Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

You started the thread!!!

You invited opinions and because they are not the ones you wanted to are now trying to make out people are picking on you.

You're not coming out of this at at all well, you just come across as spoiled, materialistic, self obsessed and completely unused to having people not fawn over you.

And certainly unused to being told you are wrong.

I'm surprised@PalmTreeAngel hasnt left the chat yet, like she said she was going to quite some time ago!

Yeah…nightmare. This is why I think it’ll all end in tears (or bitchy mumsnet posts).

if they make it to their anniversary I guarantee there is a post about not getting a flashy enough present or because there wasn’t a 4 page ad in the paper or on insta about their love 🤣

Indeed. I'd turn up on time for a ceremony but if only invited to the party, I'd turn up- as you do for a party - some rime after the time it started.

Now you’re getting it!

Your DH and his sister are not close, barely ever see each other and never talk so neither of you have any idea what is currently going on in her life. What you do know is she probably had a busy and stressful day trying to sell a house but still did make the effort to turn up and be there to celebrate with you which surely means more than a bottle of wine or some random voucher she grabbed at Tesco?

Bet if you weren’t in the picture when she got married her brother would have rocked up to her wedding with no gift or card and I bet she wouldn’t have cared one bit, because that’s clearly the relationship (or lack of) they’ve always had.

Sounds a bit grabby OP

But did you make it very, very clear that this was a formal event and that the 7pm start was a hard and fast time, because you wanted to take formal wedding photographs? Because that’s what still isn’t clear after over 70 posts from you.

If your invitation said “Arrive at 7 for photographs before dinner”, then yes, they were rude to arrive an hour late. But if it said “7pm - midnight”, I’d have assumed a more informal event (especially given it was a party to celebrate a destination wedding that had taken place weeks before) where I could arrive any time from 7 onwards.

If it’s scenario B, I think your communication was the problem here rather than SIL’s timing.

I think it's a bit odd to have a pop at the OP if her husband asked people he knew from work, and she didn't. My husband has good friends at work I don't know, and they just asked me to their wedding with him - I've literally never met either and they aren't normally doing plus ones, either. They just know he's been married forever and we live in a town an hour away, with dependent kids, while they're at a different life stage. I was just touched to be asked. Nothing odd about that to me.

I would say though, OP, that while you're thinking you feel hurt that SIL didn't think to turn up on time, nor even bring a present, she may have felt hurt and upset that she wasn't asked to her brother's wedding. You don't know; perhaps she is showing her face so she doesn't completely rupture relationships, but somewhere in another house she may be grumbling that she wasn't even asked to her own brother's wedding, so all she's getting for him after a second-tier invite is a card.

No clue; I don't know any of you. But as a great (if fictional) man once said, many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. And hers might look really different to your own.

If my brother didn't give me a wedding present? At most, mildly miffed. If my brother didn't invite me to his actual wedding? Fucking gutted. Your insult to her was far worse.

Exactly.

My wedding ceremony was in St Lucia. She would never have come. It was not open to anyone other than our parents.

How family--oriented and generous. Your wedding was "not open" to your husband's siblings.

OP some of the mean spirited responses on here are wild. I can understand where you are coming from. I’d chalk it up to experience, go with your gut and keep on going.

Families are difficult to navigate. I had a massive row with my lovely mum in the lead up to my own wedding but we got through it. My in laws were very different socially to my own family - they were much more reserved. My mother in law could be really horrible to me (tears in the bedroom at theirs sometimes) but we stuck at it as my husband and I valued our families. By the end I had a wonderful relationship with my mother in law and remember many things fondly. We now only have my my father in law left and my brother in law with his family in Australia. My children had a fabulous relationship with their grandparents and I feel very lucky they had that. That doesn’t mean there weren’t rocky times but we got through them. Good luck! @PalmTreeAngel

It sounds like you are more annoyed at not getting more gifts than SiL being late.

I don’t think anyone is misunderstanding you. I think you are failing to understand just how exceptionally lucky you have been.

You started this whole thing by making it very clear that her relationship as your DH’s sibling wasn’t important enough to invite her to your wedding. Even if you knew she wouldn’t have come, the invitation would have spoken volumes. How do you think she interpreted your gesture? And now you want her to forget about her difficult to sell house and her potential chance of getting rid of it, and treat you like you and your DH are the most important thing in her list of priorities? Are you fucking serious? That is next level entitlement. Are you not absolutely mortified at your hypocrisy?

Bluntly, I find their reason for being late to be a bit shit. Why couldn’t his sister have arrived on time and her DH been later after the viewing if it was so necessary?

The present thing is just weird though, you’ve said over and over again that you don’t like them - why on earth would you want a gift from them? You don’t like them, they also don’t like you, DH and his sister don’t seem to get on, and gifting isn’t a big thing in their family. To complain you’re more bothered about the lack of gift than the lateness shows you for who you are, rather than them who don’t give two hoots about you and are consistent with it. You’re content to play happy families with people you dislike for a present.

Maybe it was a bit of a shit reason to be late - we've no idea how desperate the SIL is to sell their property.

Also, despite asking multiple times, OP has not clarified if it was ever made clear to SIL that there would be photos taken at the start of the party and SIL and families presence was required at that point. So SIL may have had zero idea that arriving later than the party start time was even an issue!

Bluntly, I find their reason for being late to be a bit shit. Why couldn’t his sister have arrived on time and her DH been later after the viewing if it was so necessary?

Because they only have one car? Or think taking two cars an hour apart is an unnecessary expense and waste of time? Or were travelling by train and didn’t want to pay for two cabs to the station, or to organise two lifts?

As @WiddlinDiddlin says above, it all comes down to whether they were told “Be there at 7 for formal photography” or “Wedding party starts at 7”. I’d rearrange the viewing for the first one, but not the second. OP is stubbornly refusing to say which it was.

You don't give off "super-happy" vibes OP

Bluntly, I find their reason for being late to be a bit shit. Why couldn’t his sister have arrived on time and her DH been later after the viewing if it was so necessary?

We were late for BIL and SIL’s post elopement party.

We allowed 6 hours to do what is usually a 5 hour journey but it wasn’t enough because a lorry jackknifed on the motorway and we were stuck in that for over 2 hours.

Sometimes life just isn’t straightforward. And we have no idea whether they knew they were being summonsed for formal family photos. It’s not an assumption I would have made. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had so much fun at my wedding reception but I can't tell you who came on time and what they did or didn't bring. I think you're missing the point of the reception.