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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s sister treatment at our wedding reception

671 replies

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 20:54

We had our wedding reception party a week ago, and my husband’s sister not only arrived late… but she only got us a card and no gift. Meanwhile, I’ve received very nice gifts from new colleagues I’ve met from work and my mum’s friends.

The reason she arrived late (along with her husband and two young daughters) is because they had a last minute viewing on their house.

AIBU to feel hurt and insulted by this?

I have tried talking to my husband about this, but he just shrugs it off. He feels similar to me, but won’t do anything about it or say anything to her. I think he ought to say something, but that’s me. They’re a very avoidant family, but I like to raise how I feel with others (with the hopes that we work through it of course).

OP posts:
RhododendronFlowers · 19/04/2025 21:29

Ok, I think it's best just to try to move on. You got married, you had a party, most people were great... isn't that what counts?.
They got a last minute viewing, it happens. They were late to your party, which isn't great, but surely the rest of the evening was fun?
Your wedding is special to you and your husband. That's the main thing.

ThatCyanCat · 19/04/2025 21:29

I know you say she isn't aggrieved at not coming to your wedding, but it does sound as if she's aggrieved about something. You say she'd never have made the journey but it's quite likely she couldn't if it was so far away. Do you think she'd not have come if you'd married within the UK and invited her?

Unless there were very specific circumstances, I'd be incredibly hurt if one of my siblings eloped and didn't want me at the wedding.

Brefugee · 19/04/2025 21:29

PalmTreeAngel · 19/04/2025 21:20

Make up party? Are you for real?
So I’ve done it a bit differently - it doesn’t mean it’s a make up party. A lot of people on here are acting as if a wedding is for the guests. And you’re being passive aggressive not getting a gift just because you didn’t come to the ceremony?
it isn’t just a party, I spent quite a lot - wedding prices - on what was a wedding celebration party - a reception party. Many of my friends and family were delighted to be there, celebrating with us. I was just a bit taken aback by her behaviour and it’s left a poor taste in my mouth.
My husband is quite angry and upset by it. I feel awkward as I’m not really sure what to do about it. I’ll likely drop it, but just wanted to know what other people thought.

some people are being quite nasty however as these things can be quite hurtful.

Show quote history

when you are in a hole - it is best to know when to stop digging.

I am not the only one to say this. Tbh in her shoes i'd be keeping you at arm's length.

I hope she has luck selling the house, the market is an absolute 'mare at the moment.

Stop being grabby. Draw a line under it and move on.

Edenmum2 · 19/04/2025 21:30

It doesn’t really matter does it?

Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 21:30

Selling her house is undoubtedly more important to her than getting to your party on time. It's not a wedding reception if it doesn't take place right after the wedding, it's a party.

I'm sure lots of the 80% of people who brought you gifts did so because they knew you expected them to, by stressing that it was a wedding reception they were invited to. And as at least 50% of them knew you, they probably thought it best to avoid you being pissed off with them if you didn't get a present.

If you make a big deal out of this you could be jeopardising your relationship with your husbands family, do you want to do this already, one month in?

EnhancedVampireEyeballs · 19/04/2025 21:31

Arlanymor · 19/04/2025 21:17

A golden goose.

Show quote history

I want a ball. I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and give it to me
now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now

DappledThings · 19/04/2025 21:31

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 21:29

Really?

Every single wedding or reception that I've attended has had the family photographs after the wedding service or at the beginning of the reception. Later photographs (if taken) have been candid photographs of the guests while the meal and/or dancing is taking place.

Maybe it's different in some parts of the world. I've only attended weddings in Scotland, England, Ireland and Serbia.

Show quote history

Sure. But this was a party. A party days after the wedding. So the timing of photos at an actual wedding is irrelevant.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/04/2025 21:31

Did you have a reception after your ceremony? Did you have photos taken then?

perfectstorm · 19/04/2025 21:31

If you don't invite people to your wedding, you can't really expect them to buy you a wedding present, though? Kind and generous if they do, but it's not the norm. I mean, it's a party to celebrate the fact you got married elsewhere, with people who weren't invited.

I don't think she did anything wrong, no. If it were the actual wedding then yes, weak. But it wasn't.

ClaredeBear · 19/04/2025 21:31

I’d just learn that she might not be the most reliable person and move on and I certainly wouldn’t need to speak to her or bring it up again. I’m not great with weddings as I tend to see them being the business of the couple and I don’t get the fuss. For that reason, I also went away to get married and had a party at home and i expect lots people arrived late, I can’t remember. We had gifts from absolutely no one, not even family, as I made it very clear any gifts would be donated to charity. So I guess I come at it from a different perspective. I am interested in understanding what you hope to gain from raising the issue with her though because I don’t think it will be much.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 19/04/2025 21:31

Branleuse · 19/04/2025 21:09

You didnt invite her to your wedding though. You just had a party so you could get presents. I think you are being a bit grabby.

