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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
gannett · 20/04/2025 07:29

These are two separate issues.

You're right about his behaviour to your daughter. He needs to apologise to her and he's pathetic for not going after her to do so immediately.

But I can't fathom being in a relationship where, if I was injured, my partner only had disdain for me and disbelieved me. Or where my first instinct if my partner injured themselves was to disbelieve them. That indicates a fundamental contempt for the other person that's incompatible with any sort of relationship.

You may be right to have that contempt or you may not. But you can't have that contempt AND be married to someone imo.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/04/2025 07:35

Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:04

No, I suspect he is dyspraxic as he has always been clumsy. The birch thing is one of those stupid, ‘oh bugger, I went too far’ things that he hasn’t done before

Show quote history

I think in general you're out of order in how you describe him injuring himself. Some people do react more than others when injured, and this can be learned behaviour from childhood or a more extreme physical reaction to shock or pain. Humans are not all the same.

However, leaving all that aside, he 100% needs to go to your DD to apologise.

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 07:39

I hope you aren't ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment as that is abusive and an awful environment for a child to grow up in.

she's 13, not 3, Bitch is very much a PG13 word and it was said in jest?!

Deathraystare · 20/04/2025 07:49

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:09

I agree. I’m also not sure that teaching your child that if someone makes a mistake and oversteps that they should be punished for days and days and hard lines should be drawn. I don’t actually think this is the big deal you are making. But I also think you have an opportunity to say to your daughter she should speak up when wronged and not wait for someone to apologise. I think this teaches passism which for a woman needs addressingZ. Too many times a woman will feel wronged and then complain about it. Teaching her to use her voice is a good lesson here too.

Also, it’s between them. Not you are your husband. Whatever happened with the fall you are punishing him for something that happened between them.

Show quote history

Yes...but how hard is it for him to apologise???? The poster should not need to tell him to apologise, he is not kid number 2! He is a grown up and if a parent fucks up in some way, it is up to that parent to apologise!

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 07:52

A good man doesn't call his 13 year old daughter a bitch and then refuse to go after her and apologise. The fact that you even question whether his fall was real or exaggerated confirms it. So he does something wrong and then decides to manipulate everyone around him instead of just apologising. I'd be keeping a close eye on his behaviour in the future. I don't like manipulative men who tell their daughters they are bitches.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/04/2025 07:58

genuinely baffled at the number of posters who think a grown man calling a 13 year old child a bitch is absolutely fine 😵‍💫

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:58

It’s so disturbing to think that children are growing up in this household

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:59

A good man doesn’t call his teen daughter a bitch
a good man doesn’t call any woman a bitch
a good mother doesn’t think a man is “good” if he calls her daughter a bitch

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:00

What is interesting about this post is that OPs question is "AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?"
The "good man" calling his 13 year old daughter a bitch is not even what she's asking for advice about, it's just whether she should be fawning over her foul husband.

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:01

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:59

A good man doesn’t call his teen daughter a bitch
a good man doesn’t call any woman a bitch
a good mother doesn’t think a man is “good” if he calls her daughter a bitch

Couldn't agree more. I feel sorry for the daughter.

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:01

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/04/2025 07:58

genuinely baffled at the number of posters who think a grown man calling a 13 year old child a bitch is absolutely fine 😵‍💫

It's not fine if he's screaming it at her for knocking over a cup, but sounds like they were messing about and being silly and it slipped out while they were having fun? And now everyone's treating him like an axe murderer?

I've whispered 'knobheads' when my kids are actung up, shoukd they throw away the key?

The ridiculous pearl clutching on this thread illustrates perfectly why generation Z and younger are an absolute nightmare to manage at work. A low level swear word slipping out in jest is a life altering trauma that the dad needs to throw himself down the stairs to atone for 😂

doesn't sound like a happy home for a child to be growing up in to be fair

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:03

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:01

It's not fine if he's screaming it at her for knocking over a cup, but sounds like they were messing about and being silly and it slipped out while they were having fun? And now everyone's treating him like an axe murderer?

