DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

[Caplin]

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

Not the point, I know, but for people asking

And when did people with ADHD fall down more?

ADHD is known to be linked with hypermobility and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hypermobility isn’t EDS but can be one part of it).

Because you say in your family this would not be a big deal

I’m asking because I’m curious as to whether your husband / DP (if a man) calls your daughter “a bitch” and how you feel about it?

It is very odd behaviour. He can't/won't apologise so stages a fall to divert attention/ get some sympathy. It's a very childish thing to do. Does he have form for this?

He has. They have also called him one. Maybe we're just weird but I guess what I am saying is - words take on a particular meaning in a particular context, and the intention behind them matters, as does the way they are received. In our house, the intention and meaning is taken communally as being jokey. We don't go round screaming 'BITCH' in an aggressive way. So I think tone, context etc mean a lot.

In this scenario, it HAS upset the OP's daughter, therefore I have said he should apologise. I am just saying, it might not have been cruelly meant - OP says the tone was jokey.

oh I recall your thread about your husband @DearBee . You have MUCH bigger issues to worry about than name calling

So there’s a point at which you think a 13 year old child is being ‘spiteful/bitchy’ enough to warrant her father to saying this to her? Wow.

Idiots can still have neuro problems or broken bones... I'd save your disdain to after he's had a medical work up....

An arse I knew of turned out to have a very rare, horrid neuro disorder.

PS he should apologise to your daughter too

What you actually mean is - you decided to do a little trawling to find something to bring up here. You didn't recall it at all. You're just one of those posters with nothing better to do with their time. I don't want to derail the thread as it's not my thread so... maybe reflect on why my comment here has triggered you and why you felt the need to go searching through my history. It's a bit sad really.

It's unhinged to assume people are faking injury or illness (especially when you don't actually know them).

If you think someone in your life really does fake illness and injury my only advice is to stay far away from them and definitely don't marry them.

Your thread was very long
very memorable
very disturbing

You disagree?

If you have been married 25 years, I assume he is mid 40s at least. I have never known a decent man that age to use the word bitch in jest or otherwise. Does he call you a bitch sometimes, is this sort of language common in your family?

Why does he fall a lot?

What's disturbing right here is that you're deciding to try and weaponise that against me when I posted that post in distress looking for advice. You have even brought it up in a frankly, bitchy way on another thread in order to derail. Why?

Ok I’ll leave thread and hide

but you came on this thread minimising a father calling his daughter a bitch and how normal in your family

But things are very distressingly far from normal in your family and you chose to omit that relevant fact

anyway, hidden

@AlertCat thank you for that info. I have a DD with hypermobility but fortunately she doesn't fall a lot and has a good sense of balance. However she has seen a physio who gave her a lot of core-strengthening exercises to do, so maybe that has helped.

Sorry, what? Am I supposed to bring it up every time I post?

Ok everyone. My brother in law is a paedophile and my husband didn't know how to tell me and massively fucked up by not telling me, because somehow he thought he himself could keep our daughter safe from him. We saw them very occasionally. We now don't see any of DH's family. I have no excuses for DH not telling me and it is still a source of pain and tension in my marriage.

Obviously every comment I now make on any topic should be preceded by this information because my family is totally fucked up.

Have just seen Dear Bee’s response. How unpleasant of you to bring up something totally unrelated as an underhand, personal dig at this poster (who has done nothing wrong).

Fucking hell that's really vicious, stalking another poster and invalidating what she says because she is related to a man who committed a crime.

seek urgent help @tooksometime

I'm struggling to understand what all the fuss is about unless there is a huge backstory here.

He said something a bit shit, jokingly. People make mistakes and say stupid things sometimes, with no intent to upset the other person. That's just life, people aren't perfect.

He tried to apologise but she walked off. He should have gone after her, I agree, but maybe he thought it would be better to let things cool down first. When you went in to talk to her you could have just reassured her he was being daft and didn't mean to upset her, but your response to her effectively implies he did.

I don't think she's learning she needs to go after a man for an apology, more that it is unacceptable and intolerable for someone she loves to make a mistake.

I hope you don't share your contempt for him over the stair incident with her, because that sort of thing can be very confusing for a child.

Same here. 13 year olds say far worse to each other in school. If I or DH had said that to dd at 13 jokingly she would have responded jokingly back. I'm not saying everyone should go round cursing their kids but as a one off, messing around in good spirits, i don't see a big deal at all. Certainly all this 'defining moment of childhood' from the OP seems absolutely ridiculous. The drama of it all makes me think the dad did not say it 'jokingly' at all

The falling down the stairs to get attention is sickeningly pathetic and I could not be with a man that acted like that. I'd have completely ignored him.

Back in the day, it was against Mumsnet rules to go dredging up previous posts from different threads.

Has that changed?

You both sound horrible!! Your poor daughter 😢

"He has form for dramatic falling"

What?
That is one of the strangest things I've read in mumsnet.