To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

It’s perfectly fine to break up on a phone conversation in a short term dating relationship. You don’t need anything from his house. You don’t need a long elaborate conversation. Why are you the one making all the effort again for someone who wouldn’t return the favour?

I'm so glad you've decided to end things. Imagine having the fucking cheek to get angry at YOU for not just compliantly cleaning his shit heap every weekend like a good little woman. Nope!

Considering how lazy he is, I would break up over text. He can’t be bothered to clean, why should do emotional labour for him?

Although you being classy is good for you. I suppose…

I wouldn't waste my time.

Call him. Don’t go round. You’ll be safe, you won’t have to listen to his whining, you won’t need to get up and leave - you can just put the phone down and block. Check on your safety. Alert your flatmate and family. What a loser he is expecting you to clean up his disgusting mess. Enjoy the free time you’ll have to meet new people, relax and enjoy.

He’s taking the piss out of you and treating you like a cleaning lady.

Do it on the phone
You can hang up when you want
If he’s been that nasty to you already you don’t need to put yourself through the things he could say to you tomorrow
You also don’t need emotional blackmail and false promises
You know you are right. Keep in control of this. Phone or text
And don’t back down

Do it by phone or email - he doesn't deserve an in-person break-up.

YANBU, but by helping him 'deep clean' every Sunday you are enabling his laziness. So either don't help him clean on a Sunday (just leave when he suggests it), or don't go round there at the start of the weekend unless it's tidy. Warn him in advance: "I'm not coming round unless you've cleaned your house up". Then if you get there and it's still a mess, just turn on your heels and walk straight back out. I'm sure he can manage to clean it up himself (as he was doing when you first started going round there), just that he's got a bit lazy. I wouldn't dump him yet, see if he can't manage to do that first.

If it's clean when you get there on a Friday, then it'll fair enough to help tidy up on a Sunday after you've both been there all weekend (obviously there won't be anywhere near as much to do).

But just how much mess can one person make in a week anyway, that his whole house needs deep cleaning every Sunday?

@Heatabove if you don’t want to break up by text or phone, is there any way you can meet somewhere neutral like a busy park or a coffee shop?

He seems a bit volatile, not sure if it’s wise to go around to his house. And again it’s you having to make yet more effort.

@altmember Well OP has already asked him to clean and that’s when he kicked off and told her to mind her own business before giving her the silent treatment. She gave him a chance to clean up his act - literally - and this is how he responded,

He has shown his true colours. Why do you think repeating herself will change the situation or why should she even have to?

He clearly has little respect or consideration for her so why should OP try and hang onto the relationship?

Op do you think it was ok for him to sulk for a few days then get in touch. I honestly wouldn’t make the effort tbh. He’s not worth it. I hope you don’t change your mind.

Get him out of your life and let him drown in a sea of rubbish and clutter.

Good decision op. Good luck with it.
Never thought of possession of a working bog seat as a requirement, but yep, there it is. A low bar.
Onwards and upwards.

What does his text say. I wouldn't go round, it won't matter if you text him to end it. Your safety must come first.

To be honest, maybe meet in public, somewhere quiet.

I hate to think of you going alone, people are so odd these days.

He was already unreasonable, when he was furious at your quite reasonable request, which he could and should have taken in good faith, laughed it off and agreed with you.

( looks like a lot of us have felt this too )

Probably says "I've cleaned. Want to come and check it out?"

Which is why she's insisting on going over (probably). I think she's going to get sweet talked and she'll find herself in exactly the same position six months later 😕

So when I dated my now ex husband he lived in a few shared houses. They were minging. The first one was all boys. But the second was mixed and they all had jobs. The girls were teachers. I couldn’t visit. I owned my own home at that point ans we took turns but on the end o refused to visit his. Once we lived together we mostly had a clean and tidy house. His side of the bed was always a mess. Clothes on the floor piling up. But he helped around the rest of the house. Fast forward we are divorced and have children who see him occasionally on a weekend. When I go to his the house is always a tip. My Dads bedroom is where he dumps things when he has company. The sofa is full of clean washing which never gets put away. The kitchen is full of dirty pots etc. The kids aren’t really keen on visiting much these days (teens).

What I’m suggesting is that this his how he will always be.

Just to point out - my flat when I live alone becomes a shit tip, but I scrub it when I have visitors or a partner. It's more that he doesn't care that it's a mess when she comes around that's the issue.

My house is unfortunately a depression mess, but I need, or get that shame with other people visiting.

@Heatabove I hope it goes well for you. A sensible decision, but still hard I'm sure. Best wishes. X

And what would happen if you went round and refused to do any cleaning, instead say to him,,, oh I see you have housework to do, I'll relax with my book on the sofa whilst you sort things out.

And what would happen if he went round to OP's and it was a mess, and she wanted him to help her clean it on Sundays?

Throw him back

🚩 🚩 🚩

He is cheeky to expect you to clean his flat! Bin him asap.

Please, please don’t go to his home OP.
He can get angry and it’s not safe.
At least if you need to see him, meet in public.
I would call him and tell him. He is not a kind man and doesn’t deserve your decency.
If it were me I would text him and block him.
Stop giving him so much power over you.