DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

[Caplin]

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

I see the underlying patterns perfectly. I'm quoting her words to you and you are ignoring them because they don't fit in with your narrative. She calls him a "good man" and YOU say she calls him a "child abuser". Show me where she says this. Or are you going to ignore this request of mine to back up what you said again?

Ignore all the men on here minimising op. Your dh is harming your dd. If my dh ever called my dd such a name his bags would be packed and he would be gone.

If you actually think there's a possibility that your DP fell down the stairs on purpose in order to gain sympathy after calling your daughter a bitch, that's pretty massive imo. It's extremely manipulative.

Soooo familiar with the dramatics when they do something wrong my ex weaponised it but I have seen it in people less abusive they basically feel like they are losing control or a situation or they can't stand being "the bad one" that they go all out for sympathy it's childish immature and definitely a holdover from when they were growing up

Ignoring it is fine check for a real injury tell them to dust themselves off and walk away

My partner did this once. I threw a T shirt at him, he pretended to be thrown off balance (for drama / injured party points), then actually did lose his balance, a look of surprised horror passed across his face, he fell down the stairs, and a step ladder fell on him.

He came up for air with a bleeding head expecting to be babied, but I was absolutely furious. I saw quite clearly that he had purposely ‘pretended’ to lose his balance. He could have broken his neck. He eventually admitted that I was right, he had been dramatic and it backfired. What a knobhead. It was a running joke/dig for a while. He felt very silly.

Sorry, OP, but this really made me laugh 😂

God, he sounds childish and pathetic - not just the inability to deal with minor pain like an adult, but the refusal to take responsibility for his own words and actions. He knows he fucked up with your DD and instead of just apologising like an actual grown up, has manufactured a little ‘poor me’ dramatic tableau in hopes of brushing it under the carpet.

I also have a drama llama DH. To be fair it’s only when he’s genuinely hurt himself, but his outbursts are mortifyingly over the top and a standing joke in the family.

But he’s never refused to apologise to the kids when he’s been out of order, because he’s not a dick when it comes to his responsibilities as an adult and a parent.

This is the dressing gown of doom scenario. We all know when our DPs are genuinely ill and need serious TLC. We also recognise the dressing gown of doom.

If he’s been injured, I’m sure OP would have been encouraging him to stay still, catch his breath and calling the ambulance if needed. She actually got him an ice pack.

She just didn’t immediately forget the previous hour to fawn over him as he’d have preferred.

Ah yes 13 year old girls are completely to blame for a Grown adult man calling them
a bitch

bar on the floor? It’s in fucking hades!

So if ILs are visiting today will he be sitting about garnering sympathy whilst you do everything?

Will there be an atmosphere?

Has he apologised yet?

No idea about whether that fall was genuine but I’d worry more about the impact on your DD. It’s not she’s realised as a parent he’s not perfect etc, he has called her a name and my worry is that it’s the kind of thing your DD may turn inwards. I’d forget about him and worry about her.

Firstly, they were messing around tickling and playing. Have you even asked him what triggered him calling her a bitch in the moment? Did she go for his manhood, attack him too hard maybe or do something he wasn't comfortable with. Not saying it was right to call her a bitch but have you considered that she may have over stepped the mark and he just responded in haste?
Also, I cannot believe you think he'd "fall down the stairs" just to get attention. He could have been seriously injured. We all know that many neurodiverse individuals have heightened pain sensors.
The daughter walked about. They need to sort it out between them, stop pushing it and going on about it.

This honestly seems like a massive drama over very little.

I can’t fathom why you’re focussing on the fall. It isn’t important. You should be starting a thread in relationships about what to do about a H who hasn’t yet apologised to his 13 year old Dd, after calling her a bitch.

YANBU. Your DH is a tit, but you know that. Memories of my own ‘D’H stubbing his toe and rolling around in the floor in front of me like he’d been shot in the stomach when I’d had a C section a few days previously. More ham than a pig farm quite frankly.

Am I the only person who thinks this is unhinged and very upsetting? You don’t feel sympathy for your own husband, who was injured and apparently falls regularly, when he fell half way down a flight of stairs?

Does your husband have Munchausen syndrome?

These seem like two unrelated things (unless you think he faked the fall as a response to the altercation).

He should absolutely apologise, and he should be the one to make the running on this.

How much you should care about him falling down the stairs isn't really related to that, unless you're at the point of ending the relationship.

I don’t feel sympathy for him. Sounds mighty convenient that it happened after he fucked up. Sounds like he’s trying to garner sympathy and deflect from his horrible behaviour. Men do this shit all the time.

See, this just wouldn't be a big deal at all in our house. We are frequently known to call each other bitches - usually pronounced as 'biatch'. There's a big difference between saying something jokingly and calling someone a bitch in real anger. I do think you are overreacting.

Still - your daughter was upset and offended and your DH should apologise. He's an arse for not doing so.

Are you genuinely saying you think he faked falling down the stairs including smashing loads of glasses? I find that quite far fetched, but if you genuinely believe it, you have massive problems in your marriage with your husband being a strange, controlling attention seeker.

I think you sound cold, honestly. Punishing your husband by literally leaving him lying injured at the bottom of the stairs.

after 25 years I think I might have spotted issues before today

or….

you have an appalling benchmark

Do you and your partner have children together?

Why do you ask?

He accidentally said “bitch” and recognised his mistake and felt guilty afterwards. Big deal. You actually think someone would throw themselves down a flight of stairs for that?