Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

But your argument is entirely flawed because you’re determined to see a woman as a victim.

Both OP & her husband have had a responsibility to their family, she’s been doing the childcare, he’s been earning the money. Why should one of them get a chance to do what they “love” and not the other? If OP can decide she no longer wants to do the childcare and go back on her side of the deal, then her husband is equally able to decide that actually he’s done being the sole provider and wants to take a step down at work.

The fact remains that anybody who makes unilateral decisions on things which impact the whole household is being very unreasonable.

All of this. Every. Last. Word.

It’s mad to me that so many women think it’s fine if a man’s only contribution to domestic life is a wallet.

It’s mad to me that any sane healthy person would think it’s okay for any one party in a marriage to unilaterally decide to do something that directly impacts the other person without their input in that decision.

@Mrsttcno1 that’s not the same scenario - she wasn’t working - so presumably you would disagree with a poster who wanted to go to the gym a few hours a week or visit her mother on a Saturday leaving him in charge because ‘it’s not making money’ - she didn’t have a money earning job before- she hasn’t put them in a worse financial position - just the same one and he’s having to step up a bit with looking after his kids or a bit of housework -

The only impact she is asking for, is for him to be a husband and a parent.

Whatever the reason, OP still supported her OH career though and it’s not unreasonable to expect her partner to return the favour. I mean they are his kids also and if he is available at the weekend/evenings then why shouldn’t he chip in? Also, my understanding of being a SAHM is that it’s still a job frequently with no end time either so as OP says she’s still doing most of the kids and household work.

Where have I said I see her as a victim?

Why are you making things up?

I see her as a woman who wants her husband to contribute the barest amount to their domestic life and the overgrown manchild she married is throwing a tantrum because he wants his wallet to be where his contribution to home life starts and stops.

And a bunch of deranged PPs saying SHE is the problem.

Madness.

It is not unreasonable for her to ask her husband and father lf her kids to actually be a husband and father.

Your friends (and people above) who are saying that are no doubt thinking of it as a hobby as everyone does which is hilarious given that some of the biggest companies in the world started in people’s homes.

A business is not the same as a hobby, it is a business the second you decide you’re going to sell whatever you’re working on. If you had a shop that wasn’t making money would people tell you it wasn’t a business?

I had similar here op with writing. I self publish rom coms that make a small bit but not enough to touch bills so everyone saw it as a hobby until I started making a bit more. It was sad then how the same work I’d done before was now seen as applaudable!!!!

Now I am working in retail too the comments do sometimes come that my salary is only a back up salary and we couldn’t survive on it anyway. Horrible that people feel the need to put people into categories like that and say ‘no you need to do more at work because I don’t feel you’re equivalent to me’.

I think you need to have a big talk but I do agree that you can’t really insist, you both need to come to a compromise

Waft about 🤣

God forbid a wife expects the man she married to actually be an active father and husband.
The humanity!

(Also note, she is not asking much more than that he cooks from time to time and runs the household on a Saturday or Sunday. Which he should be doing even if she is a SAHM.)

And if you actually read what I wrote, I didn't say anywhere that it isn't work. Although it isn't. Everyone has to keep their house tidy and cook, irrespective of them having a job.

What i said is that she didn't do it to support his career. She did it because she wanted to. That it was helpful for his career is an aside. But also he'd have just outsourced those things in the same way lots of people do.

I thought we were supposed to be lifting women up, but I guess the OP should get her ass back behind that kitchen sink because she's not bring the money in..

OP, know your place. You're not allowed to attempt to improve yourself, or your prospects. Get back to watching the kids and mopping the floors why don't ya. Oh, and don't forget to have your husbands slippers warming by the fire and his dinner on the table when he gets in from his hard graft. After all, looking after kids isn't hard work at all.

You literally wrote “you were a SAHM because you did not want to work.”

It is work. It’s just unpaid.

At what point did you agree to be a servant if he pays the bills?

It’s all about contributing one was at work making a finical contribution the other at home was making an equal contribution by running the home
now one is still providing for the entire family and picking up a share of running the home the other is doing a chunk of running the home but not contributing financially it does depend if the business is ever going to to be able to make a contribution to the household

But now you’re the one making it all about finances, when your argument is that the money shouldn’t matter.

They both had a responsibility to the household, his was financial, hers was practical, call that 50:50.

My husband would be happy to financially support our household if I wanted to be a SAHM, there would be benefits there for him in that I’m saving childcare money, I’m saving him from having to take sick days whenever child is poorly, use annual leave for inset days, parents evenings etc, it’s the trade off. But would he happily fund the household so I could do hobbies? Nope, and I wouldn’t expect him to. There is a trade off when you have a SAHM, one does more financially while the other does more practically. Why would anybody want to do both?

It will be a viable business. It’s very competitive but lots of people manage to make a very good living.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days

This is the crux.

I have some sympathy with him. You have a hobby job that's costing the family time and money and he's having to do more to make it happen.

If the business is on the cusp of making serious money then YANBU. If it's a hobby job selling tat at craft shows that's never going to be worth the effort then YABU.

I suspect the latter, and I don't blame DH.

Look at it as percentages.

While she’s a SAHM I’d call that 50/50, one picks up the finances, one picks up the practical. At the point OP is doing a hobby, bringing in £0, and requiring him to also do the practical bit those scales have tipped. Now it’s 70/30, and without his agreement, that’s not fair.

Hence my saying if it’s earning money, it’s still fair. It’s 50/50, she’s doing less but she’s also bringing in financially.

This is ridiculous - as a SAHM you are responsible for kids/house while the husband is working, but at weekends all of that should be split 50:50. He should be doing it anyway, regardless of if she is bringing money in.

Why do you think she was a SAHM “because she wanted to”

Where have you read that? As opposed to a decision made by the couple for the benefit of their household at the time?

He wouldn’t have been able to outsource anything. He would still need to share in cooking or manage the household on the odd weekend.. Few people outsource all of that.

But would he happily fund the household so I could do hobbies?

Luckily for me, when I was a SAHM for 10 years, my husband funded the household AND my hobbies which eventually allowed me to open a not for profit business teaching kids martial arts.

I expect because my husband isn't an arse and wanted me to be happy. I'm sorry that your husband wouldn't be the same..

Most people don't say they were fortunate to be able to do something if they didn't want to do it and then further justify doing.

So that.

When is her time, is it whilst they’re in school? Her DH seems to think that time is also for domestic labour, given he wants to do 0, so her only time is the scraps left after she’s met everyone else’s needs which is ridiculous.

Her FT job is stay at home mum (50-60 hours max) and everything else is their joint responsibility including weekends, etc. If she wants to use some of her free time on the weekend for her business or she can’t meet everyone’s needs within 50 hours, he needs to step up.

God come on, if you have school age children then of course you have plenty of free time during the week. Between the hours of 9 & 3 your time is entirely your own, and that is absolutely your downtime.