I've whispered 'knobheads' when my kids are actung up, shoukd they throw away the key?

The ridiculous pearl clutching on this thread illustrates perfectly why generation Z and younger are an absolute nightmare to manage at work. A low level swear word slipping out in jest is a life altering trauma that the dad needs to throw himself down the stairs to atone for 😂

doesn't sound like a happy home for a child to be growing up in to be fair

Show quote history

And if he apologised immediately you may have a point, but he didn't.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/04/2025 08:06

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:01

It's not fine if he's screaming it at her for knocking over a cup, but sounds like they were messing about and being silly and it slipped out while they were having fun? And now everyone's treating him like an axe murderer?

I've whispered 'knobheads' when my kids are actung up, shoukd they throw away the key?

The ridiculous pearl clutching on this thread illustrates perfectly why generation Z and younger are an absolute nightmare to manage at work. A low level swear word slipping out in jest is a life altering trauma that the dad needs to throw himself down the stairs to atone for 😂

doesn't sound like a happy home for a child to be growing up in to be fair

Show quote history

whispering something inaudible under your breath when your DC/DH/DM/DF is pissing you off is something entirely different and that is clearly not what happened here

my father never called me a bitch in my hearing & neither has my DH. I thought that was completely normal and how it should be and yet somehow that now renders me a Pearl clutcher

the bar is on the floor

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:09

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:03

And if he apologised immediately you may have a point, but he didn't.

Show quote history

I'm speculating, but I imagine he was like: it was just a joke', the teen took it badly and stormed off (we've all been there' and istead if being like: this is a bit silly, Op has cancelled a family dinner and is on here calling him a child abuser

napody · 20/04/2025 08:12

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:09

I agree. I’m also not sure that teaching your child that if someone makes a mistake and oversteps that they should be punished for days and days and hard lines should be drawn. I don’t actually think this is the big deal you are making. But I also think you have an opportunity to say to your daughter she should speak up when wronged and not wait for someone to apologise. I think this teaches passism which for a woman needs addressingZ. Too many times a woman will feel wronged and then complain about it. Teaching her to use her voice is a good lesson here too.

Also, it’s between them. Not you are your husband. Whatever happened with the fall you are punishing him for something that happened between them.

Show quote history

Her daughter handled it perfectly- by removing herself from the situation and not watching their shared programme together.

You're acting like there's some kind of statute of limitations on apologies. He can make one now, today. He's behaved wrongly in lots of ways: calling his daughter a bitch, trying to make her come to him for an apology (controlling bullshit), not going to her, the performative falling bollocks to try and make himself the victim (DARVO) and his continued refusal to apologise.

BoldAmberDuck · 20/04/2025 08:14

Sorry, I haven’t read it all but it’s making me laugh! 🤣

napody · 20/04/2025 08:15

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:01

It's not fine if he's screaming it at her for knocking over a cup, but sounds like they were messing about and being silly and it slipped out while they were having fun? And now everyone's treating him like an axe murderer?

I've whispered 'knobheads' when my kids are actung up, shoukd they throw away the key?

The ridiculous pearl clutching on this thread illustrates perfectly why generation Z and younger are an absolute nightmare to manage at work. A low level swear word slipping out in jest is a life altering trauma that the dad needs to throw himself down the stairs to atone for 😂

doesn't sound like a happy home for a child to be growing up in to be fair

Show quote history

All these gymnastics to try and excuse a man for finding 'sorry' so impossible to say.

Someone who never admits when he's made a mistake will be horrible to live with. Nobody's saying he's an axe murderer ffs. But we teach children to apologise, even if they hurt someone by accident.

The bar for men IS on the floor, so true.

IVbumble · 20/04/2025 08:17

I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

OP never threaten something you are not going to carry out - it's manipulative.

