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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:03

I think you're absolutely right. He feels that he has been attacked because insufficient respect for his male authority has been shown. He's displacing this 'violence' into 'a fall'.

If this weren't the case he'd have gone and apologised - rather than asserting his precedence again by demanding she come to him.

It may be conscious or - not unconscious, but less conscious, say. Either way it's pretty repulsive.

I absolutely applaud what you said to your daughter - she's lucky (and unusual) to have a mother who walks the walk. Shame about her dad eh?

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2025 00:03

Mistyglade · 19/04/2025 23:36

He needs to apologise to your daughter, put some ice on it, take some painkillers and grow up.

Yes!

However I fell downstairs a few years back and ended up in hospital for eight days! I had broken no bones but could barely move and was concussed. It was an awful experience and I'm quite a tough old girl.

He shouldn't have called his daughter a bitch but it's not the end of the world, people say worse when they are cross. I doubt she wants her dad to be hurt.

Be kind and let it pass.

MaybeBabyMaybeNo · 20/04/2025 00:03

Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:00

I said he should go to her and apologise, He clearly didn’t think it was a big deal. But he realised he messed up because I wouldn’t speak to him after he refused to go up.

i didn’t faff around after him, I think he felt my general disdain for his fall when he said he was Ok and whether I should cancel his family, so I left him lying on the floor and went back upstairs to drink my wine (once I had checked there was no actual injury).

I said he should go to her and apologise

That’s it? He told your 13 year old she was being a bitch and that’s all you said? Seriously?

Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:04

Elephantsarenottheonlyfruit · 20/04/2025 00:00

Was he drunk? That would explain (but not excuse) the going too far with the bitch comment and the falling.

No, I suspect he is dyspraxic as he has always been clumsy. The birch thing is one of those stupid, ‘oh bugger, I went too far’ things that he hasn’t done before

OP posts:
thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:05

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2025 00:03

Yes!

However I fell downstairs a few years back and ended up in hospital for eight days! I had broken no bones but could barely move and was concussed. It was an awful experience and I'm quite a tough old girl.

He shouldn't have called his daughter a bitch but it's not the end of the world, people say worse when they are cross. I doubt she wants her dad to be hurt.

Be kind and let it pass.

Show quote history

What about being kind to her daughter, who is a child and shouldn't have to risk standing up for herself in these complex adult situations which she is too young to fully understand. She needs a good mother to stick up for her, and mean it, and see it through.

Totallytoti · 20/04/2025 00:06

That was horrible of him to do. That word doesn’t slip out unless it’s actually part of your vocabulary. It might have been a mistake but the fact that he is refusing to apologise says it all

Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:06

MaybeBabyMaybeNo · 20/04/2025 00:03

I said he should go to her and apologise

That’s it? He told your 13 year old she was being a bitch and that’s all you said? Seriously?

Show quote history

No, he knows how fucked off I was at him, hence the performative stair performance. After 25 years I don’t need to yell at him for him to know he messed up, sometimes it is worse when I don’t.

OP posts:
ThatPearlPanda · 20/04/2025 00:08

I think you need to tell him how out of line he was, ideally in front of your daughter so she knows you’re backing her up.

ForWildLemon · 20/04/2025 00:08

I don’t get why even if he fell by accident he couldn’t apologise, not like he’s broken anything and certainly not his mouth if he was moaning and groaning so much. From all your updates it sounds like he’d rather actually harm himself and try to gain sympathy than take responsibility for insulting his own daughter with a sexist insult. So weak and sexist, great role model there

MaybeBabyMaybeNo · 20/04/2025 00:09

Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:06

No, he knows how fucked off I was at him, hence the performative stair performance. After 25 years I don’t need to yell at him for him to know he messed up, sometimes it is worse when I don’t.

Show quote history

‘No’, to what? Either that’s all you said or it isn’t. If it isn’t, then what did you actually say?

Also, you’re aware that your options aren’t limited to either silence or yelling?

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:09

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2025 00:03

Yes!

However I fell downstairs a few years back and ended up in hospital for eight days! I had broken no bones but could barely move and was concussed. It was an awful experience and I'm quite a tough old girl.

He shouldn't have called his daughter a bitch but it's not the end of the world, people say worse when they are cross. I doubt she wants her dad to be hurt.

Be kind and let it pass.

Show quote history

I agree. I’m also not sure that teaching your child that if someone makes a mistake and oversteps that they should be punished for days and days and hard lines should be drawn. I don’t actually think this is the big deal you are making. But I also think you have an opportunity to say to your daughter she should speak up when wronged and not wait for someone to apologise. I think this teaches passism which for a woman needs addressingZ. Too many times a woman will feel wronged and then complain about it. Teaching her to use her voice is a good lesson here too.

Also, it’s between them. Not you are your husband. Whatever happened with the fall you are punishing him for something that happened between them.

MaybeBabyMaybeNo · 20/04/2025 00:09

ThatPearlPanda · 20/04/2025 00:08

I think you need to tell him how out of line he was, ideally in front of your daughter so she knows you’re backing her up.

