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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

671 replies

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 20:54

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

OP posts:
senseofdevelopment · 19/04/2025 21:08

No expectation of presents after an elopment

Mudflaps · 19/04/2025 21:08

What exactly were you expecting as a gift? We got some large expensive gifts, some surprisingly large amounts of money, some poundshop bits and some cards, not one means more to me than the other. Our favourite was a cheque made out using an old Irish Punt cheque book despite Ireland having moved to the euro by then, we didn't tell the person who gave it to us until months later when they asked why we hadn't cashed their gift, they'd used an old book by mistake, we framed thr original and refused their replacement!! I think being late to the party for their reasons is fine, selling a house is stressful and time consuming, the card is also fine in my opinion.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/04/2025 21:08

What was the time frame between wedding abroad and party back home?

A wedding reception is the party immediately after the wedding. Not the party some days/weeks later in another country. That is simply a party.

Temporaryanonymity · 19/04/2025 21:08

You can’t have it all ways. Elope, fine. I wouldn’t bring a gift either. Maybe a bottle of wine perhaps.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:08

Ponderingwindow · 19/04/2025 21:06

Don’t open this particular can of worms.

You didn’t invite his sister the wedding ceremony, only a post ceremony reception. If you complain about her being late to the party, you need to be prepared for her and possibly other members of the family to air their wedding related grievances in return.

They may have kept their opinions to themselves to keep the peace, but if you start complaining about arrival times or gifts they will likely feel free to reciprocate.

Show quote history

My wedding ceremony was in St Lucia. She would never have come. It was not open to anyone other than our parents.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 19/04/2025 21:08

it’s up to your husband to manage his relationship with his sister and decide if he wants to say anything

if you are a confrontational type and his family is avoidant then you are going to crank the drama up to a million if you get involved. Is it really worth it because you didn’t get a present?

Ponderingwindow · 19/04/2025 21:08

Did Devon happen to be the hometown of one half of the happy couple?

Ilovelurchers · 19/04/2025 21:08

If I was invited to a reception party I wouldn't necessarily assume it was something I had to be there from the start of. Selling a house is an important and stressful thing - I think a house viewing is a pretty good reason to be late.

And I think challenging her over not getting you a gift will make you sound pretty bloody awful.

If they had arrived late with no gift for your actual ceremony that would be different. But they weren't invited to that.

I actually didn't realise it was customary to buy gifts if you aren't invited to the wedding itself. Perhaps she felt the same.

Tricho · 19/04/2025 21:09

I'm absolutely mortified for you carrying on like a five year old over not getting a gift!

Branleuse · 19/04/2025 21:09

You didnt invite her to your wedding though. You just had a party so you could get presents. I think you are being a bit grabby.

GreenSkyes · 19/04/2025 21:09

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/04/2025 21:06

YABRidiculous.

It wasn't a wedding, it was a party.

You didn't get a wedding present, because she was not invited to your wedding.

If you want wedding presents, you need to invite people to your wedding.

Was she aware there was a plan to do family photos etc at the start of the party (who even does that, its a party!)...

I think trying to sell their house is probably more important to them than your party.

I agree completely with this

CremeEggThief · 19/04/2025 21:09

It sounds annoying, but is it really what you want to be spending your time brooding over now? I would try to let it go if I were you.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:10

Ponderingwindow · 19/04/2025 21:08

Did Devon happen to be the hometown of one half of the happy couple?

Nope.

OP posts:
rwalker · 19/04/2025 21:10

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:00

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

Show quote history

you’ve hit the nail on the head you think a wedding ( it wasn’t a wedding it was a party linked to the wedding) is a very important occasion
they obviously don’t think a party to celebrate a wedding that’s already happened a very important event

I went to one of these my old boss got married in Caribbean and had a reception when they got back just seemed a party to me wedding had already happened

id just move on confronting it will achieve nothing

Octavia64 · 19/04/2025 21:10

Gifts are for weddings.

she wasn’t invited to, or was at your wedding so she doesn’t need to give a gift.

(I agree it would have been politic to do but it’s not the etiquette).

being late to a wedding is not really ok and most people will go to a lot of effort not to although sometimes it isn’t possible. We missed a friends wedding once due to a car accident shutting the motorway.

being late to a party you are throwing to celebrate your wedding is not on the same level.

JustAnInchident · 19/04/2025 21:10

Thanks for the context, OP. I’d let this one go, to be honest. They were only very slightly delayed, an hour isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, and while this may have mucked your photos up, selling their home is quite a big deal to them and I can see why they tried to do both. I have to say, having been to a couple of separate occasion wedding reception parties, being bang on time hasn’t ever been a major priority.
Not giving a gift is a strange choice but there’s not really a way for you to bring that up without looking grabby and petty.
This isn’t worth the hassle or the argument, let it go!

TomatoSandwiches · 19/04/2025 21:11

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:00

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

Show quote history

It wasn't a wedding though, it was a reception party.

Arlanymor · 19/04/2025 21:11

I’m getting secondhand Verruca Salt embarrassment about you saying about all of the other people who gave you presents. You didn’t invite any of them to your wedding, you had no entitlement to any wedding gifts! Most people who elope don’t come home and then expect a plethora of presents on their return… did the people you love help you celebrate your party? Yes, then that’s the goal.

Ponderingwindow · 19/04/2025 21:11

Yes, you chose to have a wedding abroad, that was not practical for siblings to attend. You are allowed to make that choice. You have to accept that it comes with consequences. If the only consequence is that you don’t receive a gift, then you are very lucky.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:11

JustAnInchident · 19/04/2025 21:10

Thanks for the context, OP. I’d let this one go, to be honest. They were only very slightly delayed, an hour isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, and while this may have mucked your photos up, selling their home is quite a big deal to them and I can see why they tried to do both. I have to say, having been to a couple of separate occasion wedding reception parties, being bang on time hasn’t ever been a major priority.
Not giving a gift is a strange choice but there’s not really a way for you to bring that up without looking grabby and petty.
This isn’t worth the hassle or the argument, let it go!

Okay, thanks!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 19/04/2025 21:12

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:00

No not really. I’m not that ridiculous - but I happen to think a wedding is a very important event!

Show quote history

It wasn't a wedding it was a party.

Hoppinggreen · 19/04/2025 21:13

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:08

My wedding ceremony was in St Lucia. She would never have come. It was not open to anyone other than our parents.

Show quote history

But you did want the presents?
Weddings abroad are lovely but you can't have it both ways unfortunately

pointythings · 19/04/2025 21:13

St Lucia and Devon are a little bit different in travel terms.

Your focus on gifts doesn't make you look good.

Original poster
PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:13

TomatoSandwiches · 19/04/2025 21:11

It wasn't a wedding though, it was a reception party.

Show quote history

I still think that’s important… guess I’m not like most!

It’s not just a party!

OP posts:
DappledThings · 19/04/2025 21:13

Counting your gifts, comparing your haul from one set of guests versus another and making a value judgement about your relations based on how much they spent on you is never going to be a good look.

A party doesnt really have a set time people are required by. It might start at 7.30 but nobody really takes that to mean they have to be there at 7.30. Did you tell them you were planning to do photos at the start so needed them there as it started?