Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

It looks like it's time to get a real job and earn some money.

Your odds at becoming a successful photographer in this economy are dismal. I know professionals who had their own studios and big portfolios that are looking for work. Unless you're a nepo baby, they seem to be getting hired.

Do you have a business plan?

Absolutely. The attitude of the DH here is awful, and I'd think the same if the sexes were reversed. If they were both working full-time, would he still absolve himself from housework and parenting because he earns more?? That's not ok, it's an outdated sexist viewpoint.

Did you read the thread on MN the other day, similar situation kind of, one parent refused to parent or do housework on her annual leave. That was a woman and I sure thought she was awful too.

Your DH is a lazy twat, Who doesn’t want your business to succeed.
If he valued you, he would step up willingly
Being a SAHM Is hard work and invaluable contribution to the household imo

you are not using the DH for childcare. He is their parent!! It's not childcare, it's parenting. You don't get days off from it. You have a cleaner so presumably he just needs to make food for himself and his children.

If you went back to a FT job then he would also need to look after his own kids. He doesn't get time off.

Your getting some slack on here, however the reality is, even if you went out to work full time
externally earning a good salary, your husband would still struggle to adjust. Once they are accustomed to doing less, it’s hard to transition

I worked part time for 8 years before going full time 2 years ago. I had done pretty much everything in the home and I tried to ensure it transitioned as close to 50:50 as possible. I’d say it’s still at least 70:30. Our relationship has come to breaking point and still teeters on the edge at times. It’s a hard road reversing someone back to being an adult who can run a home after they’ve got use to not doing it

I’m sure I’ll get jumped on for this as well, but as OP doesn’t work at the moment (as she doesn’t bring in an income) and her kids are in school, plus they have a cleaner, I’d say all he should be doing when he gets home is childcare. Everything else should easily be covered in the 30 hours a week she currently has to herself.

Yes, his attitude isn’t great but honestly I don’t think OP’s is either. If you want to start a business and change the status quo then the decent thing to do is discuss it first, not decide that you’re doing X and expect the other partner to just lump it.

I honestly don’t think everyone would be as supportive if it was a SAHD going off to do a hobby business and leaving his wife to pick up the slack.

I did read it, and it’s nothing to do with what’s happening here.

What slack? OP is still doing the majority. DH just has to occasionally parent his own children at the weekend.

OP has supported him with his career, now it’s his turn.

The slack being the 12 hours of domestic stuff he’s now having to cover to accommodate his wife’s hobby while not getting the equivalent to himself.

I’m really not convinced everyone would be this supportive if OP was working and supporting the whole family and had to finish early to accommodate her partners hobby 2-3 times a week.

I’m assuming the pair of you discussed the business plan projected turnover and projected time to profit so none of this is a surprise to him and he was fully onboard? Do you have external backers or is he funding your startup? If he is funding this, with no idea of what the actual business plan is, it is affecting your family finances and your time together I can see why he would be frustrated. If on the other hand he knew exactly what he was signing up for and family finances are not impacted and he is now back tracking, that’s a very different scenario

Do you realise how derogatory you're being continually calling OP's fledging business a "hobby". I too run a small business that isn't quite in profit at the moment and I can assure you it very much is a business, not a 'hobby'.

Thankfully, I have a supportive husband who recognises my business as a job.

Out of interest OP , I work in music -why aren’t you turning a profit - photography is not a business that has huge amounts of upfront and ongoing costs once you have the relevant equipment . Are you actually doing commissioned jobs ( photoshoots, weddings, occasion photography etc ) or just going out taking pictures and hoping for sales? I’m a bit baffled if you are out so much why you aren’t making money - not being dismissive by the way , as a lot of women on here don’t like it if you are actually doing something fun and interesting and think you should be out there working in Tescos or cleaning toilets for it to be a ‘real job’ , however I am curious why you aren’t making money .

Normally I’d agree, but in this case it’s not a business. It’s freelance photography. It’s a market saturated with other hobby photographers just like the OP that would love to make a few pounds from it. And in the current economic climate, with the other spouse making enough to sustain the household plus a cleaner etc, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to be unhappy about it.

Your odds at becoming a successful photographer in this economy are dismal.

This.

It's a classic hobby job that's never going to make any money.

My sympathy is 100% with DH on this one. I'm sure if the OP got a paying weekend job DH would be only too happy to spend time with the kids while she brought in some money. But engaging in a hobby, dressing it up as a job while he has to subsidise losses would stick in my throat a bit too.

