DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

[Caplin]

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

She is pretty feisty, I have no doubt when they do sit down she will say exactly that. I’m very proud that she just walked away when he overstepped, no messing about, no discussion. But he should have gone after her. But male pride is a crap thing

OP you keep repeating the same thing and I have agreed. We get it. He should apologise. But you also need to let it go.

Overall in the grand scheme it isn’t that big of a deal and you are catastrophising a bit in your feeling abiut that defining moments of childhood.

she's not repeating herself - you are. She's explaining why she (and pretty much everyone else on the thread) profoundly disagrees with you, an apologist for male bullies whose advice if followed will ensure that nothing will have changed for our grand-daughters.

She’s only 13 not an adult so I think she can be passive if she likes.

I understand what you’re trying to say but I don’t agree with the message that DD needs to “take responsibility”. Its not her behaviour so there’s nothing for her to take responsibility for.

Really? I’m responding to questions. I’m asking if IABI not to be more concerned about him falling downstairs. It has led to a discussion (not unreasonably) about what happened with DD..

Ultimately, I can can talk to them both, but I know from my own Dad that there can be a few misplaced hurts that can just damage trust, and DH would be devastated if he thought that he had done that.

What was the messing around that led to him calling his 13 year old daughter a bitch?

has he been checked for hyper mobility?

They were watching a TV show they love and were mucking about, tickling each other and joking and bantering. I think it was out of his mouth before he realised, and it was said jokingly, but it was massively inappropriate.

As well as being “one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice” your daughter is also at an age where she is maturing and knowing her own mind, so a shift in the power dynamic between them, your dh may be uncomfortable with this and struggling to shift to a more adult relationship, hence his misjudgement. So how he handles it and modifies his behaviour is important for their relationship to avoid more not nice moments going forward.

Is he a footballer?!

You haven't done anything wrong, OP, and have done plenty right. You've supported your teenager's dignity. You tended to DH's physical injury but not his misplaced pride. You're all good. Hope he resolves his problem tomorrow.

And no, he has never been checked for hyper mobility, but I think he should, and or dyspraxia. Although I’m not sure what they would do in his 40s. He also falls over a lot on the ice, so I do think there is either hyper mobility or dyspraxia.

I have no sympathy for him btw.

i am hypermobile though. I fall a lot and you are correct, my physio said the same, you need good core strength.

I have a dramatic DH, so feel your pain. Mine would not fall down the stairs though,it seems far fetched that he would fall down all the stairs then roll around in agony on purpose. But if I thought this was performative this would probably be the beginning of the end because I would be thinking he was such a twat I am not sure I could find him sexy anymore after that.

You've made about 12 different excuses for his behaviour, OP.

Because he a good man, this is out of character and he has tried to distract us from his embarrassment with a dramatic fall. My post was fairly jokey about the fact I have no time for his drama llama behaviour.

after 25 years I think I might have spotted issues before today….apart from his tendency to fall dramatically.

Actually @Caplin, I think what you really need to talk to him about is his insistence that he will only apologise if she comes to him. The ‘bitch’ thing is wrong - but refusing to apologise is worse.

You need to tell him that this demonstrates his underlying belief that he is more important than her because he is male. That even when he acknowledges that he is in the wrong, respect must be paid to his maleness. No man, even a wrong man, should have to ‘crawl’ to a woman. He will deny it - ask him in that case on which grounds he made the proviso. There are none that make sense.

Was he trying to be 'cool' and down with the kids by saying a curse word OP? It's seems more cringe worthy than him being a misogynist? Either way he has to apologise. And no UANBU to think he is a drama king!
Did the glasses break?!

You seem to have a good grasp on it. Since you feel like he will apologize later, after he has time to process it better, that will likely be the end of it. So glad you're firmly on your daughter's side on this one. :)

I have to say him tickling her also sounded a bit uncomfortably cringey to me, especially when combined with calling her such a "grown up" curse word. I think of a father tickling a little girl but not so much a teenage girl. If he's neurodivergent, he may need to be told that she's getting to an age where tickling, wrestling etc. may no longer be appropriate.

Aside from the above, I admit the picture of a grown man dramatically rolling down the stairs, then making a big deal of how very, very injured he was to get out of trouble cracked me up. Sounds like you've got your hands full! Good luck with it.

I really don’t think the bitch comment was that big a deal, maybe I’m just not middle class enough to be on mumsnet 😂

Ds1, who has ADHD, used to do this when he was younger. He grew out of it before he was 10. I would find this behaviour very unattractive in an adult man.

I agree, it’s not great but not LTB territory.

Once my mum got the school dance time being over by an hour mixed up and punched me right in the face when I got home, without asking for an explanation.
Dazed, I saw a fist coming at me again - and ducked, and she hit the front door.
It stunned her into listening to me - what’s the matter? What have I done? Why are you so angry?
Mum said it was because I was over an hour late getting home. I said no, the dance was over at 11 and I got home at 11:15 - right on time.
She said, well then get to bed.
And I’ve thought of this over the years - I don’t think Mum ever apologised to us kids for anything even once.
Maybe it was that generation winning the war, they couldn’t back down from anything, I don’t know.
Mum did tell me she felt bad about that incident decades later - but she never apologised.

Wow going against the grain here, but OP is being way to dramatic about the non-event with the daughter and actually falling down the stairs is a very serious thing.

This. What's all the drama about?!

I'm inclined to agree having fallen down the stairs on two occasions.

I would have nothing but contempt for his behaviour to both his daughter and his nonsense with the fall, and I wouldn't be able or willing to hide it. Maybe you're a more forgiving person than me.