Page 14 | Awkward shopping trip with MIL

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 22:02

Bobafett2020 · 21/04/2025 21:49

Oh its hilarious isn't it, sexual coercion

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If you want to wilfully misunderstand, go for it 👍🏽

Charlotte244 · 21/04/2025 23:37

What the actual? Can’t believe I just read that! Your husband is a dickhead and his mother is the reason why.

kkloo · 21/04/2025 23:37

Mervyco · 21/04/2025 21:07

I think it is wonderful that your MiL is so close to you that you go shopping together and she could try and help you get married life back to where it was before your baby
Your husband has shown that by wanting to be intimate with you, he does not care about your body shape, you are still the woman he loves and wants to make love with,
The problem is with you. Your find your body no longer attractive and so you are pushing him away. Perhaps your have PPD and need to speak to your GP about getting some medical help.
If you keep pushing your man away, you may find that one day, he stays away. And then you will not have to worry about the stomach, as he will be sharing someone else's bed, and then no one will see it.
Your MiL was acting out of concern for you both.

A wonderful MIL would have told her son to be patient.

He's not showing that he wants to be intimate with her, he's showing that he doesn't care whether she wants to have sex or not, he wants to put his penis inside her and enough is enough so she should get back to it.

It's not sexy, it's not loving and it's not romantic.

One of the best ways to create a permanent dead bedroom is to push a woman into having sex before she's ready after having babies.

The problem is with you.
There are plenty of men who are happy to be patient, and who would never want to have sex before their partner was ready. They certainly wouldn't go crying to their mothers looking for her to intervene. I'd say the husband has a fairly big problem that he needs to work on himself.

Perhaps your have PPD and need to speak to your GP about getting some medical help.
There was a thread on here a while back where a man asked his partner to speak to the GP about similar and she sent her for counselling so she could learn to be more assertive saying no. I would hope her own GP would be similarly wise if she did attend and also express concern for her about her partner and MIL.

If you think it may be PPD then your post is awful, telling her she won't have to worry about her stomach when he's sharing his bed with someone else. It's also extremely worrying that neither the husband or MIL considered that or are concerned about that and the intervention was about getting her back having sex with her partner.

Alexaremovethenotifications · 21/04/2025 23:42

kkloo · 21/04/2025 19:53

Would you be seriously concerned if he had given birth to your baby 7 months ago and you knew that men going off sex for some time after giving birth to babies was normal and common?

Because that's very different to a husband just going off sex for 7 months for no good reason.

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I have several children of my own, with a close age gap, despite a complicated birth too. Spoiler alert - I didn’t go 7 months without sex.

This isn’t normal for any of my friendship group by their own admissions.

I had one friend who lied to her husband stating she was not able to have sex for a year because she had a c section. The penny dropped for her husband when I found out I was pregnant a year after having my first, and her eyes were burning holes into me. Why lie?

OPs husband is trying to convey his issue. She needs to have a conversation with him as to what she feels and he feels.

Id hate to be in this kind of marriage. They aren’t speaking to each other. If she isn’t interested in having sex again then she at least needs to tell him that. It’s naive to think when he’s confiding in his mum that there isn’t something else on offer.

Bobafett2020 · 21/04/2025 23:47

Would you explain to me exactly what you meant then if I misunderstood

kkloo · 21/04/2025 23:50

Alexaremovethenotifications · 21/04/2025 23:42

I have several children of my own, with a close age gap, despite a complicated birth too. Spoiler alert - I didn’t go 7 months without sex.

This isn’t normal for any of my friendship group by their own admissions.

I had one friend who lied to her husband stating she was not able to have sex for a year because she had a c section. The penny dropped for her husband when I found out I was pregnant a year after having my first, and her eyes were burning holes into me. Why lie?

OPs husband is trying to convey his issue. She needs to have a conversation with him as to what she feels and he feels.

Id hate to be in this kind of marriage. They aren’t speaking to each other. If she isn’t interested in having sex again then she at least needs to tell him that. It’s naive to think when he’s confiding in his mum that there isn’t something else on offer.

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Why do you think they haven't spoken to each other? There's no reason to assume that at all.

It doesn't matter if it's not normal in your own friendship group, it's a well known fact that for other women it can be very normal, it's not in any way uncommon, and you've said yourself you had one friend who lied to her husband that she couldn't have sex because she had a c-section, so that friend very much did not want to have sex, she should never have felt like she needed to lie anyway.

