Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

Op how are things generally in your life? What do you have planned today? You are a newly wed and it’s a bank holiday weekend and yet here you are bashing away on your thread about a perceived slight at your wedding reception days ago

Your comment wasn't offensive at all - it merely put another PoV in a polite and meaningful way (it's a pity some others on here can't do this).

Thank you @tooksometime I really appreciate this. I need to come away from MN now. I think I was ruminating last night as I had more time on my hands. I’m off for a beach walk with a friend today! Going to get off of MN now ☺️ I hope you have a wonderful Easter x

BIL and SIL eloped and had a wedding party a month later. It would never have occurred to me that family photos would be taken at a party. Did you tell your SIL this beforehand? It’s very unusual.

Op I recall you on your thread about your DH never bothering to buy his mother a Mother’s Day card or even acknowledging it.

Could it be that buying gifts for one another etc isn’t a particularly normal thing for your husband’s side of the family? And there’s nothing wrong with that at all

Beach walk will really do you good

what about with your new husband too?!

It’s not just a party - to you.
It is to everyone else. Your party was your priority, selling their house is theirs. You have lost perspective in this and should be focused on this special time in your life with your husband.
That people have come to celebrate this with you is the gift to you - you’ve got this all wrong.
And actually I felt this way about my own wedding - I didn’t expect gifts.
I remember a friend of mine having a very small private wedding in the UK to keep costs down. then feeling she’d missed out (her words) and throwing a party a month afterwards to celebrate. I was astonished and actually annoyed when she sent a wedding gift list along with the invitation…
ive been to other parties in similar circumstances and she was the only person to send registry details! It’s not classy at all - his sister may be feeling quite put out to have been excluded from your wedding. She may have felt you sent a statement about where she sat in the order of things and that her attendance wasn’t important. Maybe she received that sent message and has reprioritused you and your party
Your wedding, your way, but you need to understand that when we make choices about how we want to host our wedding, that comes with feedback - we cannot have it both ways.
As someone who had a hard start to their married life with all sorts of family wedding drama, I would strongly advise you that this is not a hill to die on. Focus on what you have, the blessing of your marriage and this beautiful part of your life. Be grateful that they graciously came when they clearly have a lot going on and leave it alone.

I am jealous of you living close to a beach!!

Could it be a sign of her disorganisation/lack of funds, rather than a comment on you?

Were you invited to the full wedding in Devon? Ceremony, reception, evening do? If so, then they invested money in their guests' experience and the gifts would reflect that. If you've only invested in a party for your guests, I think that would probably be reflected in the gifts (or lack thereof).
Plus, house sales are big deals, and they did come. Let it go.

Duoh, her sister in law isn't the nit picker, the bridezilla is finding fault. Just like you.
So glad you're not my sister in law. Mine are lovely.

I haven’t RTFT, just your posts, OP, but some observations from someone whose husband’s family does things differently (from 20 years in). Don’t sweat it.

I’ve no idea why you were the only one writing thank you cards, but leave his family to him. You won’t get them to be the way you want them to or to fawn over you as you appear to want. My sister and I hadn’t spoken for 5 years when my DH and I got together. I’d not have welcomed him meddling in something that was nothing to do with him. Similarly, his family don’t send cards for birthdays etc, even to children, and resenting that wouldn’t have made any difference whatsoever.

If you were given any wedding money, Mel Robbins’ book “Let Them” would be a good use of some of it.

You say her and her brother aren’t close? You said they don’t even talk?

So why she even invited?

And if they aren’t even remotely close why would you get all pissed off that she only got you a card?

You need to let this go OP.

This is so insanely trivial that I can’t believe you are focusing on it so much.

I wouldn't have thought this was a wedding reception. A wedding reception is the event after the ceremony, directly after.

You chose not to have a wedding reception because you eloped so you organised a party when you got back.

I don't think people should be expected to bring a present either. Same with a baby shower, anniversary or such. If people want to great for you but they shouldn't be picked at for not doing so.

Well, my friends and close friends care - I can assure you ☺️ My mum, her friends, my friends, my immediate family. They cared. It was a big deal to them.

If my best friend was getting married, it’s totally a big deal to me too 🩷 That’s the kind of person I am.

I am sorry if I’m coming across as selfish, or entitled but I don’t believe that I am. I believe in family and showing people that you love them - because life is too short for pettiness. So on that note, I’m no longer responding to any further messages and I’m going to enjoy Easter. Happy Easter everyone! 🐣

While I can understand your sil being late was not a great look for anyone, it sounds like she had something inportant to do and it could not be re-arranged.

As for gifts I think it depends on culture, if you have been together years and had kids etc and then getting married I can see why no one would bother with gifts. But usually if someone is new to the family and you are welcoming them in, then atleast a token gift is given. My husband and I received Hugo Boss matching watches for him and her from his younger sister and bil. My sister got me diamond and gold jewellery which I wore for one of the wedding functions and she gave us £1500 towards our honeymoon as a joint gift. Though we just wanted our siblings present, the gift was an added extra.

Op your thread about your husband never acknowledging his mother on Mother’s Day…. Maybe this is just how that family roll?!

Wow, very generous!
I agree it depends on culture. Sounds like you have lovely family. People forget that gift giving can be a love language.

I think you can be a bit annoyed by the behaviour but is it worth falling out over?

Forget about it and keep the relationship intact for your husband.

If they have a celebration you don't need to give a gift!

But in your husband’s family, as shown by THIS thread AND your thread about your dh not acknowledging Mother’s Day…. NOT your husband’s family!!

That was all fine until it became de rigeur to charge your guests more and more before they'd even arrived

Travel to increasingly far flung destinations
Accommodation (because that's never included now)
Drinks
Hen/stag if invited.

I never take a gift now, not when the average wedding attendance sets me back c. £400 as it is.

My being there is the gift.

You sound grabby OP.
Clearly SIL isn't in a loving mood towards you.
It is as rude to invite someone and expect a gift.

And so can "quality time" i.e showing up to celebrate with you.

You can't bring up love languages as if they only apply to you and what you want.

They are not close siblings. She wasn’t fussed about not coming to our wedding ceremony. We see them maybe once or twice a year. She doesn’t talk to my husband. They wouldn’t have come anyway.

In that case OP, I suppose you would count yourselves lucky that they turned up at all, albeit late. If she doesn’t talk to her brother then I guess it was a token invitation only and they turned up just as a token gesture in response, but neither host nor guest had their hearts in it.

Sometimes, a new person in the family can smoothe things over and improve sibling relationships which have drifted with a lack of enthusiasm over the years. Maybe you could send a thank you for coming note with a message to say it would be really nice to get together soon if they fancied meeting up half way somewhere. At least you will have tried.