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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward shopping trip with MIL

395 replies

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

OP posts:
kkloo · 21/04/2025 15:58

CiscoTS · 21/04/2025 02:21

It was seven months ago, not a few. And @Blackdow was absolutely right. It’s fine for now as it’s still early days, but it’s not something that can be ignored forever and it will get worse the longer it’s left.

Seven months is plenty of time to get back into some sort of sex life (albeit perhaps sporadic as it can be with young children) and the fact this hasn’t happened in any way yet, and she’s not keen, suggest a far deeper issue. She has admitted this - a confidence issue, and this won’t go away on its own.

Perhaps some form of counselling will be needed in the future.

Show quote history

The far deeper issue is probably the fact that he hasn't been patient, she hasn't had penetrative sex but she's done other things to try to satisfy him. Maybe she didn't want to or wasn't ready for that either but did it because she felt obligated. Doing that kind of stuff can delay her libido returning.

It won't help her confidence either knowing that he is ok with her doing sexual acts or having sex when she doesn't want to. It will be difficult for her to feel confident about herself and her body and her sexuality with a partner like that. Women generally need a partner that they trust sexually in order to feel relaxed and confident.

She probably will need counselling in future to undo the damage that her partner caused, particularly if he's going to keep up this crap. He on the other hand should attend immediately so that he can learn to be patient and stop trying to coerce his wife into sex by getting the whole family involved.

outerspacepotato · 21/04/2025 16:08

My mouth dropped open reading your first post.

Your husband is gabbing and complaining about your sex life to his mother and sister. That is some awful enmeshment and violation of your privacy. He's using his female relatives to pressure and coerce you into sex. What a giant turnoff.

I just don't think I could get past this ever.

ItGhoul · 21/04/2025 16:16

CiscoTS · 21/04/2025 02:21

It was seven months ago, not a few. And @Blackdow was absolutely right. It’s fine for now as it’s still early days, but it’s not something that can be ignored forever and it will get worse the longer it’s left.

Seven months is plenty of time to get back into some sort of sex life (albeit perhaps sporadic as it can be with young children) and the fact this hasn’t happened in any way yet, and she’s not keen, suggest a far deeper issue. She has admitted this - a confidence issue, and this won’t go away on its own.

Perhaps some form of counselling will be needed in the future.

Show quote history

Yes, seven months is a long time (although that’s only for penetrative sex; she’s still been ‘seeing to him in other ways’ apparently). But also understandable given what the OP’s been through. And in any case, that isn’t the issue here: the issue here is that her husband has been sharing the details of how often he gets a shag off his wife WITH HIS MOTHER and she has taken it upon herself to make sure her daughter in law opens her legs for him.

Finding it difficult/scary to have penetrative sex again for a long time after giving birth = a fairly common thing that can happen to a lot of couples

A man complaining to his mother (and sister apparently?!) that he hasn’t been allowed to put his dick inside his his wife and conspiring with them to get them to make sure he gets to do it soon = not fucking normal or OK or healthy in any way whatsoever and DEEPLY FUCKING WEIRD

PhotoFirePoet · 21/04/2025 17:48

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 12:04

He told his mum to take tell you to have sex with him. That’s what it boils down to.

I don’t agree with the previous poster who said he told her to buy you clothes which cover your post baby body. He isn’t the one with the issue with your body, he doesn’t want it covered up. You have an issue with your new body and he probably thinks that you’d be more comfortable if you could keep your stomach covered. I think that’s the only part of this that isn’t gross; he was thinking about trying to make you feel more comfortable and thought if you had new underwear that covered you, then you wouldn’t feel as self conscious.

Please don’t misunderstand me; he was wrong. It’s all so totally wrong. He told his mum about your sex life, then he told her about your insecurities, then organised for her to take you lingerie shopping for things which would cover your stomach in the hopes you’d wear it and then feel comfortable to have sex with him. He didn’t sit down and talk to you like an adult and find a way through this, he arranged for his mum to make this really awkward situation.

It was all wrong. But, the underlying issue… you won’t have sex with your husband. He didn’t agree to a sexless marriage and no one should stay in one unless it’s a choice they have made. That doesn’t really apply yet as you’ve just had a baby so it’s not that situation, but you don’t want it to become that situation. How is intimacy otherwise? Are you working back towards being close together again? Is there touching and kissing and kindness and everything else? It is a problem and it does need to be addressed for a happy marriage, you can’t expect him to simply accept this and carry on without a word. That doesn’t mean have sex with him. It means communication and finding a way for you both to be comfortable and for things to start back up again in some way, or you may be having a very different discussion in a year’s time.

This

GabriellaMontez · 21/04/2025 17:48

That would be the last shopping trip we went on. Ever.

Festivespirit85 · 21/04/2025 17:53

Olika · 20/04/2025 11:54

Well I would not be having sex with my DH any time soon after that stunt. It would be such a mood killer for me. Yack!

Yeah my vagina would have closed itself immediately.

exaltedwombat · 21/04/2025 17:53

So YOU gave embarrassment about your stomach as the reason for not wanting intimacy? They suggested a solution? Just so we’re clear.

JayJayj · 21/04/2025 17:55

I hate how some men are when it comes to sex. My daughter is 2 and half. And it’s only been these last couple months that I’ve actually got my sex drive back and awe are now having some “normal” amounts of sex. Before that it was maybe once every 1 or 2 months.

