Awkward shopping trip with MIL

[Harriett9]

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

Even if she did say that you don't go back to your mummy and get her involved in providing a 'solution', by getting her to bring your wife out lingerie shopping and telling her how hard you've been working. 😷

If the H is not happy to stay in the marriage he has every right to leave. He does not have the right to coerce somebody into having sex with him if they don't want to.

What they did: inappropriate. On several levels. As discussed above. Boundaries need to be drawn.

Post-delivery body changes can be tough to come to terms with. Many of us have lamented the loss of tone etc. that we're left with and feel self-conscious that no amount of weight loss or exercise makes any difference. On top of that, you have raging hormones and exhaustion. A lot of us also feel that we're already giving everything we can to the baby/family and requests/ demands for sex are one thing too many. Some women also come out of childbirth a different shape internally, to the extent that sex is unpleasant or painful. It is not discussed nearly enough beforehand or postpartum. It might be worth checking with a doctor if that is the case for you.

Reading your post, OP, I wonder if you are suffering from PND. It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy around your feelings about your new shape. You don't mention what your DH thinks or says about it but it may be that he accepts your shape and wants to get to know it again, without any of the negativity that you feel about it. Having sessions with him and your therapist might help both of you understand where the other is coming from.

I wouldn't see this as a marriage ki11er if a conversation or 2 about boundaries take place and your personal information is not shared with others in future, but I think you need therapeutic intervention if your sex life is to recover, one way or another. With him or without.

Best of luck for your future body image xx

I would be mortified!!

Op it took me a while to get a sex drive back after a difficult birth. I stopped breastfeeding around 9 months, went on the pill and didn't get a sex drive back until I came off the pill again and it came back with a vengeance, my child was almost 2. And I won't lie, during those 2 years my husband was very worried about the situation and feeling rejected and I took it as pressure, so was a testing time for our marriage. My drive now goes up and down with my normal monthly cycle and I don't take any hormonal contraception.

I would have been incredibly upset with the lingerie shop interaction with mil. Your sex life should be a personal thing between you and your husband and he has essentially opened it up to involve more people, which is not going to help you feel safe to have sex again.

He needs to know how upsetting the experience was for you, but (just based on my own experiences) maybe he also needs to know that you are still attracted to him and want to eventually get back to a more normal sex life. Just tell him to have those conversations with you instead of his mother and sister!

'MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.'

So, not only had he told her all about your sex life, DH and MIL must have pre-planned for you to visit a lingerie shop! The absolute bloody cheek of it. He should not be discussing private and intimate issues with anyone and they certainly should not be planning the purchase of anything like lingerie for you.

ick. ick. ick.
You need to set your DH straight in no uncertain terms: "I am not ready for penetrative sex. Complaining (to me, your family, or your friends) will not get me there faster. Nor will lingerie chosen by your mum. Please don't discuss our sex life outside the marriage again it is a betrayal of trust and inappropriate adult behaviour. Now let's have a conversation about the emotional and physical impact having a baby has had on me and what I need from my husband to get through this..."

How is she meeting him half way (genuine question) - looks like I missed that bit

She needs to fuck off and I would get a divorce. Pair of shits both of them.

Is he coercing her? I missed that bit. They need to communicate honestly with each other & work on a solution together

She said he is getting increasingly frustrated and me just seeing to him in other ways isn’t enough for him anymore and he says none of his friends had to wait this long.

Yes he is, he's moaning about it, he's trying to manipulate her by telling her 'but none of my friends had to wait' and he also okayed his mother bringing her out lingerie shopping to put pressure on her.

Not sure how you 'missed that bit' when the story in the OP is clearly coercion.

I missed that bit. By meeting him half way, I mean they need to communicate honestly with each other with a view to finding a solution together. Whether he should be or not, lack of sex 7 months later is clearly a big issue for him and it’s better to get it resolved one way or another, sooner rather than later

It could be resolved by him learning to be more patient.

He's now made it even more difficult for the OP and he needs to understand that.

If I were the OP I would be very clear that I wouldn't be rushed/pushed/coerced into having sex before I felt ready, and any solution wasn't going to involve me doing anything before I felt ready, because it would delay things, not speed them up. If that wasn't acceptable for him then I would deal with the consequences of the relationship ending because I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted me to have sex when I didn't want it anyway.

And I say that as someone who loves sex, but a man like that would turn me off him completely.

How do you know he’s “trying to manipulate her”? He’s clearly worried & has discussed his worries with people close to him with experience - isn’t it normal for people to do that when they’re worried about something, i.e the state of their marriage? Isn’t it healthier for people to talk? If your partner didn’t want to have sex with you for 7 months & there was no end in sight, wouldn’t you be upset & worried? Ofc OP is upset he has discussed with friends & mother, but that’s why they need to have an honest, open conversation about it, as I said in my previous post, to save him discussing his worries with them & her with us

My sex drive vanished for at least 18 months after each of my children were born. I turned into something of a prude about even talking about sex which was the polar opposite to how I was normally. I’m assuming it was my hormones but I didn’t feel comfortable until one day, suddenly, I did which I’m sure was very confusing for my husband!

OP - it’s your body and if you’re not comfortable yet then he needs to take the pressure right off until you are or it will last even longer. He has betrayed your trust by discussing things with his family that should be private between you and you need to be strong and explain exactly how this has made you feel. Make sure he knows that HE has created an issue that makes the likelihood of you making love anytime soon a complete no-go.

He is, it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not when the effect can still be the same, trying to put pressure on her by making out that none of his friends had to wait and so on.

If he's worried then why doesn't he go and educate himself. He clearly knows nothing about sexual desire or libido. He could do with educating himself and devoting his time and energy to that and learning why his behaviour is counter productive.

If my partner didn't want to have sex with me for 7 months and he'd just given birth to my baby then no I wouldn't be worried 😂 I'd be patient. If something else was going on that made him lose his libido for 7 months then I'd also be understanding and patient. If there didn't appear to be any reason for the drop in libido then yes I'd be worried.

And how do you think she will feel comfortable having an honest, open conversation with him about her body and libido when she knows he's already discussed these with his friends, mother and sister exactly?

What makes you think that she didn't discuss it with him before? Sounds like she has and he then went to discuss it with his mother etc anyway. How on earth is she supposed to feel safe to discuss things with him now after that breach of trust?

Yes, non violent pressure such as nagging, begging, etc are coercion

I didn't feel like being sexual at all with DH for over a year after giving birth, both times. And that was absolutely fine. Zero pressure from him and no expectation for anything sexual at all. That's how it should be. Your DH is selfish and his mother and sister are vile too.

I’d be a bit concerned as to why he has discussed this with his mum. Is it a crisis point in the relationship for him and she’s perhaps trying her best to help?

I would also hate this by the way. But seven months….if my husband didn’t have sex with me for seven months I would be very concerned. I appreciate we are all different but tapping out of all things sexual is massively rejecting.

probably need more background on the relationship as a whole to give accurate advice.

Would you be seriously concerned if he had given birth to your baby 7 months ago and you knew that men going off sex for some time after giving birth to babies was normal and common?

Because that's very different to a husband just going off sex for 7 months for no good reason.

Shop would be shut indefinitely

So, she needs to have a conversation with him to communicate that? Even better, they talk to each other and try to find a solution that works for both?

He talks about his sex life with his mum and then make you go shopping with her??????

😱

How does he feel, knowing she’s discussed it on MN with a bunch of strangers? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her or him discussing it - it’s natural
He should educate himself? How better to do that than her discussing her specific needs with him and vice versa?