He is fully funding her yet to turn a profit business and she has massively reduced her contribution to the household which he is also fully funding. That is not unsupportive.
In addition the OP is talking about her ‘business’ in a way that suggests an alarming lack of planning and making delusional comparisons with Amazon and Facebook. I would be concerned and frustrated as her partner too.

This is my question as well, having known lots of photographers over the years

It's telling that all OP's friends think she's BU, presumably they know the details we don't

The point was that up until now OP was a SAHM - Hubby Financial provider. Now OP wants to change her current responsibilities without taking on financial responsibilities that would ease the financial burden on her hubby giving him more free time to spend at home. In fact she has increased the financial burden by becoming a non profitable start up. As the primary earner in my house I too would be pissed if my partner was this financially irresponsible.

No, she hasn't "massively reduced her contribution to the household", she's still doing the most of the household and parenting according to her OP. Yes, he's financially supporting the household, but he's not being supportive of her fledgling business. Businesses take a while to get off the ground, something many on this thread can't seem to fathom.

The man is literally complaining about parenting his own children and doing some housework in his own house. Can you not see how ridiculous that is? At what point is it actually ok for OP to have her own business? How much profit does she have to make before people will actually see her husband for being unreasonable? Because it all seems to be about £££'s according to most on here.

What have we become when marriages are no longer about teamwork and supporting each other? It's just about who earns the most does the least housework and parenting, it seems.

I’m a bit baffled if you are out so much why you aren’t making money - not being dismissive by the way , as a lot of women on here don’t like it if you are actually doing something fun and interesting and think you should be out there working in Tescos or cleaning toilets for it to be a ‘real job’ ,

Cleaning toilets or working in Tescos are real jobs that bring in real money.

It's been notoriously difficult to make even wedding photography pay for at least the last 10 years or so. There are few/no barriers to entry and a vast number of hobbyists chasing the business who are willing to work for peanuts becaise they enjoy it.

Like looking after his own children and cleaning his own house? The horror.

OP is trying to build a business. She isn't flouncing off to golf or football for a jolly and then doing fuck all when she gets back which is often the case in opposite scenarios.

I don’t understand why OP is getting a hard time, what is wrong with Mumsnet? She has taken care of their kids to allow her DHs career to progress without interruption. Now she is asking him to do slightly more around the house so that she can get her own career up and running and in the long term be less dependent on him financially. She’s not asking him to remortgage the house to bankroll it, she’s asking him to watch his own children a couple of times a week.

Dont listen to these twats OP. Speak to your husband, decide together on a cut off point after which you need to be profit making with this venture and if it doesn’t work be realistic. He needs to let you take a decent punt at it!

Do you have an actual business plan, backing and separate finances for your business? I’m at a loss why you would pitch for funding without including salaries and operational costs in your costings. Or is your partner expected to be footing the bill? If you know when you are expecting to break even have you told him? Or are you expecting him to fund this indefinitely?

You’re being very unreasonable. If a woman posted on here saying that as the main breadwinner married to a SAHD, she was suddenly expected to come home early 2 days a week and have all the household and parenting responsibilities 1 day a week too, as well as earning all of the income, people would be calling the man a cocklodger.

As a SAHP your husband’s career needs to come first whilst your work isn’t making a profit. One of the trade offs is that the breadwinner doesn’t need to worry about making it home for school pick up or taking a day off when a child is sick.

It doesn’t sound like your business is working for family life. I’m all for getting people back to the workforce but a business that takes you away from the family for 12 hours a week during evenings and weekends, is too much based on your current circumstances. You need to do the work during school hours. If the business isn’t compatible with this then it’s not compatible with your life.

It’s not about your husband being unable to look after kids for those 12 hours. He sees the current balance in your relationship / family being unfair, with him having to do much more than you to keep the family going. I’d agree with him.

What funding do you think is required? There is equipment which I procured over the years. I am working hard to increase my brand and profile, I am trusting a specific sector which I have contacts and some experience with.
It’s a slow burn, it’s not something that will happen overnight.

@dreamingbohemian thing is I’m all for this - but as a money making hobby - if it’s not making money why is this? It’s not like building an app or something you sell on that requires 10 months of ‘paid development’ - it’s a fairly low barrier to entry without masses of up front costs.