Mayana1 · 22/04/2025 02:34

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

My son is still little and although I'm hoping we will be very close when he is a grown up man, I never imagine discussing his sex life. This is not for a mother to interfere with or to know about it. And I would never discuss this with my MIL either, neither would my husband telling her. This is an intimate thing between partners, no matter what the situation is, you are not talking about it with your mother. Ewww.

Mayana1 · 22/04/2025 02:49

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 17:11

The first I believe.

MIL has made me feel a bit uncomfortable previously. On our wedding night, I was speaking with my friend and she came over and said ‘I hope you are creating me a grandchild tonight’.

Yesterday, she told me that my SIL/her daughter was ‘at it’ again just 3 weeks after giving birth. Difference being that my birth was traumatic with a fairly long recovery time.

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Oh my dear Lord! She even knows when her daughter is having it? Did you ask your brother-in-law how he feels about it his MIL knowing everything about his sex life? That would be IT for me. I would not be able to continue the relationship any longer. This woman sounds horrible.

Onceisenoughta · 22/04/2025 03:13

What kind of family are they fgs?

How old is MIL?
Jesus I'd go mental.
Plus all his friends know and none of them had to wait that long.
I suppose the neighbours are aware too.

Does he not realise that he's at the bottom of the list and this isn't going to get him anywhere, I feel so sad for you it's the last thing you need.

Does he have any plus sides to offer x

XWKD · 22/04/2025 03:26

You're uncomfortable about an area of your body, and she suggested you try to cover it up so you can be attractive? That's fucking nasty.

Jumpers4goalposts · 22/04/2025 05:51

This would give me a huge ick. I don’t think I could come back from. Please don’t feel pressured to do anything that is not right for you. Your DH sounds like an arse.

Shabzzz · 22/04/2025 07:07

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 20:04

DH hasn’t given much by way of explanation. He thought that I’d be comfortable with MIL trying to ‘help’ and that she did it from a good place. What I have since learnt today is that my SIL also put her up to it, so my DH has been sharing details with her too. She always points out how ‘perfect’ her birth was at any given opportunity so probably thinks I’m a right idiot.

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I'd call a meeting with all three and ask what other stuff was said behind my back. Ask if anyone else knew and invite them to the meeting. Stand and wait calmly for an answer and ask them how they would feel if you wentvand discussed with your family the intimate details of your bedroom life...

thepariscrimefiles · 22/04/2025 07:15

Alexaremovethenotifications · 21/04/2025 23:42

I have several children of my own, with a close age gap, despite a complicated birth too. Spoiler alert - I didn’t go 7 months without sex.

This isn’t normal for any of my friendship group by their own admissions.

I had one friend who lied to her husband stating she was not able to have sex for a year because she had a c section. The penny dropped for her husband when I found out I was pregnant a year after having my first, and her eyes were burning holes into me. Why lie?

OPs husband is trying to convey his issue. She needs to have a conversation with him as to what she feels and he feels.

Id hate to be in this kind of marriage. They aren’t speaking to each other. If she isn’t interested in having sex again then she at least needs to tell him that. It’s naive to think when he’s confiding in his mum that there isn’t something else on offer.

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OP hasn't said that she never wants sex with him again. They do have sexual contact, but OP doesn't feel confident enough to have full sex. However, surely you'd agree that the best way to make OP feel comfortable enough to do this isn't by discussing it with his mates, his mum and his sister and getting his mum to take OP shopping for sex clothes and telling her that her son 'works really hard' and so 'deserves' sex.

What he has done could end their marriage, not repair it.

99problems99 · 22/04/2025 08:31

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

Jesus I would be absolutely fuming!!! What a weird thing to do! If anything she should be more understanding of you than his ‘needs’. Men think with their dingalings most of the time, why is it just the woman who’s expected to dress up!! Annoyinggg. Tell MIL to do one nosy cow.

FABAND · 22/04/2025 08:57

I'd book another shopping trip with her. Make sure we went to all the boring beige old lady underwear. Guess her size as at least 3 sizes bigger. Chat on as if this is totally normal. Ask her about her and her husbands/ partners sex life.

When she is horrified and says " that's none of your business" say, exactly, and now you know how I felt. Walk off.

