Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

@faerietales yep I do agree there is a finite amount of time in this case - I do stand by the fact though I don’t think it’s the money aspect- I think he would be exactly the same if she had an evening/ weekend paid job - now this probably won’t change, so it may be the OP has to rethink her offering if she values her marriage , wait till kids are a fair bit older or do something within the 9 to 5 - as do so many mums .

@Crikeyalmighty I think this is one of the risks when one person gives up all paid work and chooses to stay home for years - it creates an automatic imbalance in the relationship.

I’m sure I’ll now get loads of people saying they stayed at home and their relationships were fine and while I’m sure that’s true in some cases, I’ve seen too many relationships struggle when one person earns all the money and the other all the domestic stuff.

Thats not true. He is refusing to parent his own children at night ir weekends. That is wrap around care.

@faerietales totally agree I’ve always worked full time

He’s not refusing - he’s doing it. He’s even finishing work early to do it. What OP does say is that he doesn’t like doing it and doesn’t think he should have to do it.

Usually people on MN are hounding SAHP to get a job and stop relying on their partner for financial support, what will they do if they relationship breaks down etc.
Starting a business does take time but if you have a solid business plan and can afford as a family to get it off the ground then I don't see why he shouldn't support you as you have done him.
The fact that he feels he makes more money so shouldn't have to give more support to the household would annoy me massively tbh.

He has been supporting her. He finishes his paid job early so she can work, and solo parents for a full day at the weekend so she can work. He paid for a course for her to study. He even pays for a cleaner despite all their kids being in school and OP having six hours a day to herself.

How much else do people think he should do?

@faerietales I do think the cleaner is taking the pee somewhat- but maybe he’s a Nellie neat freak and it was his suggestion as they don’t have the same standards -

Maybe. I guess my point is that he’s not exactly doing nothing - he’s working full-time to support his family, finishing early to accommodate his wife’s new passion/business (and doing bedtimes alone as a result) as well as doing a full day solo parenting each week.

On the other hand OP is a SAHP to school aged children, has 5/6 hours a day to herself during the week as well as a cleaner, and is now taking herself off for an additional 12 hours a week to work on a business that’s not making the family any income.

If I was in the DH’s shoes I would not be impressed.

Yes. And those compromises would include working around school hours wherever possible to make the most of existing free time and existing paid for domestic help. Particularly as said work is not generating any income at all. Alternatively taking a ‘second job’ in those hours to fund the non-profit making business rather than relying on your partner. He is her partner not an ATM, though doubtless he feels that way, and from the posts so far OP is dismissive of everything he does do to support her and their children and for her specifically - purchasing equipment, paying for courses, lightning the SAHM load with paid for domestic help, funding her business. OP’s contribution is to look after the children and moan about her husband as far as I can tell. Not really both making equal efforts here imo

No it is parenting. OP is also their parent and as a SAHM of school age children married to a partner who is working full time much of her role falls in the post school pre bedtime hours. Once the children are at school, and the cleaner has clocked on, as a SAHM what exactly is she doing all day? She doesn’t clock on until pick up.

Honestly an au pair could cover this with school age children. Breakfast, get dressed, school. Free Time Pickup, homework, supper, bath bed. He’s already paying for a cleaner, just up the hours. Would probably be cheaper than de facto funding a non profitmaking startup. I’d probably look at getting an au pair in now if only to stop the whining.

He’s not doing it. One evening and part of a weekend is not doing that.

It’s up to three evenings a week and half of the weekend - on top of working full time to support the family while OP has six hours a day to herself!

But not apparently when OP Is said to be providing wrap around childcare for her husband. For her own children.

Well at least we agree on a need for compromises!!