Yup.

MaybeBabyMaybeNo · 20/04/2025 00:12

What kind of childhoods did some people have (and what kind are they giving their own kids) where a man telling his 13 year old daughter she’s being a bitch isn’t a big deal?

Leafy74 · 20/04/2025 00:12

TheSlantedOwl · 19/04/2025 23:49

Yes I think he probably did it performatively. How utterly pathetic. He wants sympathy and to be automatically absolved of his shitty behaviour towards your DD.

I don’t even know where you go from here. How can you respect him.

There is simply no possibe way anybody can say that 'he probably did it performatively' unless they know him well AND were there.
How utterly pathetic.

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:13

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:09

I agree. I’m also not sure that teaching your child that if someone makes a mistake and oversteps that they should be punished for days and days and hard lines should be drawn. I don’t actually think this is the big deal you are making. But I also think you have an opportunity to say to your daughter she should speak up when wronged and not wait for someone to apologise. I think this teaches passism which for a woman needs addressingZ. Too many times a woman will feel wronged and then complain about it. Teaching her to use her voice is a good lesson here too.

Also, it’s between them. Not you are your husband. Whatever happened with the fall you are punishing him for something that happened between them.

Show quote history

He isn't being punished for days.

He just needs to apologise, which he is refusing to do unless she comes to him in supplication.

What is there for the DD to say? He knows that it's outrageous for a father to call his daughter a bitch. Calling on her to explain why it's wrong is an awful idea - it's not on her to articulate it, it's on him to do something about it.

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:15

However OP, I do think you need to articulate it - not to do so is brushing it under the carpet, as is your expression 'being an arse' to describe what happened.

'DH used misogynist language to verbally abuse DD' is what actually happened.

Leafy74 · 20/04/2025 00:17

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:03

I think you're absolutely right. He feels that he has been attacked because insufficient respect for his male authority has been shown. He's displacing this 'violence' into 'a fall'.

If this weren't the case he'd have gone and apologised - rather than asserting his precedence again by demanding she come to him.

It may be conscious or - not unconscious, but less conscious, say. Either way it's pretty repulsive.

I absolutely applaud what you said to your daughter - she's lucky (and unusual) to have a mother who walks the walk. Shame about her dad eh?

Yes. You're right - most mothers are shit.

LimeQuoter · 20/04/2025 00:17

I wouldn't overthink it and simplify it. Him falling and the incident with your daughter are 2 separate things. Id just go with that he didn't do it on purpose. And now you know he's ok, I'd focus on sorting out the daughter incident. Him falling doesn't change anything else necessary

Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:17

I plan to sit them both down tomorrow. Tonight she had walked and lines were drawn. But it isn’t on her to go to him. Cold light of day and a night of dwelling on his mistakes are required.

He isn’t diagnosed but is probably neurodiverse, and after 25 years I know that what he needs is time and he will do the right thing, but if I try and force it it drags things out. I come from a family of neurodiverse people (dad, sister, brother) so I’m used to it and probably less likely to race into a big fight, as experience tells me that sleeping on things and coming back calm works better to get a good result.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 20/04/2025 00:18

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

That was a brilliant bit of parenting but now you need to follow it up. Tell DH he must go to her and apologise, and not call her to him as that just compounds the insult.

If he can't do that then he really isn't a good dad. And I would tell him that.

Edit - cross post

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 00:18

He needs to apologise, and to do it soon! He needs to go to her not the other way round!

I'd have left him lying at the bottom of the stairs to sort himself out. He was a total twat!

I hope he did hurt himself!

BeMoreAmandaland · 20/04/2025 00:21

He has form for dramatic falling

Oh no, does he lace his stays too tight?

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:23

BeMoreAmandaland · 20/04/2025 00:21

He has form for dramatic falling

Oh no, does he lace his stays too tight?

LOL

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:23

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:13

He isn't being punished for days.

He just needs to apologise, which he is refusing to do unless she comes to him in supplication.

What is there for the DD to say? He knows that it's outrageous for a father to call his daughter a bitch. Calling on her to explain why it's wrong is an awful idea - it's not on her to articulate it, it's on him to do something about it.

Show quote history

Yeah I agree he has to apologise but she doesn’t need to wait for it and avoid him until he does.

She can also take responsibility and say to her Dad if wasn’t okay and she’s not okay with it and he needs to apologise. She doesn’t need to be passive in this situation.

thestudio · 20/04/2025 00:26

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:23

Yeah I agree he has to apologise but she doesn’t need to wait for it and avoid him until he does.

She can also take responsibility and say to her Dad if wasn’t okay and she’s not okay with it and he needs to apologise. She doesn’t need to be passive in this situation.

Show quote history

She's not being passive! She's 13, and she showed her dad that she was hurt and upset by him calling her a bitch by removing herself.

Honestly, she's a child, and you are victim-blaming.

She will learn to be assertive by it being demonstrated very clearly that she is an equal human being, and that her feelings matter - and by having her own mother model assertiveness.