parent and do some chores is unreasonable but did you discuss it with him before starting the business and how long does your business plan suggest it will take to start making a profit

I presume if you didn't raise "his" kids he would have hired a nanny or used a nursery and carried on working as usual...

First post has it. Is it an actual viable business that will give a relevant return, or is it a fluffy 'lifestyle' business where you waft about and post loads on social media?

He is being unreasonable . Even if you just wanted a Saturday off to go shopping with your friends or do marathon training or go to a spa day, he shouldn’t be moaning about running the household for a day at the weekend.

More context needed. Is the business actually worth the time you're giving it?

Did you discuss and agree this with him beforehand? In our household (and in all healthy relationships) neither of us would make a decision unilaterally that would cost extra money or require the other person to do more, any change would be a chat, weigh it up and come to a decision together so that nobody feels they’ve been dictated to or imposed upon.

And as other posters said, it depends on the business.

I sort of agree with this...

I also think it depends on how long you were a sahm and why. If you had pre-preschool aged dcs and had them at home full time, that's quite different to you being a sahm with dcs in school for example.

Of course he doesn't want to spend his time when you've done it up until now and his life has been pretty easy.
A man who doesn't support a spouse in helping with the kids and home isn't worth keeping.

It depends whether you really, honestly think that the business will start making a reasonable profit sometime fairly soon. If not, I'd suggest getting a job - and then I would fully support your view that DH would need to take on a fair share of the housework and childcare without moaning. But if it's just a hobby business that makes pocket money then I think it needs to be done in your own time.

Wtf, I can't believe these replies!

What does it matter if its making money, she's doing something she enjoys and for herself after dedicating all her time to raising a family whilst her husband worked and took no part in the household.

Are we actually suggesting that just because he worked before, that it let's him off the hook of ever needing to play a part in household chores or the children? Seriously?

A decent man would step up and help her to make her business a success as well, but also a decent man would WANT to be involved. Unless he's wanting a trad wife..

Your friends are idiots.

Seems like he wanted his submissive bangmaid and is unhappy at having to, god forbid do chores.

It’s depressing to me how many men seek a maid and housekeeper for a wife.

What does it matter if its making money, she's doing something she enjoys and for herself
Of course it matters!!! Do you think the dh should be able to scoot off now to give up his paying job, and go off and do something he loves as well....?

Oh tough one.

How old are the children? I’ll assume they’re school age.

I’m in a similar position but still do most of the housework/children stuff as I’m not making any money yet and DH high paid high pressure job is still the same. For now it sounds unfair to pile more stress on DH until I am capable of removing some financial pressure off him.
The children growing also means I’ll have soon much more time to focus without unbalancing our dynamic.

As you said, you went training and built this business out of boredom so may be have a chat with your husband and share expectations and if he’s a good husband otherwise, perhaps make sure he doesn’t break under the additional stress/ lack of rest.

He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

This and how common it is makes me want to commit murder. So many men want their only contribution to the family to be their wallet - which means they don’t understand why marriage / kids should change / increase their workload.

Being a SAHM IS work. And it is supporting his career. As you clearly see if she was not being a SAHM he would have to pull his weight at home.

He has to engage in the family he chose to have and the food he eats and wash the clothes he wears- boohoo him, welcome to life. I assume by the fact he plays the work hard card he has a office job.

@LuluDelulu I agree with you - but it seems many feel if you take the dollar you aren’t entitled to any me time ‘at all’ regardless of whether it’s a business thing or going ballroom dancing for 4 hours

You cannot be serious. Of course it matters if it’s making money!

If my husband quit his job tomorrow and decided to start volunteering at a charity close to his heart instead for free then I wouldn’t be happy. This is no different, he’d be doing something he loves, but he’d have left me with the financial responsibility for the household.

Equally if I decided tomorrow that I’m going to start going to the gym for 3 hours every night and all day every Saturday so my husband would have to do all midweek evening childcare & Saturday on his own then he wouldn’t be happy, I’d be doing something I love, but I’d have left him with the responsibility.

Relationships are not about “ah I want to do this so you have to do xyz to accommodate me”, they are about deciding together what can be doable with the overall family finances/work factored in.

She did not give up a high paying job to do something she lives. She gave up her unpaid role as a housewife to try and make her own money.

And he dislikes that because it means he has to cook from time to time.

A board full of women seeing the wife as the problem in this scenario is disturbing.

In my first marriage I ended up giving up my nurse training which I loved due to my ex H constantly moaning that the shifts interfered with his social life, made it necessary for him to do drop offs and pick ups at times and stopped him going to football matches some weekend - taught me that many men on paper want a family but don’t want their lives to change one iota

But she did not quit a paid job. Did you not read OP

Well. I guess if you were making money then it would be different. Depends on whether or not you’ll be financially viable or you’re unrealistic in your business model and just working to avoid being a SAHM yet still benefitting from your husbands income. Presumably you agreed to support each other and that includes financially as well as time and effort at home/family, if you we’re making money would he mind the time he spends at home doing housework and kids stuff?

My god, you lot are fucking insane!

She's not asking him to not work, quit his job etc she's asking him to pick up the slack in between so she can do something!

Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this

You're telling me you would all be happy if your partners checked out of parenting and chores on weekends just because he works in the week?

Jesus fucking christ, you selfish selfish people. She finally starts to do something for herself and he won't help and you all think that's okay as it's early days before it's making money. It might start making money if he gets off his lazy ass and helps her!!!

A lot of men want families the way little children want pets.

The like the idea of them but don’t actually want to do any work in maintaining them. They want their lives to remain unchanged.