My husband would clearly have wanted more but he never once has complained about it.

TheCrowFliesWest · 21/04/2025 17:56

exaltedwombat · 21/04/2025 17:53

So YOU gave embarrassment about your stomach as the reason for not wanting intimacy? They suggested a solution? Just so we’re clear.

It’s none of the MILs business! And he is moaning to his mum. And trying to pressure her.

wrong. Plain and simple.

Flossy1985 · 21/04/2025 17:58

OP I am feeling exactly the same as you! 7months on almost, traumatic birth and feel so uncomfortable with my body I’m struggling. I do get intimate with partner but not so much as before baby. I know he is frustrated by it but he understands how I feel too and he does try to reassure me everyday. It’s so hard to come to terms with new shapes and sizes.
if my MIL did this to me I’d be saying something that is so rude and can make you feel worse..

Daftypants · 21/04/2025 18:00

That is really very inappropriate of him and his mother !!!!
Does he do his fair share of chores , does he cook a meal sometimes , does he look after the little one so you can relax or have time for yourself ( without him complaining and expecting anything)
Because if he doesn’t do that and respect what you’re doing looking after your baby then how in the hell is a cute lingerie set going to get you “ in the mood “

HBiz · 21/04/2025 18:11

He’s been working hard and he deserves this????

OH HELL NO

That is insanely creepy and is a huge red flag for the nature of their relationship/conversations. MIL has taken you out shopping with the goal of getting her son laid. GRIM.

I’d call them both out on their gross behaviour and refuse to see her alone again

Teddybear23 · 21/04/2025 18:14

That would be the end for me ☹️

Pessismistic · 21/04/2025 18:15

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

I get he might be frustrated but he seems to be discussing your sex life with anyone who will listen. That’s horrible of him and will be putting you off even more. You need to tell him to stop disrespecting you and things will get back on track when your ready I just hope he’s not the type to stray. If he keeps blabbing someone will eventually suggest it.

Festivespirit85 · 21/04/2025 18:16

He's obviously been whinging to mummy, SIL, unless the nosey bat has been gossiping to her, and his friends! Honestly, I wouldn't want to be intimate with him ever again. He's crossed a line. He is not thinking about his own wants. He can use his hand instead of wanting to use you as a toy.
What's he been doing to make you feel more confident? Has he been pulling his weight? How has he been meeting your emotional needs?

grownuplefthome · 21/04/2025 18:18

YANBU I would be livid.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 21/04/2025 18:18

Talk about a passion killer! 😳

Perhaps you should send him out shopping with your dad who could advise him on suitable attire to get you in the mood. A pinnie, rubber gloves and headscarf 😂

GirlWithTheRedScarf · 21/04/2025 18:18

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

I’d be truly mortified 😳 how awkward op!
a lines been crossed. MIL should have not in any way been involved with her son and yours sex life. I would never go shopping with her again. Totes cringe!!

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 21/04/2025 18:21

Omg. My first gut reaction to this was “Ewwwwwwwww!”
Honestly that is so gross. I can’t imagine my MIL even considering my sex life with DH let alone talking to me about it!

Moll2020 · 21/04/2025 18:27

He told his Mum about your sex life? That’s a massive mistake, shame on him and MIL. MIL should never have got involved.

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 18:28

Is he not meant to have sex for the rest of his life? He should be patient & understanding, sure, but it’s a 2-way process- the OP needs to communicate with him & meet him halfway. Otherwise he’s going to cheat/they will split up/they will stay together in an unhappy marriage with a build up of frustration & resentment

9YearsOfPain · 21/04/2025 18:29

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 18:28

Is he not meant to have sex for the rest of his life? He should be patient & understanding, sure, but it’s a 2-way process- the OP needs to communicate with him & meet him halfway. Otherwise he’s going to cheat/they will split up/they will stay together in an unhappy marriage with a build up of frustration & resentment

She is meeting him half way.

Bobafett2020 · 21/04/2025 18:32

Your H with assistance from his mother is attempting to sexually coerce you. If you gave into this and had sex to keep the peace that would be non consensual. I would be informing them both of this and sharing a description of sexual coercion from a domestic abuse website. What an odious pair.

kkloo · 21/04/2025 18:35

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 18:28

Is he not meant to have sex for the rest of his life? He should be patient & understanding, sure, but it’s a 2-way process- the OP needs to communicate with him & meet him halfway. Otherwise he’s going to cheat/they will split up/they will stay together in an unhappy marriage with a build up of frustration & resentment

The rest of his life??
She only had a baby 7 months ago.
Absolutely no reason to catastrophise and exaggerate.

And she has been meeting him halfway, it's not enough for him and he went and got his whole family involved. Sad bastard.

If he cheats with such a young baby at home then it would be no loss to the OP and she'd be better off without him.

Do you think their marriage is likely to be any happier or have better longevity by him pushing her into sex before she's ready?
She'll probably end up hating sex or developing a sexual aversion. Then he'd be moaning that she isn't enjoying it enough, I wonder what mummy would suggest for that one.

If he wants to have sex again then he's going the wrong way about it completely. If he doesn't have sex again for the rest of his life it will be his own fault.

TheTavern · 21/04/2025 18:35

Dunno which is worse-that he asked her/confided in her or that she agreed, probably him opening his big mouth about something so personal. Pretty unforgivable if you ask me.