To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

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I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

Well now you have asked him and he has given you his response/reaction.
Perhaps time to move on?

You really don't need outside input, you know what your gut is telling you but don't want to listen to.

He's not the partner you want to share your life and children with. Ending the relationship is a few months of pain and the freedom to find the person you really like and feel comfortable with.

Why is depression such a go-to when it comes to men? It might explain why he lives in a shithole but it doesn't magically make you treat the woman in your life as a cleaner. Or then throw a strop to manipulate her.

Edit - sorry, I'm having a real issue with quotes disappearing. This was a response to someone, not a random plonked post.

He's leaving it so that you help him clean on a Sunday! Lazy pig.

If he's not prepared to make any effort at this early stage then that's all you need to know Op. He expects you to travel to him all the time, he's not prepared to make the place clean when you visit, in fact he's moved all cleaning to a day when your there to help. As MN often says - when someone tells you who they are, believe them - this is who he is, a man whose happy to live in squalor

Let's do a big clean my arse. If you want to stay with him (I wouldn't) next time you go round to his place refuse to go in if its messy. I don't think this relationship has legs though.

Throw this one back. You can do better.

' let's do a big clean '
I'll go home now and off you go,
every. single. time.

you are not there to clean for / with him, you don't live there

stop checking his fridge - he is an adult, the fridge is his
his problem his responsibility

The fact that he's been furious with you for making a very reasonable suggestion to him – ie not to put you on the cleaning rota for a property you don't even live in – should tell you everything you need to know: He doesn't like push-back from women.

And that's quite aside from the fact that he's got low hygiene/tidiness standards.

If you stay, neither of these things will change. They will become your norm, I promise you. Depends if you're up for that or not.

He asks his girlfriend to do a deep clean regularly when she’s the one making all the effort to travel to his. He doesn’t seem grateful about this and has blown up at her and resorted to anger/ DARVO (acting like he’s the victim) and freezing her out when she raised it as an issue.

What part of that is kind? And funny how he is not too depressed to clean when OP has to help.

Btw, many of us have struggled with mental health which may or may not affect our ability to keep our surroundings clean. However we would rather pay a cleaner to come round every week than subject our bf/gf to having to deep clean or spending time in a dirty place.

And if we did rope them into cleaning we’d at least be humble and show gratitude and not act entitled about it like OPs boyfriend has. Apparently it’s ok for him to enlist her help for deep clean, but how dare she ask him to do it himself!

Again - not kind or decent. OP - run!

Get him to hire a cleaner. Ultimatum time - a clean flat, or I walk. (Fast, OP, don’t look back.)

yep, I have a female friend whose flat is extremely messy - piles of unwashed dishes, overflowing sink, heaps of dirty laundry etc. she is naturally messy but depression has made it worse.

I’m not saying this to shame her, I do sympathise with her - but my point is that as messy/depressed as she can be not once has she asked a boyfriend to deep clean or even surface clean!

Her aunt occasionally comes over and offers but that’s completely voluntary and not a regular thing anyway.

Depression is no excuse for treating people poorly.

Please don't waste any more of your time with this man. It's only been a year so break it off as he has shown you who he is. He will not change and you have seen what you future could be like. At 28 years of age, you might be looking for a partner who you can build a life with and possibly even a family with. Picture yourself in his flat with a couple of kids. If you just can't then there is your answer!

I don’t think he is a keeper, he’s not making enough effort for you at all

bin him off and find someone better

Why would they share expenses? Does he pay for the deep clean service she is helping provide ?

It’s a minimum £50 for two hours cleaning round where I live and depending on how messy his place it might take more that. So I suspect OP is more than paying her way.

When he actually makes an effort to have the place clean and comfortable for her then maybe they can talk about splitting expenses - if any, because let’s not forget the expense of OP travelling to him.

And imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? He has a scruffy girlfriend and he’s expected to give up one of his (assumedly) only two days off to scrub the squalor you live in?! Ridiculous. He’s really using and disrespecting you by expecting this btw.
I would find this so unsexy that I wouldn’t want to do the deed 😕

This. What a fucking cheek - not only does he not care (for himself, for you ) but he expects you to clean with/for him every weekend? Unbelievable.

And I know it’s often quoted on here but honestly…. He is showing you who he is!

LTB.

This

I am quite messy. I hate repetitive tasks so cleaning is my worse nightmare. I will always clean and tidy if I think someone’s coming round though.

I don’t think it makes him a terrible person but I do think you are incompatible.

Ewwwww just no. Gross.
The fact that it's unthinkable the other way around says a lot. He would never spend his Sundays cleaning your week's mess.
Definately a time for "when someone tells you who they are, believe them".

Run for the hills..
This isn't going to get any better. He's a man child.

Get rid . He won’t change - you won’t want to live with him as you’d spend your life clearing up after him . Also he’s using you as a cleaner deliberately waiting until Sunday for the clean up . There’s no future so move on and do better for yourself !

He lives in a dirty flat, but when it suited him in the early days he cleaned it to impress you. He also keeps himself personally clean as that’s the image he wants to portray.

The reality is he now thinks he’s reeled you in sufficiently that he no longer needs to bother. Moreover you’re expected to clean up his mess at the weekend. It is an expectation because look at his reaction.

He’s not a nice man. Is this how you imagined your boyfriend would be when you were younger? He’s not speaking to you, so that’s easy, block him & walk away. The fact you’re checking your reaction, which is 100% reasonable, shows that he’s already starting to undermine your self esteem & values.

He is what my Nan would have called ‘Clatty’.
Having a dirty home environment is a huge turn off, and as for expectations of you helping him on a Sunday! He is cheeky beyond belief.

I am sure he is a professional person with clean clothes. He probably uses an ironing service.
Have you anything at his? If not, let him sulk as you have dodged a bullet there.

I wouldn’t get him to hire a cleaner. If he won’t keep the place clean, just walk! You say he showers and has clean clothes. That’s now. Many men who start this way become less bothered as they age.
He sounds a nightmare, and you sound deluded!

Thanks for the responses everyone. Since he isn’t talking to me right now it’s a good time to properly think things over.

It’s something that has been bothering me for a while but he made me feel like I should help him clean because I’ve been there since Friday evening and so we are cleaning “our mess” from the past few days before I go home. But it’s not the case at all, because I turn up Friday evening to a pig stye, and leave Sunday evening/Monday morning with a deep cleaned spotless house. Also I don’t even make any mess. It’s all his own things that I’m tidying. It suddenly hit me that I don’t have to put up with it but I thought we’d be able to have a normal conversation about it.