Absolutely this!

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 21:31

Createausername1970 · 19/04/2025 21:29

Yes, this.

if you actually "eloped" i.e. just announced it after the event and no-one knew before hand, then why expect presents? No-one got to celebrate your wedding, this is just a party.

And it is unfortunate that a last minute viewing occurred, but if you are trying to sell a house you don't turn a prospective buyer away! If it was your actual wedding, then that would be different, but it wasn't.

Show quote history

The true meaning of elopement suggests going off to get married without telling people, as you say. More and more though, I'm seeing young couples using the word to mean to go off and have a quiet wedding ceremony with only a few witnesses.

I assumed - possibly incorrectly - that the OP was using the word to suggest that they'd just had a small service, separate from the larger wedding reception.

ClearHoldBuild · 19/04/2025 21:32

So much for we want your presence not your presents.
Do you actually need anything?
I thought people eloped because they didn’t want all the fuss.

GeorgianaM · 19/04/2025 21:32

A present isn't compulsory.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/04/2025 21:33

Some people are flaky and often late. She is not going to change so why say anything.
Gift giving is optional.
Let it go. Enjoy your new husband.

TasWair · 19/04/2025 21:33

Not the point of the thread, but I'm giggling at their wedding being "all the way in Devon" when none of us have a clue where you live!

Orangemintcream · 19/04/2025 21:33

It absolutely is just a party. It isn’t occurring just after the wedding ceremony as you wanted a family only wedding.

People aren’t going to treat it like a wedding.
YABU.

Pipsquiggle · 19/04/2025 21:34

@PalmTreeAngel

Did you actually say, there's going to be family photos so please could you be here at x time'

Did they tell you in advance that they would be late because of the house viewing?

As you can tell by PP, although this reception party is important to you, as you can tell it's not important to others. Some will see this as just a party and the timings are therefore more flexible.

Just wondered if your DH had conveyed the importance of this party to his side of the family, in the same way you did to your friends and family?

Stuffnfluff · 19/04/2025 21:35

Congratulations.... the happiest day of your life....

ClearHoldBuild · 19/04/2025 21:35

also, why is she getting all the flack, it could be because of her husband that they were late and didn’t bring a gift.

FatCatSkinnyRat · 19/04/2025 21:35

I would still gift if I was attending an evening party. also this isn’t any old guest, this is my husband’s sister. My husband agrees with me.

I was surprised that of the people that didn’t gift, it was my husband’s sister.

YABU for the use of "gift" as a verb in the two examples above! Whilst technically grammatically correct it really sounds so transactional. I think that's the vibe people are getting from you from this thread. You did not want people to come and celebrate your wedding with you with good wishes and love. The transaction in your eyes was - you provide an expensive wedding style event and they present you with the longed for gift.

It gives me the ick.

outerspacepotato · 19/04/2025 21:35

You eloped.

Gifts are brought by wedding guests, you know, people who are at the ceremony.

This was a party. You SIL was unavoidably late. BFD.

You're being grabby and unreasonable.

Gruttenberg · 19/04/2025 21:35

I got married in New York without telling anyone, so I guess we eloped. We came home and had a party for all the guests (including our kids) who had no idea we were going to do what we did. We didn't get gifts - we certainly didn't expect them, and we paid for a lovely meal for everyone. There's something really grubby about counting heads and gifts. You're tacky, whether you recognise it or not. I think they did the right thing - getting their house sold is far more important that your little fake wedding party.

pimplebum · 19/04/2025 21:36

When I said “what are you hoping to achieve ?” I ment hoping to achieve from having a go at your sister ? How would you even phrase it “ I want a really nice gift and for you to grovel for being late “ You don’t know what she is going through, you’d feel shite if you find out they are health , financial relationships troubles and they didn’t want to tell you because of your wedding / you are not approachable

Createausername1970 · 19/04/2025 21:36

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 21:26

It's quite usual for people nowadays to have the ceremony abroad and then a reception back home. I have family members who have done that.

I'd be embarrassed to attend a wedding reception and not to give a present.

Show quote history

It is quite common nowadays, and absolutely nothing wrong with that. But OP implies they eloped i.e just came back from holiday and said "Ta dah! We are married". Which is a bit different from planning a small wedding abroad that everyone knows about.

Usually when people elope it's because they don't want fuss. To then have a party to have a fuss, and expect to do formal photos and presents does seem a bit odd.