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:17

napody · 20/04/2025 08:15

All these gymnastics to try and excuse a man for finding 'sorry' so impossible to say.

Someone who never admits when he's made a mistake will be horrible to live with. Nobody's saying he's an axe murderer ffs. But we teach children to apologise, even if they hurt someone by accident.

The bar for men IS on the floor, so true.

Show quote history

True he should apologise, sounds like OP has been ignoring him and giving him the silent treatment which is definitely abuse so she should probably apologise first as that's a lot worse than saying a low level swear word.

apologies all round 👏

ThreeLocusts · 20/04/2025 08:20

OP on the question of 'did he throw himself down the stairs or what?' Have a look at Freud's 'psychopathology of everyday life'.

He describes precisely this kind of accident/performance, and characterises the way they're suspended between intentional action and accidental clumsiness very well.

My mother once fell down stairs and broke her leg, rather than face up to the fact that by her own declared standards, she ought to confront her partner over how he was treating my sister. People do this kind of thing....

Hope your Easter meal turns out OK anyway.

Testingmypatience1 · 20/04/2025 08:21

Your ‘d’h is openly abusing your dd, then pretending to hurt himself to garner sympathy and attention. Why are you still living there? Wtaf op.

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:22

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:09

I'm speculating, but I imagine he was like: it was just a joke', the teen took it badly and stormed off (we've all been there' and istead if being like: this is a bit silly, Op has cancelled a family dinner and is on here calling him a child abuser

Show quote history

So you don't know what happened, you're speculating. And then lying "Op has cancelled a family dinner and is on here calling him a child abuser."

OP ASKED if she should cancel lunch. "I think he felt my general disdain for his fall when he said he was Ok and whether I should cancel his family"
And OFFERED "I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking).

And where does she say he is a child abuser? Do you always make things up? If so it's no wonder you find it hard to work with people.

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 08:25

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 08:22

So you don't know what happened, you're speculating. And then lying "Op has cancelled a family dinner and is on here calling him a child abuser."

OP ASKED if she should cancel lunch. "I think he felt my general disdain for his fall when he said he was Ok and whether I should cancel his family"
And OFFERED "I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking).

And where does she say he is a child abuser? Do you always make things up? If so it's no wonder you find it hard to work with people.

Show quote history

😂 she's told him she's cancelling it. And if she doesn't thats.... worse? She's trying to control him through manipulation.

i'm sorry you are unable to see underlying context and wider patterns and implications, it must be why you haven't reached a higher level position where you manage generationz and know what I'm talking about 💐

Newbutoldfather · 20/04/2025 08:26

I am afraid I disagree with the majority here.

First off, he didn’t call her a bitch, he said she was ‘being a bitch’. That is talking about her behaviour, not her. I am not saying it is OK, but it is very different.

So the reality is that a decent guy used a misogynistic word, immediately realised he was wrong, and tried to apologise but his daughter had (not unreasonably) left.

This could have been left between daughter and father, he probably would have (and will) apologise in the morning. No major drama.

Separately, the poor guy fell down six stairs (really quite a big fall) and was treated coldly by his wife when he lay there in shock.

OP, you sound like your husband’s (rather cold and unkind) mother the way you condescendingly speak about him. Rather than worrying why your 40 year old husband, whom you claim to care about, regularly falls, you say he should develop more core strength!

It is a very modern thing to try to judge someone’s entire character on one word. Everyone uses the wrong words from time to time. Tone and context matter a lot. I doubt most here would like to be judged that way.

Imisschampagne · 20/04/2025 08:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2025 23:51

Is DD expected to play happy families at lunch tomorrow even though he hasn’t been bothered to apologise?

He sounds like an absolute twat.

Doesn’t sound like a wonderful man or partner or parent at all. @Caplin if you think he could’ve faked it - that means you must think he’s pretty much morally bankrupt.

also not apologising to daughter …. WOW