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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/04/2025 00:13

Mervyco · 21/04/2025 20:51

What a loving wife , you are not. OK, so he overstepped the mark with your daughter. But, he fell down the stairs and could have been seriously injured and your responce is "he is hamming it up".
Well get over yourself, He is your husband of 25 years. and whatever he said, they are just words and your reaction shows a serious lack of concern, for him. You should have put aside your anger and seen to his injuries, That was more important right now. If he had died, would you have said he was doing it deliberately so as not to have to apologise to your daughter?
I have had too much to drink, and I have said hurtful things to my wife, which was stupid and unnecessary, but she does not hold a grudge, forever, like you seem to do. If I had fallen down the stairs, it would have been forgotten until we could discuss it, another time.

You're hardly one to set yourself up as some sort of moral guardian, "I have had too much to drink, and I have said hurtful things to my wife"!!!

She should "bear a grudge"! She shouldn't have to put up with that crap!

thestudio · 22/04/2025 06:59

Mervyco · 21/04/2025 20:51

What a loving wife , you are not. OK, so he overstepped the mark with your daughter. But, he fell down the stairs and could have been seriously injured and your responce is "he is hamming it up".
Well get over yourself, He is your husband of 25 years. and whatever he said, they are just words and your reaction shows a serious lack of concern, for him. You should have put aside your anger and seen to his injuries, That was more important right now. If he had died, would you have said he was doing it deliberately so as not to have to apologise to your daughter?
I have had too much to drink, and I have said hurtful things to my wife, which was stupid and unnecessary, but she does not hold a grudge, forever, like you seem to do. If I had fallen down the stairs, it would have been forgotten until we could discuss it, another time.

I think you know that you are an abusive husband and you need that to be normalised.

It's not normal.
It's not normal.
It's not normal.

FlakyCritic · 22/04/2025 07:10

Mervyco · 21/04/2025 20:51

What a loving wife , you are not. OK, so he overstepped the mark with your daughter. But, he fell down the stairs and could have been seriously injured and your responce is "he is hamming it up".
Well get over yourself, He is your husband of 25 years. and whatever he said, they are just words and your reaction shows a serious lack of concern, for him. You should have put aside your anger and seen to his injuries, That was more important right now. If he had died, would you have said he was doing it deliberately so as not to have to apologise to your daughter?
I have had too much to drink, and I have said hurtful things to my wife, which was stupid and unnecessary, but she does not hold a grudge, forever, like you seem to do. If I had fallen down the stairs, it would have been forgotten until we could discuss it, another time.

You're a typical abusive male, thinking you can say hurtful things to your wife and emotionally abuse her (and emotional abuse is considered Domestic Violence - I bet you didn't know that) because she 'doesn't hold a grudge' (clearly worn down by her abusive thug of a husband, as she is a victim of DV and you expect all women to be that weak and submissive). You are not a loving husband, you are an abuser. How dare you lecture women on here you misogynist. And quit gaslighting with the 'what if he died'. What if it snows in summer? What if a meteor hits your kitchen window tonight? He didn't die. Grow up. What if your wife died after you emotionally abused her before you got the chance to apologise? That is more relevant. You're an absolute disgrace. A pig of a man and have no business lecturing anyone.

Roxietrees · 22/04/2025 12:42

@Mervyco did you really think this was the right platform to state your opinion and reveal your abusive tendencies? 🤣 Did you really think anyone on here was going to agree with you? How arrogant. Think you belong on one of those creepy incel forums instead. Does your wife say hurtful things to you and do you hold a grudge? Cos if it’s only one-sided that’s abuse, not an argument. Also calling your own teen daughter a bitch is not “just words”. That’s such an uneducated, simplistic few. You sound really dumb

Mervyco · 22/04/2025 15:35

When I said when I have had too much to drink I meant that on the rare occasions that has happened.
I have cared for my wife when she was bed ridden for several years with an undiagnosed condition. I took her to the loo, cooked, cleaned and ran the home, so I do not need a load of bitter women telling me how abusive I am,
My first wife was an alcoholic and i stayed with her for seven years through 5 rehabs, until she passed. My second wife turned into an abusive narcisist who would used humiliation and violence, but when she had terminal cacer I stayed and made sure she suffered as little as possible, turning her every 2 hours, day and night.ensuring her meds were sufficient to control the pain, and making her meals even though she could hardly eat and spoon feeding when she could not do it herself. My Reward? she gave her half of the home and business to her childtren and they wanted the cash, now. I had to pay them rent to stay in my own house at the same time as covering the mortgage. So don't you lecture me about abuse, I have had a tonne of it from women.
Why are you defending an abusive wife who mocked her husband who could have seriously hurt himself falling doen the stairs, Is it the Me Too mentality that a woman can do no wrong?? So he upset his daughter. What happened to sticks and stones can break my bones but words cannot hurt me. The husband is the abused one, from that woman's reaction to his fall
When you have cared for 3 spouces like I have, then lecture me. Otherwise keep your vicious comments to yourself

Asyouwere09 · 22/04/2025 15:54

I absolutely love what you said to her about not chasing a man INCLUDING her own father. She'll go far with a mother like you. Keep going with your gut instincts and I don't think you'll go wrong x

Roxietrees · 22/04/2025 16:19

@Mervyco ”bitter women” - 1. Why are we bitter? What is it that we’re bitter about? 2. Do you know that only a sexist man would ever use the term “bitter women” as it’s sexist AF and everyone knows that (apart from sexist men)
3. How do you know we’re all women?

Why are you making yourself sound like some sort of hero for caring for an abusive narcissist? It makes you sound like more of a mug than a hero

And “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a completely outdated saying and it’s now common knowledge that it was used as a defence mechanism to try and cope with the pain words cause

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