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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 19:52

Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:43

If you read what I said I was not normalising it. I was horrified and it was massively out of character, I thought he was in the wrong and should apologise, he has. Not sure what part of that is putting my head in the sand?

Show quote history

Ignore the wind-up merchant. Lecturing anyone on a throwaway insult when she has been shaming the other poster over something that is not her fault - I think not!!!

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 07:15

Imagine this man being your husband of 25 years?

Imagine this man being your father?

shudder

ScartlettSole · 21/04/2025 17:40

Dramatics seem to be hereditary. Hes being dramatic falling all over the shop, seriously he needs to get checked if this is regular and you and your daughter are being dramatic over a jokey comment. When did saying your being a bit of a bitch warrant all this caper?

laraitopbanana · 21/04/2025 17:49

No time for his shit team :)

I am not usually thinking « well done! » when I am reading Mumsnet but you handled it like a pro. Your daughter learned what to expect AND how to handle gracefully situation that aren’t exactly giving her satisfaction.
plus
your dh fell, so that is the cherry on the icing. I sincerely hope it hurts mildly for weeks…of course…before it completely heels. I also hope she makes him pay his due by being a teenage for the next 5 to 25 years 😂

Roxietrees · 21/04/2025 18:16

I really don’t think “messed up” is the phrase for it. Anyone who calls their own daughter a bitch is a misogynistic arsehole. That would never even be part of my vocabulary when I’m with my DD, it wouldn’t enter my head, no matter how angry I got. I’m definitely not against swearing but bitch is a vile word to describe a woman or girl. The dramatics over the fall sound pathetic and embarrassing on his part

Vynalbob · 21/04/2025 18:17

If he was wanting to cancel his family I don't think it was fake. Plus if he hasn't always been clumsy it actually could be a sign of something underlying going on.
Note: as he has had a fall he could always call DD to apologise - obviously crossed a line but hard to know how far without context
Eg if he'd have said 'that was a bit of a b1tchy thing to do/say would that be passable or was it completely uncalled for..
If he's generally not a w⚓ I'd not leave him in the dog house too long.

BeaRightThere · 21/04/2025 18:32

Mayanatalia · 20/04/2025 01:45

I really don’t think the bitch comment was that big a deal, maybe I’m just not middle class enough to be on mumsnet 😂

Same, absolutely baffled by the responses here. Though in general Mumsnet always seem to be very fond of clutching pearls where even mild swearing is concerned

MyLittleNest · 21/04/2025 18:39

Sounds like he only slipped down a few stairs, not the entire set. His reaction is a lot of drama on a good day, let alone when he's just upset the family. I don't think it's even about sympathy on the part of the OP but about not feeding into the self-pitying and attention-seeking behavior, which reads as very manipulative given the timing. My DH tends to get highly dramatic over a common cold (making sure to sniffle loudly if I walk by, at times even forcing himself to dramatically shudder and shake when he walks in a room wrapped in a blanket, right down to chattering his teeth!) Sometimes the more these men ham it up for attention, the less they deserve it.

noodlebugz · 21/04/2025 18:45

Do moonpig stock a get well card with a cartoon of the boy who cried wolf on it?

uberdriver · 21/04/2025 19:07

Does he keep falling over because he has a neurological problem / illness?

Tassys · 21/04/2025 19:11

OP, his fall has a whiff of controlling and manipulative behaviour to divert your focus from your annoyance towards him.

Has he form?
You have dealt with what he said and he has rightly apologised, but I would reflect and see if you notice a pattern.

Iwannakeepondancing · 21/04/2025 19:14

He has form for dramatic falling? Wtf is he 90?! This is such an ick!

AthWat · 21/04/2025 19:16

If she called him a wanker, in jest, and he said "stop being a bitch", would everyone here still feel he had done something unforgivable?

Missj25 · 21/04/2025 19:34

WTAF is this thread actually about ???
I’m at a loss !
You said they were messing around & he playfully said bitch , so okay he could have used a diff word , but it wasn’t said in malice so what’s all the drama about !
And before I get hammered with posts of
“so you think it’s ok to call your children curse words “
NO, I DON’T !!!
I’m saying I don’t get all the dramatics & then all this rubbish about falling down the stairs .
What actually are you looking for advice on ??
To me it’s not a dramatic situation, It’s just one particular day in the life of ……

PotatoLove · 21/04/2025 19:56

The title of the thread made me laugh out loud lol!
However, he's been an arse and needs to apologise to DD.

nomas · 21/04/2025 19:56

I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

I would have let him cancel.

Did you end up doing the cooking and washing up or did he do his share?

Alwaysinamood · 21/04/2025 19:57

This was the most pointless thread I ever read. OP posts in a rage, day after defends DH and gets annoyed at people getting annoyed with her DH on her behalf, because of the thread she created!!!!

GiveDogBone · 21/04/2025 20:06

He knows he screwed up. He wants to apologise. But men are conditioned not to apologise (like a kid caught doing something wrong). And while probably not deliberate, the fall is convenient.

Once the apology is forthcoming, everyone needs to draw a line and move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2025 20:13

But men are conditioned not to apologise

Bollocks.

Mervyco · 21/04/2025 20:51

What a loving wife , you are not. OK, so he overstepped the mark with your daughter. But, he fell down the stairs and could have been seriously injured and your responce is "he is hamming it up".
Well get over yourself, He is your husband of 25 years. and whatever he said, they are just words and your reaction shows a serious lack of concern, for him. You should have put aside your anger and seen to his injuries, That was more important right now. If he had died, would you have said he was doing it deliberately so as not to have to apologise to your daughter?
I have had too much to drink, and I have said hurtful things to my wife, which was stupid and unnecessary, but she does not hold a grudge, forever, like you seem to do. If I had fallen down the stairs, it would have been forgotten until we could discuss it, another time.

pollymere · 21/04/2025 20:54

I think you have two things here...

  1. Yes, his attitude with DD was poor and he needs to apologise. YANBU
  2. Anyone who falls downstairs deserves support and sympathy. It's a horrible, horrible thing to have happen and whilst you might not break bones you can get seriously bruised. I think you are BU about him feeling sore and shaken.
MissMarplesNiece · 21/04/2025 20:56

Iwannakeepondancing · 21/04/2025 19:14

He has form for dramatic falling? Wtf is he 90?! This is such an ick!

I thought that perhaps he's a professional footballer.

Roxietrees · 21/04/2025 22:16

BeaRightThere · 21/04/2025 18:32

Same, absolutely baffled by the responses here. Though in general Mumsnet always seem to be very fond of clutching pearls where even mild swearing is concerned

Show quote history

It’s got nothing to do with pearl clutching (whatever that means) or being offended by swearing. It’s not the fact it’s a swear word it’s the fact it’s a gross, sexist, dehumanising word to call a woman, especially for a man to call a woman. It’s the definition of a female dog ffs. It’s completely dehumanising

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/04/2025 22:49

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 09:24

Your thread was very long
very memorable
very disturbing

Show quote history

Grow up.

Roxietrees · 21/04/2025 23:05

This thread (although I think OP’s DH is clearly a misogynistic arsehole and completely in the wrong) has been very entertaining, mostly because of how ridiculous it is, especially “form for falling” 🤣🤣 🤣 does that go under skills on his cv?! Tbh you both sound a bit mental. Also @tooksometime you’re a vile bully and pathetic. Bringing up someone’s traumatic previous post to taunt them..really?! Also don’t you have to pay for that feature? You pay for MN? That’s embarrassing 🤣