Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

[PalmTreeAngel]

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

You're newly married, you're focusing on the wrong thing!

Your last post, OP, really indicated that for you, physical gifts and cards, are indeed a 'love language' for you. For people who don't feel that way it can come as a surprise. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, they're your feelings but it sounds as if you've married into a family for whom cards/gifts are not that important.

I have a friend who is madly into cards. She likes them for any reason, any event and, as someone who is not like that, I have to make a huge effort to write down the event somewhere so that there's a chance I'll remember to send her a card. I draw the line at 'dog's birthday' but I suppose if you (general) care about someone then you get to know them and their little ways - and you both make efforts to fit together.

Do you have a relationship with your husband's sister? It sounds as if he doesn't have a close one with her himself and that has put your set-up on an immediate distance and disadvantage.

I agree with posters about wedding ceremonies, if they're important enough to celebrate then the people important to you would be there. It may be that there's a new tradition of insular ceremonies with separate, extended parties, becoming the norm but it's not quite there yet.

i would try not to take this to heart and let your relationship with your new in-law family evolve; give a bit, take a bit, understand a lot and see how it goes. Best to you.

Let us know when it happens and I’ll send you a divorce-iversary card

”OMG she didn’t get you a moving card when you moved. The utter bitch”
You are very bold @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
😂😂😂

I think you’ve just identified a gap in the market !!

100%. Organised this last year. It is hard to sell a house yes, but house viewing could have waited or been arranged at another time. If it was a distant family or friend fine. But she is signalling to us that we don’t really matter. You only get married (once) hopefully. Yes, it’s more important to bride and groom (duh) but her behaviour further demonstrates why I was right not to include her in our ceremony invite, because we don’t matter to her and her life. Message received loud and clear.

I wouldn’t treat a friend like this, let alone a blood-relative. My husband agreed, and he said he would not have acted this way. Weddings are important. I want to uphold the importance. If you matter to me, your wedding matters to me :-)

Is this the same husband who doesn’t even acknowledge his mother on Mother’s Day op, which also upsets you

why can’t you grasp that his family dynamic is simply different re gifting!!

Well you already signaled to her that she doesn’t matter to you!

maybe she has deliberately snubbed your party in response to how you’ve made her feel or maybe she just didn’t realise it was a big deal seen as you were already married.

we won’t know but stop trying to guess and just work on having a good relationship going forward.

Unnecessary and very mean. Not really justified imo.

Why do you keep commenting the same thing on this thread?

Have you ever tried to sell a house, particularly if you are in a chain and it's holding together by a prayer.

Honestly, they don't sound self absorbed they sound busy raising a family and trying to move house.

You sound very invested in your wedding, which is lovely, but expecting people to pass up on the opportunity to sell their home (and it's a buyers market, if you don't accommodate the viewers you will miss out, to go to the party celebrating a wedding you weren't even invited is being a diva. They are prioritising securing a more suitable home for the family for many years over a party lasting a few hours. Of course the did the right thing.

I suspect that as you navigate children, house moves etc in the future you will look back and feel a little silly.

Wasn't a wedding though - was it? It was a party.

What? That you can’t grasp that both your husband towards his mother
and his sister towards him

have a different view on gifting to you?!

you still haven’t grasped it op. So…. Yeah,
I’ll mention again

did you get on that beach walk?

I have sold two houses, yes. I still think it’s disrespectful and I’m okay to disagree. They could have arranged it for another time. I think it lacks common courtesy and I wouldn’t do this to family.

understand navigating life and family is stressful, but think these things matter in life. I’m allowed to disagree with others. I just find it interesting how many people would prioritise a house viewing over a party to celebrate a siblings wedding, but hey ho - each to their own. I’m not really going to make much effort with that relationship personally. I’ll be civil and courteous, but I shant bend over backwards.

And truthfully even a wedding is only very important to those getting married. To everyone else it's just a nice day and they carry on with their lives.

And I doubt they’ll care either way op

perhaps won’t even notice

So why is everyone having a go at me for not inviting her to our wedding ceremony then? Lol. Such double standards…

That’s a really nice and useful response. You sound like such a joy.

I agree I was really shocked someone would dream of using that as an excuse to be late to a pre arranged wedding celebration. I am also surprised by the number of people supporting the SIL.

Me too. I honestly think on reflection people are projecting their own bitterness and angst towards me now at this stage. I’m not actually taking these opinions seriously anymore, just an excuse to bash me. Very small amount of reasonable or measured responses.

I think you are really overestimating how important your wedding is to other people.

I think a lot of people fall into the trap of assuming other people care as much, especially if you have an overexcited mum etc.

It was not the viewing as an event that they have prioritised, but the chance to secure a more suitable home for their children to live in day after day, year after year.

I imagined you as someone who is early 20s without much experience of life and felt like perhaps people needed to remember being young and unaware of life's challenges. If you are older that makes it worse...the world does not revolve around you!

And as for the moaning about not getting a present, you didn't even invite them to the actual wedding for goodness sake.

No wonder they give you and your hubby a wide berth! You sound more self obsessed with each post.

Because you can't have it both ways! Either you feel it is important and you try and include them or you accept it's about you and your hubby and stop whining that everyone else isn't enthralled at the prospect of a party to celebrate a wedding they were not invited to.

What do you think people are bitter about?

The op has just pm-ed to say I’m bullying her

when all I’m saying is…. The OP’s husband’s side of the family (including her own husband!!) have a different approach to gifting and she should respect that

Again, I think you’ve got it all wrong.
I think what I am learning is I have a totally different set of values and social etiquette to others - which is absolutely fine! But there is no need to be nasty or personal towards me.
I personally wouldn’t turn up super late or empty handed to any celebration. This isn’t any old party either, it’s to celebrate someone getting married. I’m sorry they were not invited to our ceremony, but as I’ve said, they wouldn’t have come to it anyway and I had my own very personal reasons for keeping it private. I’m shocked that on one hand people on this thread are snubbing me for not inviting her but also saying it’s not that important anyway - which one is it?