DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

[Caplin]

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

I must say I find your H " tickling" your 13 year old dd pretty weird. Surely she is of an age where this is inappropriate?
I also find the idea that a man would deliberately fall downstairs for attention very strange. Surely he would have to have mental health issues to do something like that?

🕵️ He "fell" you say? 🧐

Far too many girls and women spend far too much energy, effort and time trying to explain to boys and men why their behaviour has upset them, even though it shouldn't need to be explained.

It's not something I would encourage at all, unless they were upset about something that wasn't immediately obvious.

He initially called her back so he could apologise so she knows that he knows why she's upset/pissed off.

Perhaps he’s a professional footballer?

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.
Well done OP, I applaud you. I wish more mothers would teach their daughters valuable life lessons like this.

Really? She's 13 and he's her father. It's not a nice thing to say. I still remember my Dad calling me a bitch when I was a similar age (although he was not being 'playful', it's not nice even if he was "joking"). It really hurt and changed my opinion of him

I think this is well put, and true at any age actually.

You don't have much of a relationship with someone if they upset you and are aware why, and then leave it up to you do to the repair work.

I'm struggling to understand how a dad can jokingly call his 13 year old daughter a bitch. 😵‍💫

Agree. It just doesn't sit right with me. I don't think a father should ever call his daughter a bitch.

It's awful anytime a man call a woman that let along a girl and one's own child.
It's the sort of thing you'd never forget.
(and maybe find yourself in counselling for at 40..., iykwim)

I think considering the lack of effort from him to apologise to your DD, you'd be forgiven for being uncaring even if it is a genuine fall.

my mother does over-dramatic minor bump reactions and she's 75 :/

Why are we pretending teenage girls aren’t little bitch’s sometime? I know mine is and when she is I will tell her! The whole dramatic fall down the stairs is there a right way to fall down the stairs? 😂

Thank you for advocating for your daughter and giving her power. Take a moment for being a fab mum!!!

Ds1, who has ADHD, used to do this when he was younger. He grew out of it before he was 10. I would find this behaviour very unattractive in an adult man.

Yes - I mean falling down is such an unattractive behaviour! And when did people with ADHD fall down more?

WTF???

Also in regard to the OP - it sounds like you need to grow up. Your DH made a comment when messing around that he didn't mean. Then you sulk for hours/days in a pathetic manner and start a thread on Mumsnet to confirm your over the top reaction. Really?

And if your DH can pretend to fall down 6 or so steps while holding glasses, I'd actually be pretty impressed with his acting skills.

You say your daughter is a feisty 13 year old, well she can speak to her Dad herself and tell him he was out of order - she doesn't need you sulking on her behalf.

😂😂😂

Why did you offer to cancel Easter lunch and then not do it when he said yes.

You are playing right into his hands allowing his dramatics

@springintoaction321 the men will be okay, they've got handmaidens like you to stick up for them.

If you don't think it's necessary to advocate for a 13 year old to a grown man, I hope you're not a mother honestly.

You cannot possible fail to realise that no-one is saying "falling is an unattractive trait." 😂So disinegenous and undermines all the rest of your already rather feeble jabs. Why comment at all if you won't do it in good faith?

YANBU - in fact I think you’re spot on.
I wouldn’t have nursed him with ice etc.
He needs to apologise to your daughter and fast - horrible behaviour and from her Dad! Don’t let this go OP.

How have you managed to stay with him for 25 years?

Secondly, what did he actually do to dd?

You sound very reasonable and sensible and like someone who understands the right way to manage your relationships with the people on your life. Go with your gut.

Do you like him? Because you're not paiting him in a good light. All you are demoonstrating is massive disdain.

What was the context of the 'banter' they were having some kind of play fight, what was said before he called get a bitch?.
Eg if she thumped him with a cushion and ran off saying you can't catch me you big fat oaf/baldy slap head etc, a retaliatory oh you bitch and a cushion launched in her direction is probably within the context of the situation, you said he said it jokingly.

I do think the whole tickle fight and banter is a bit odd at her age but there was a whole thread recently of people who still do it with their husbands which I also thought was odd.

First thing that needs sorting this morning is him going to DD to apologise for his words.

Make sure he does a good share of the work today if it's his family being hosted for lunch.

I agree with another PP, your DD is 13 now. Perhaps a good time for DH to lay off with the tickling thing.

Does He bellow when he bumps into things or spills things?

DH really winds me up with that. It genuinely makes me so stressed. I’m really calm. As a result my serious injuries are ignored and his trivial ones get lits of attention. 😅

It’s like the world ends when things don’t go to plan, and everyone needs to rally round and make him feel ok again, even if it’s his error in the first place.