I'd also.take your hubby shopping to Ann summers for toys for solo play. Tell the assistant he got his.mum to try and buy underwear to get you in the mood, all in the interest of sharing your private life with people it has nothing to do with.

Not petty, but he needs to know his actions have consequences...

Bobafett2020 · 22/04/2025 10:09

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 22:02

If you want to wilfully misunderstand, go for it 👍🏽

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If you want to explain what I've missed go for it. As far as I can see you said everybody sexually coerces their partners, and it's actually quite funny and prudish if somebody calls it out.

Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 10:38

Not sure what I find most revolting. The fact your MIL suggested sexy underwear for you to wear so you can bang her son, or the fact your husband discussed his sex life with his mother. Both make me cringe!

I would be having very strong words with your husband OP!!

Caerulea · 22/04/2025 10:41

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 17:11

The first I believe.

MIL has made me feel a bit uncomfortable previously. On our wedding night, I was speaking with my friend and she came over and said ‘I hope you are creating me a grandchild tonight’.

Yesterday, she told me that my SIL/her daughter was ‘at it’ again just 3 weeks after giving birth. Difference being that my birth was traumatic with a fairly long recovery time.

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Right! Now I can confidently go back & vote you are definitely not being unreasonable!! Jfc

Brushyourtabletagain · 22/04/2025 11:17

To me it just sounds like he thought another woman would be able to help you choose something to feel good about yourself, but was possibly not knowing how to broach the subject without you getting more paranoid about your stomach.
I wouldn't be bothered at all, I really don't see the problem
It sounds as if she was just tryiing to help you get your confidence back, and enjoy some time with your husband.
Take it positively rather than negatively.

Brushyourtabletagain · 22/04/2025 11:19

Also, does she happen to be feom the same country as you? Sometimes mums get a lot more involved in different communities, in ways that we can see as too much, interfering etc.

ellyeth · 22/04/2025 11:44

I think, after a traumatic birth, it is often the case that women do not feel very inclined to want sex. On top of the possible injuries that may have occurred, there is obviously tiredness and sometimes anxiety about a number of baby-related issues. Then there can be a feeling that a partner will find you physically unattractive. Of course, it is fairly natural for a partner to want to resume their sex life but I wouldn't think it that unusual for a new mum to need several months before they feel ready. And being pressured, particularly in this truly horrible way, will make it an even less attractive proposition.

This man should certainly not discuss such personal issues with his family. It completely undermines his relationship with his partner. It demonstrates a total lack of sensitivity and loyalty.

I think what is needed in this situation is to act like a grown up and stop pressuring this woman. In my opinion, in this situation, what will really help this woman to relax is experiencing consideration and gentleness and feeling unconditionally loved.

UpMyself · 22/04/2025 12:31

Brushyourtabletagain · 22/04/2025 11:17

To me it just sounds like he thought another woman would be able to help you choose something to feel good about yourself, but was possibly not knowing how to broach the subject without you getting more paranoid about your stomach.
I wouldn't be bothered at all, I really don't see the problem
It sounds as if she was just tryiing to help you get your confidence back, and enjoy some time with your husband.
Take it positively rather than negatively.

What, you'd want tips from your MIL on how to look an feel sexy for your husband?
My MIL is a good laugh and I wouldn't mind, but I'd be furious of DP discussed my sex drive with his mum and sister.

FedupMumma25 · 22/04/2025 14:08

OP, message your MIL and say that you’ve had a re-think and would like her to help you pick some things out.

Then take her to an adult store, pick up a strapon and say, ‘well you did say DH is missing penetrative sex, do you think me fucking him up the arse will solve it?’

Retiredfromearlyyears · 22/04/2025 15:37

Oh dear! How inappropriate. He discusses his intimate life with his mother. They both agree to MIL helping you towards some sexy lingerie. She suggests alone time for you both.
Such a shame his mummy can't model the lingerie too. He wouldn't need you at all!
What an Insensitive man he sounds!

Playinwithfire · 22/04/2025 16:08

This has to be one of the worst things I have ever read on MN! Your husband takes the crown for the biggest douche bag EVER! Why does his needs trump yours? Where is his supportive nature? His other half to your half of the load?
Has he completely forgotten what you went through?

AND his mother!! How bloody awful is she!! I can't imagine how you even begin to process this, especially in the early days of having your little baby.

I'm so sorry OP, this is just crap!