To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

I don't even know if I have the energy for these threads anymore....you know he's a fucking joke, a lazy dickhead but yet YOU have willingly cleaned HIS flat for him.....

He kicked off and told YOU off....yet you are here asking if you are being unreasonable...Jesus Christ.

Sorry for quoting original post. Frustrated.

HE is not speaking to YOU? WTF

He isn’t a keeper. The rest is just noise.

Ultimately, he is happy living in a pig sty and will always be happy living in a pig sty. So he is NBU being resentful of your criticising him. You just need to decide whether you are happy living in a pig sty for ever more, or if not find someone else or accept you will always have to do the cleaning and can never complain. Given you are resentful now that feeling will only get worse.

Just dump him OP!! You’re young please don’t moved in and have kids with this man, he’s shown you who he is, lazy!! Of course he waits for Sundays to clean up as he has a willing volunteer who will help him!! Please move on, there’s plenty of lovely men, who aren’t slobs out there!!

@Heatabove So he says "how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat" to which your reply should have been "how dare you tell me 'let's do a big clean' when it's your fucking mess from the last week that I'm cleaning?!"
You haven't spoken since last Thursday. I would continue with that - for the next five decades at least ...

You won’t be able to have a “normal conversation” about it. He’s made it quite clear that this is his expectation of you. You dared to question why you’re expected to clean up his weeks worth of mess - look at his reaction?

What conversation are you expecting? Most decent people would be mortified if their partner called out their dirty living habits. But then most decent people don’t live like slobs & expect their visiting partner to clean their home, with a side order of being ignored if they complain.

Why don’t you think you deserve more than this in a relationship?

He's using you as a cleaner. Stop enabling him.

YABU for entertaining this shit.
He's filthy and not ashamed of it.
He's lazy and now knows you'll happily help him weekend after weekend.
He has no incentive to change when you're there mothering him.
Stop trying to fix grown men.

As @gamerchick says - this is your future if you hang on to him.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life skivvying for a lazy loser dump him now.
If it’s this bad now it’s gonna get a hell of a lot worse.

Ha! I just used ‘clatty’ the other day, it’s an expression I only ever heard in my Irish home town growing up.

OP - c’mon now. How you haven’t gotten the ick a long time ago is beyond me? The not wiping up a drink or mouldy burgers for weeks? I seriously could never fancy him again. Also can’t believe you fell for the “let’s get stuck in together” more than once, he absolutely knows he’s taking the piss and he doesn’t bloody care. Please reflect on that before you embark on another relationship. Guys like him hate good boundaries, which is why he’s so mad you’ve stood up for yourself

Do not have children with this man.

He's not talking to you because he's raging you've woken up to his little scheme. The state of him!

Outside perspective is: you deserve more than this. Don’t waste your life with someone who not only lives in a mess like this and doesn’t respect you enough to clean it for when you’re visiting but also goes in a strop when you ask them to sort it out. X

Please don't help him tidy up, you don't live there, why are you cleaning up his rubbish? He's a grown, adult man who lives alone, he can manage.

Of course you’re not wrong. You already do your own cleaning, and don’t ask him to help with that. It obviously struck a nerve, which is why he immediately went into attack mode.

If he doesn’t want to clean up after himself he needn’t, but then he’ll have to accept the consequences: you won’t do it for/with him, and you might decide you don’t want to spend time in such an unpleasant place ( or with such a slob).

A man with NO BOG SEAT is giving you the silent treatment because you don’t want to spend your Sunday cleaning his shit hole of a flat.
He is lazy.
Next thing it will be called women’s work.
FFS OP you are a bright young woman, well educated with your own lovely home.
Raise your bar, standards, self esteem and find a man WITH A BOG SEAT, and standards.
Because he has none. And you are allowing yourself to be walked over like a doormat he will never own.
And I’m going to quote a man similar this who wanted me to clean up after him. His words?
’Why have a dog and bark yourself, Peggy?’

Dump him. He’s a lazy pig. You will eventually become a mother to him. You are worth so much more than this.

Summed up nicely.

@Newmumhere40 another similar thread on where the OP has moved the slob in. And is negotiating a task list with him.
I think these men all have mums around my age.
My own dad wasn’t allowed to pull stunts like this and he was born during World War II.
It gets to the stage where you just want to weep. I like to think young women who could be my daughters, have moved way beyond this.
No bog seat and a messiah complex. I have my head in my hands….

I dumped an ex for behaving like this. He once wore swimming trunks as he’d run out of underpants and hadn’t bothered to wash his enormous pile of laundry. Do you want a man you can respect as an equal or do you want to look after a grotty scruffbag with no pride?

My sister is in a relationship with a guy like this. He has a professional job, very into his image but before they lived together she’d go round to his house and it was a tip. She’d end up helping him clean. Now they live together and although he thinks he contributes, he doesn’t really help clean and it’s a source of tension. It doesn’t tend to get better either.

He's carrying out auditions for a role, and you've just told him you're not the nanny with a fanny he's looking for.
You may as well bail now because this is not going anywhere you want to be.

It's everything to do with you if you're being asked to clean up
A year? That's still honeymoon period

So many red flags have sprung from this now, apart from the obvious in getting you to clean his flat.

+The way he spoke to you when you raised the issue

+Giving you the silent treatment

=total lack of respect and emotional maturity.

He's done you a favour not speaking to you for so long as it's given you time to process!